Venting "Impulsive" attempt (tw ed)

[slightoverlooked]

I think I want to ctb next week. I looked into the mirror yesterday and noticed I gained weight. My sister is getting married soon and looking this fat is horrifying. Id rather die a million deaths then show up like this.
Im so tired and maybe its ok that I wont wait till 25. Maybe dying at 22 (almost 23) is ok. I was so skinny last year sitting at bmi 16.9 and now I dont even weigh myself because if i saw that im bmi 18-19 I would genuinely chug SN on spot.

I dont have any meto but I have two pills of ondansetron..could that help? Also when should I take it?

Im going to a convention for four days and i was rlly excited but now i feel so uncomfortable in my body. I genuinely want to die right now but i promised my artist friend i will help her out at her booth.

This decision feels impulsive but I am genuinely going insane from this rn. I cant talk to anyone irl bc no one would take me seriously anyway but the only logical thing feels like is suicide.

 

[LinxLunar]

If you do attempt, I hope you will find peace
I don't know if ondan can work sry :(
Maybe you can try to lose the weight? But it's easier said than done ofc... I wish I could lose weight just by thinking about it but you may be stronger than me and be able to do it idk

Hope you the best at the convention
Lot of love

 

[2messdup]

I think I want to ctb next week. I looked into the mirror yesterday and noticed I gained weight. My sister is getting married soon and looking this fat is horrifying. Id rather die a million deaths then show up like this.
Im so tired and maybe its ok that I wont wait till 25. Maybe dying at 22 (almost 23) is ok. I was so skinny last year sitting at bmi 16.9 and now I dont even weigh myself because if i saw that im bmi 18-19 I would genuinely chug SN on spot.

I dont have any meto but I have two pills of ondansetron..could that help? Also when should I take it?

Im going to a convention for four days and i was rlly excited but now i feel so uncomfortable in my body. I genuinely want to die right now but i promised my artist friend i will help her out at her booth.

This decision feels impulsive but I am genuinely going insane from this rn. I cant talk to anyone irl bc no one would take me seriously anyway but the only logical thing feels like is suicide.

If you'd chug sn if you had a BMI of 19 (which is the low end of normal) I'd definitely consider that impulsive. I'm pro-choice not pro-life but it would be sad imo if you ctb just on that basis. Can you ask the opinion of a doctor perhaps? Please don't take this the wrong way though. Just trying to help in my usual blunt rubbish way. But I think you should consider the possibility that you may need psychiatric help.

If you do attempt, I hope you will find peace
I don't know if ondan can work sry :(
Maybe you can try to lose the weight? But it's easier said than done ofc... I wish I could lose weight just by thinking about it but you may be stronger than me and be able to do it idk

Hope you the best at the convention
Lot of love

The OP is not overweight and has stated in the title of the post they have an eating disorder.

 

[slightoverlooked]

If you'd chug sn if you had a BMI of 19 (which is the low end of normal) I'd definitely consider that impulsive. I'm pro-choice not pro-life but it would be sad imo if you ctb just on that basis. Can you ask the opinion of a doctor perhaps? Please don't take this the wrong way though. Just trying to help in my usual blunt rubbish way. But I think you should consider the possibility that you may have a mental health disorder which needs psychiatric help.

I have an ed so everything above bmi 17 feels like im too fat. i think i look fat too and i think everyone around me agrees. in my head everyone around me probably sees that i gained weight. and even if it doesnt make sense…going to a convention this fat makes me want to die so badly.

i never expected otherwise..i knew my suicide is gonna be impulsive. tbh im thinking about doing it right now. idk whats holding me back. i feel like i can feel the fat in my body.

i just woke up so technically i havent eaten in a longer time. i could just drink SN and die in my room…idk.
my mom will be home in one hour. can SN kill me that fast if i take it in 30 minutes?

 

[Rymrgand]

I'm prochoice, so I understand this may be annoying to you, since it's kinda recoverish, but:

You say that you can't talk to anyone because nobody would take it seriously. Is that the only reason? Do you get along with your sister or with your artist friend? If so, I think you should tell one of them (or someone else you didn't mention in your posts). If you tell them that you have an ED and you are considering suicide because of that, they should take it seriously if they are decent people.

