Venting Impulsively tried to drown myself

[lwlaiet8887]

Just venting. I impulsively tried to drown myself today although I failed (go figure) Been dealing with severe emotions , keep on having these dreams that remind me of my childhood and walking up with a cold sweat/anxiety. Feels like I'm in a death throttle. I woke up and decided that I couldn't take it anymore and took myself to a local pond. I waded in the water but couldn't seem to find the deep end, it was surprisingly shallow. I don't think my SI would've let me do it anyway. I had to track through sone thick shurb to get there it was exhausting. Afterwards I spent time flipping over logs as I did in my childhood looking for insects, was quite fun. Saw many people on the way there going about there lives wishing I could fit in as well as them. I have a bit of catharsis at the moment although I know the feelings are going to return very soon. Wish I could have an easy release or a life worth living, although that's next to impossible. I'm planning my CBT at the end month it's just difficult since there's still somethings I enjoy doing in life and I can't let go of hope but myself hatred is too much. It's very conflicting being like this.

 

[gorgongrl]

I'm sorry you're feeling these intense emotions, it's difficult not to want to act impulsively when you just want it to be over. Glad you found some catharsis from it at least, did you find any cool insects? Being in nature takes me back to my childhood too, things were so much simpler then. Hope you can find some peace ♡

 

[lwlaiet8887]

I'm sorry you're feeling these intense emotions, it's difficult not to want to act impulsively when you just want it to be over. Glad you found some catharsis from it at least, did you find any cool insects? Being in nature takes me back to my childhood too, things were so much simpler then. Hope you can find some peace ♡

Found some large beetles, giant caterpillars, and dragon flies. Didn't find anything too exciting although I guess it was worth the effort.

 

[FuneralCry]

That method sounds unbearable to try and succeed with because of the SI, it's certainly like the surival instinct just exists to prolong suffering, I find it so dreadful how it isn't more straightforward to finally be free from this existence. But anyway I wish you the best, it must be tiring what you are going through.