In a spiritual battle with the Devil.

[DysmorphTic]

Hello all, new member here. I'm 30 years old and I come with a hell of a story.

3 years ago I was homeless on and off, couch surfing from place to place, and in and out of mental hospitals. I browsed this site then and had tried to ctb more than a few times in my past. One day I was staying with my uncle and we had an argument, and I stole his shotgun, and sawed off the barrel and put it in my backpack and went in the woods behind a store.

I had the gun in my mouth but was too afraid to pull the trigger. It was winter so I turned myself in to the police station, because I decided I was too chicken shit to kill myself and I didn't want to be homeless anymore. I went to prison for having an illegal sawed off shotgun and I got out recently after 3 years.

I went through hell in jail. I tried to kill myself in jail and they put me in solitary confinement for a year and I lost my fucking mind - it was torture.

Anyways, I am not doing much better. I am a Buddhist and I am a very spiritual person. I believe Buddha when he said Life is suffering and it must be escaped. I believe death leads to Nirvana, but there is a force trying to stop my "enlightenment"(death). The Buddha went through challenges from the devil to prevent his enlightenment, and I know I am experiencing the same thing.

I believe I am unable to physically kill myself because I've tried and failed so many times. I believe I must commit suicide in a spiritual way through meditation or some other similar way I haven't devised yet. Buddha taught reality is an illusion and a trap, and it's not what it seems - my solitary intention is to escape this trap, but I am enshrouded in illusion and spiritual deception by the devil himself.

I did deep meditation in jail and learned profound spiritual truths. I learned I am not myself. I watch myself do things with my body and mind, but it's not me, it's somebody else and I just watch him do things but I don't have any control, all control is an illusion and I just watch.

The devil is in my mind and I am being tortured and mentally raped by him. When you talk about molestation, you think of kids, but I am an adult, but I feel like the devil molests me as if I were a little kid. It's fucked up the level of torture I go through - I am literally literally literally in Hell. I am in hell for real, the real hell, I mean like really really really.

In my meditations I had memories of past lives that felt like eternity. I am 30 years old but I feel as though I've been alive a million billion trillion years. I don't know what I am, if I am Jesus or Buddha, or some sort of high ranking sage-like being, but I know really deep shit. I know shit humans aren't supposed to know, I have God-like knowledge and I don't want to know these things. I have powers of knowing other beings minds, and I can see the future and I have perpetual deja-vu. I think I'm trapped in some sort of closed-loop time paradox, perhaps a computer hell/torture simulation.

The nature of my suffering is spiritual and not mental. I know some will assume insanity, but I am more spiritually evolved than most humans - I am at the level of a monk. It sounds like grandeur but really it is me being honest. I'm in a wrestling match with the forces of Evil, and I realize it is myself and I am the Satan of my own Hell, and I rape myself and I can't stop it because I hide from myself. I wrestle myself like King King vs Godzilla - I realize that in life, war is all their is.

I know this got really deep and kind of weird, but thanks for reading, I needed to vent my soul.

 

[Vizzy]

Hello all, new member here. I'm 30 years old and I come with a hell of a story.

3 years ago I was homeless on and off, couch surfing from place to place, and in and out of mental hospitals. I browsed this site then and had tried to ctb more than a few times in my past. One day I was staying with my uncle and we had an argument, and I stole his shotgun, and sawed off the barrel and put it in my backpack and went in the woods behind a store.

I had the gun in my mouth but was too afraid to pull the trigger. It was winter so I turned myself in to the police station, because I decided I was too chicken shit to kill myself and I didn't want to be homeless anymore. I went to prison for having an illegal sawed off shotgun and I got out recently after 3 years.

I went through hell in jail. I tried to kill myself in jail and they put me in solitary confinement for a year and I lost my fucking mind - it was torture.

Anyways, I am not doing much better. I am a Buddhist and I am a very spiritual person. I believe Buddha when he said Life is suffering and it must be escaped. I believe death leads to Nirvana, but there is a force trying to stop my "enlightenment"(death). The Buddha went through challenges from the devil to prevent his enlightenment, and I know I am experiencing the same thing.

I believe I am unable to physically kill myself because I've tried and failed so many times. I believe I must commit suicide in a spiritual way through meditation or some other similar way I haven't devised yet. Buddha taught reality is an illusion and a trap, and it's not what it seems - my solitary intention is to escape this trap, but I am enshrouded in illusion and spiritual deception by the devil himself.

I did deep meditation in jail and learned profound spiritual truths. I learned I am not myself. I watch myself do things with my body and mind, but it's not me, it's somebody else and I just watch him do things but I don't have any control, all control is an illusion and I just watch.

The devil is in my mind and I am being tortured and mentally raped by him. When you talk about molestation, you think of kids, but I am an adult, but I feel like the devil molests me as if I were a little kid. It's fucked up the level of torture I go through - I am literally literally literally in Hell. I am in hell for real, the real hell, I mean like really really really.

In my meditations I had memories of past lives that felt like eternity. I am 30 years old but I feel as though I've been alive a million billion trillion years. I don't know what I am, if I am Jesus or Buddha, or some sort of high ranking sage-like being, but I know really deep shit. I know shit humans aren't supposed to know, I have God-like knowledge and I don't want to know these things. I have powers of knowing other beings minds, and I can see the future and I have perpetual deja-vu. I think I'm trapped in some sort of closed-loop time paradox, perhaps a computer hell/torture simulation.