I have also had problems with going to conventions, but even if I really didn't want to at first, after going I had fun. Maybe you can have fun with your friend? And maybe you can tell her a few days later, once you both have enjoyed it together. Or if you feel incapable of going, maybe you can tell to your friend that you feel like this so you can't go.

Amazing PFP btw, I loved Needy Girl Overdose

 

[slightoverlooked]

I'm prochoice, so I understand this may be annoying to you, since it's kinda recoverish, but:

You say that you can't talk to anyone because nobody would take it seriously. Is that the only reason? Do you get along with your sister or with your artist friend? If so, I think you should tell one of them (or someone else you didn't mention in your posts). If you tell them that you have an ED and you are considering suicide because of that, they should take it seriously if they are decent people.

I have also had problems with going to conventions, but even if I really didn't want to at first, after going I had fun. Maybe you can have fun with your friend? And maybe you can tell her a few days later, once you both have enjoyed it together. Or if you feel incapable of going, maybe you can tell to your friend that you feel like this so you can't go.

Amazing PFP btw, I loved Needy Girl Overdose

i just texted one of my friends about how i feel. i just dont wanna burden anyone. and tbh i also have an exam tmrw but i just feel horrible inside my body rn i feel like i need to die. like i cant breathe another second looking this fat and disgusting.
Im scared about people at the convention thinking im fat. and i also havent seen those friends in a longer time and if they see how fat i am they might notice it. which are probably irrational thoughts but idk. I wanted to cosplay a character but now i just look fat and ugly so i have to cosplay someone else.

i dont know why im doing this anymore. i love my hobbies, my cats and friend/family but im so tired. i wanted to kms when im 25 and still single but why should I wait another 2 years. my mom is gonna be home in 30 minutes. if i want to do it i should do it in the next 5 minutes but im still laying in bed.

im sorry you guys r watching me have a mental breakdown live

 

[2messdup]

I have an ed so everything above bmi 17 feels like im too fat. i think i look fat too and i think everyone around me agrees. in my head everyone around me probably sees that i gained weight. and even if it doesnt make sense…going to a convention this fat makes me want to die so badly.

i never expected otherwise..i knew my suicide is gonna be impulsive. tbh im thinking about doing it right now. idk whats holding me back. i feel like i can feel the fat in my body.

i just woke up so technically i havent eaten in a longer time. i could just drink SN and die in my room…idk.
my mom will be home in one hour. can SN kill me that fast if i take it in 30 minutes?

No. High risk of being found and no time to take anti-emetics. Does everyone around you agree or are you mind-reading? I wish I could do something to help

i just texted one of my friends about how i feel. i just dont wanna burden anyone. and tbh i also have an exam tmrw but i just feel horrible inside my body rn i feel like i need to die. like i cant breathe another second looking this fat and disgusting.
Im scared about people at the convention thinking im fat. and i also havent seen those friends in a longer time and if they see how fat i am they might notice it. which are probably irrational thoughts but idk. I wanted to cosplay a character but now i just look fat and ugly so i have to cosplay someone else.

i dont know why im doing this anymore. i love my hobbies, my cats and friend/family but im so tired. i wanted to kms when im 25 and still single but why should I wait another 2 years. my mom is gonna be home in 30 minutes. if i want to do it i should do it in the next 5 minutes but im still laying in bed.

im sorry you guys r watching me have a mental breakdown live

Are you in the UK? Can you phone a crisis team to talk with or 111? Don't worry about posting anything. I've posted all sorts on here including an unhinged vent at SaSu before now. We understand how it is when you're in that place in your head.

