In a weird place.

[Defenestrator]

I've been a fairly long time lurker on this site and, upon waking up this morning, feel it's time I finally made an account and posted here. It's very difficult to find somewhere where you can openly talk about this sort of thing, without people spewing platitudes about how "everything will get better" all of the time.

A part of me doesn't want to die and I feel I must preface this with that point, and I'm sure that part is in all of us. I've seen many of you refer to itas SI (survival instinct) and I can tell you it's a very powerful thing even when there isn't a lot of it.

I'm going to skip passed the long-winded life story and get straight to this last Saturday night/Sunday morning:

I had been thinking of acting on my suicidal thoughts for quite a while (on and off - very transient) but this last weekend (Fri-Sun) I found myself actually putting the thoughts into an actual plan; I was going to take some propranolol I had been prescribed ages ago with a decent amount of alcohol and I was going to go to a bridge I had picked and jump off. Over three nights I kept going back to this bridge - the first night I couldn't get over the barrier, the second night I could but I just sort of perched there for a while and eventually chickened out. On the final night I got the closest but, again, couldn't finish it and I got removed by the police and taken to hospital.

Up until this point I had no history of mental illness (at least not on record) and this incident has lead to me being referred to the local crisis team(?) I'm not sure about the ins and outs, my GP prescribed me a small amount of diazepam (14 tablets I guess 'cause of suicide risk?) and I got a call from a mental health person who I had apparently been referred to by the emergency department who asked a lot of questions and said that they'd be in contact with me about an assessment, and that shouldn't take long as my case is considered urgent.

I honestly don't know what to do, and I don't know what most of this means. I am terrified of taking antidepressants as I've seen what they do to people, I feel like I am wasting people's time and that I should be able to deal with this on my own. From what I've read on here it's unlikely I'll get any meaningful help anyway and people like us should just get on with it.

I won't be trying jumping again unless I am absolutely certain I can do it immediately on impulse.
Future plans with involve sedatives and partial hanging, or SN - I've found a buyer for 500g of the stuff, my main issue is not having any antiemetics. I can get prochloroperazine without a prescription though (is that okay?)

Sorry for the waffling, I don't know who else to talk to as the samaritans are a bit too optimistic for me right now.

 

[Soulless_Angel]

Hey, welcome to the site, I am going to assume from what you say that you are from the UK, the UK mental health services are shit if that is the case! If you don't want the services in your life, tell them you are fine and no risk to yourself and they will soon buzz off! (speaking from personal experience here)
No medication is enough to over dose with now, no matter the amount, they may have given you a small amount to see how you get on

The anti D's are a choice only you can make, if you search the name in the search bar there are bound to people posting about them here with experiences etc,

We should not have too just get on with it, but society is a bitch when it comes to people who find themselves with suicidal ideation, active or passive, but that is what brings us all together here and what makes this a very supportive and helpful forum, I am sorry you have come to this path though and find yourself here, but you are reaching out for support and advice that is a massive step.

 

[MsMaudlin]

Hey,
Welcome to the site, I'm in the UK too.
The mental health services are so shit here everyone I know is on or has been in the past on antidepressants. They hand them out like jelly tots!
See what the GP offers, they could help you. Make sure you do lots of research.
Every day pretty much in the city I live in, they have to close the roads as there is a suicidal person on the bridge. Speaks volumes about the access to mental health services.
Don't be afraid to ask lots of questions here. I have learned so much in a few weeks.
Love and peace ❤

 

[TheDevilsAngel]

Welcome to the forum sending you lots of and .

 

[Defenestrator]

Thanks for the welcome guys.
I recieved a letter first thing this morning telling me my assessment will be this coming Monday; I'm impressed how quick things are going considering the state of the NHS at the moment. Does anyone know what happens during these assessments? I have pretty bad anxiety recently, to the point that I've been prescribed omeprazole for gastritis (supposedly being stressed over a long period of time can cause you to over-produce stomach acid), and I'd rather be prepared than totally freak out and make things worse.