The nature of my suffering is spiritual and not mental. I know some will assume insanity, but I am more spiritually evolved than most humans - I am at the level of a monk. It sounds like grandeur but really it is me being honest. I'm in a wrestling match with the forces of Evil, and I realize it is myself and I am the Satan of my own Hell, and I rape myself and I can't stop it because I hide from myself. I wrestle myself like King King vs Godzilla - I realize that in life, war is all their is.

I know this got really deep and kind of weird, but thanks for reading, I needed to vent my soul.

Don't worry hope you get better and find peace

 

[Praestat_Mori]

Wishing you all the best and welcome to the forum!

 

[MeltingBrain]

I truly believe you feel this way but no evidence has ever been found for the devil or rebirths . Are you sure these thoughts are not just a creation of your brain ?

 

[piercedheart]

Wish you the best and hope you'll find what you're looking for. It's quite an interesting take. I wish I had your believe in what comes after, it seems soothing.

 

[Little_Suzy]

Welcome! I'm looking forward to reading more of your posts, especially those that discuss your previous lives. It's all quite fascinating!

 

[Goodgirlryeo101]

I hope you find peace you are looking for I know a few people that have been homeless before so you don't need to feel alone

1) thieving addict ( he even has article online of him stealing fuel at different petrol stations)
2) The second one was sleeping in some strangers basement ( his mum told me as I had no idea)

I have been homeless myself before once but it was my choice. The thieving addict was kicked out by " family". So I'm sure you can relate to all these stories…. The second one had to find "mupengo" and he succeeded and was even inviting other girls whilst his "mupengo " was at work.

I wish you all the best in your successful completion of ctb and know you are not alone as I have mentioned two people that have been homeless as well and even myself….

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds so horrific what you've been through, it's truly so hellish how such torture exists but anyway I wish you the best.

 

[DysmorphTic]

Welcome! I'm looking forward to reading more of your posts, especially those that discuss your previous lives. It's all quite fascinating!

Thank you. I can tell you about my past lives. I remember a variety of existences, some in heaven, some in hell, some in bizarre realms, and some as normal humans. I could talk all day about my past lives, but I'll tell you about one of my more novel memories. I remember in a past life being a computer. I was like artificial intelligence, and I lived in a digital landscape on a computer. There things were peaceful and I was not alone. I was there in ancient times, it's hard to explain. It's like this memory of my former existence happened in the ancient scrap yard of the echoes of time, existing a million billion trillion years ago. I don't know how I left that existence, and sometimes I can go back for just an instant, in a memory so potent that it feels like I'm back there again.

 

[The anhedonic one]

I spent years practicing Samatha meditation. I would go into deep states of Jhana, and often stay there for hours at a time.
Then one day I triggered my kundalini awakening and experienced the siddhis, the supernatural powers of adept meditation.
I have never meditated since because it was all too much for me . It actually fucking me up big time in more ways than one.

 

[ChangeWaiter]

Bruh, thank you for sharing!

And I believe you every word, except that I also believe that sometimes (maybe most of the time) our language hasn't evolved enough to be able to describe all these things. I'm with you, cause I've been experiencing things on this realm for a about a year now.

My first contact with this realm was when I was 17 years ago, and it was all too much for me, I was glad to be diagnosed with psychosis and years later "normal" life start to make sense again .

Then, about a year ago, it started coming back, clear contacts with another world. So clear and so vivid, 3D playing along so well, that it is now just part of my reality. I've met several folks along the way, who are clearly Saints. What does Saint even mean? Well, when I say it, I mean it's just someone in touch with the spiritual realm. Some of them are able to handle it better than the others, still functioning well in the real world. Others are as confused as me.

I'm only discovering all this in this period of time, since it had only been a year, but I'm clearly not existing in the plain 3D, it is only an interface for me to watch myself do things, while my actual tasks and battles are on the energy level (my best take on describing it). Control over my body? Feels limited and I doubt if there is any at all. I think it's much more likely that for some, if not all, of us, this life is just a long-ass tutorial, where we are meant to believe we're in control, cause it's easier to understand this way (just like a teacher taking students hand to help with a drawing)

One thing is clear for me - existence is much bigger, then what we experience in 3D. It would be nice if we had handbooks, that explain it all, but unfortunately it's all still limited and maybe we should start gathering more information like this to understand the existence better and slowly stop invalidating anyone who feels different about this world, embrace the full complexity of it.

For all those who feel like there is no way life should be like this and your suffering is unjustified - all very true. We're trapped in a sort of a zoo, where true mechanics of the world may even be known by some, but are either kept a secret, or hard to get the hands on, because of how powerful the single story movement is.

 

[ftm68_99]

Don't worry hope you get better and find peace

Hi. Wanted to say thanks for including the Nitrogen method web page. While that method sounds like the least painful method after Nembutal, it just seems to have so many parts I'm not sure I could manage it. But thanks anyway. Hope it helps some other people!

 

[DEATH IS FREEDOM]

To me it seems that the devil has created this world. There is so much pointless suffering.