 

[Rymrgand]

i just texted one of my friends about how i feel. i just dont wanna burden anyone. and tbh i also have an exam tmrw but i just feel horrible inside my body rn i feel like i need to die. like i cant breathe another second looking this fat and disgusting.
Im scared about people at the convention thinking im fat. and i also havent seen those friends in a longer time and if they see how fat i am they might notice it. which are probably irrational thoughts but idk. I wanted to cosplay a character but now i just look fat and ugly so i have to cosplay someone else.

i dont know why im doing this anymore. i love my hobbies, my cats and friend/family but im so tired. i wanted to kms when im 25 and still single but why should I wait another 2 years. my mom is gonna be home in 30 minutes. if i want to do it i should do it in the next 5 minutes but im still laying in bed.

im sorry you guys r watching me have a mental breakdown live

No need to apologize for having a crisis. This is why SaSu exists. We all have crisis sometimes, I sometimes go on rants about why I'm the worst trash, but that's why I'm here, to vent and to receive the support of this community.

I know that you have an ED and you will probably not going to believe me, but you are objectively not fat. Your feelings are understable, but they are only that, feelings caused by a mental illness, they are irrational.

I'm glad you texted someone. You are not a burden, if I had a friend who was suffering, I wouldn't consider them a burden. I mean, I don't know you, I'm trying to help you, and I don't consider you a burden. I'm doing it because I want. And in any case, it would be worse for them if you CTB. If you talk about this with someone, it could be even a chance to get closer. Maybe one of your friend will feel safe with you and they will tell you one their own problems, and you can support each other.

You sound lovely. It's obvious that you care about your friends, family and pets. You are not fat, as I said (and you kinda admitted when you told us that you have a low BMI), and I'm sure you are really attractive. You are a fellow cosplayer, that's awesome. And you have good taste with videogames.

Feel free to vent whenever you want, and my DMs are open to you, if you want more privacy. And please, don't CTB impulsively. Without a proper plan, you will probably fail and harm yourself.

 

[slightoverlooked]

No. High risk of being found and no time to take anti-emetics. Does everyone around you agree or are you mind-reading? I wish I could do something to help

my mom came home early :( ig it wouldn't have been smart anyway

I'm glad you texted someone

my text got ignored. why am i even trying

I know that you have an ED and you will probably not going to believe me, but you are objectively not fat. Your feelings are understable, but they are only that, feelings caused by a mental illness, they are irrational.

its so hard to believe this tbh. i see people on social media calling girls with my body fat or average. it sucks bc i know how it feels to be underweight and not being that anymore makes me feel like everything above a certain weight is obesity (for myself). im gonna go on a 600-1000 calorie diet now and try to lose 2-3 kg till my sisters wedding. its unfortunate i will be fat on the con but i might try and just fast there unless my artist friend decides to buy me food since im working for her.

You sound lovely. It's obvious that you care about your friends, family and pets. You are not fat, as I said (and you kinda admitted when you told us that you have a low BMI), and I'm sure you are really attractive. You are a fellow cosplayer, that's awesome. And you have good taste with videogames.

Feel free to vent whenever you want, and my DMs are open to you, if you want more privacy. And please, don't CTB impulsively. Without a proper plan, you will probably fail and harm yourself.

Thank you it means a lot :(( im always hesitant venting in DMs bc we r all here bc we feel bad i dont wanna annoy anyone with even more negativity :((

Tbh idk if im considered pretty. I hear it here and there and i get hit on occasionally. Some ppl give me compliments but i still dont feel like its enough. I need to be as skinny as possible…

I wish there wouldnt be anything holding me here. That I could just ctb and not care about what im leaving behind. For now I hope I can lose weight.
Im not sure if I want to die asap. If i wanted to die wouldnt i do it without hesitation?

 

[Rymrgand]

my text got ignored. why am i even trying

Was it ignored? Can you confirm it? I have social anxiety and I have irrational thoughts about how everyone hates me and things like that. Maybe they didn't read it? Or maybe they read it, but since it's a serious issue, they want to think very well the answer, I'm not sure if you wrote that it was an emergency.

Or of course, maybe the friend you reached out is an asshole and not your friend.

Maybe you could try of reaching out someone else? Even if you think that you will need to CTB, you don't lose anything for trying to get help from your family and friends while you prepare the plan.

its so hard to believe this tbh. i see people on social media calling girls with my body fat or average. it sucks bc i know how it feels to be underweight and not being that anymore makes me feel like everything above a certain weight is obesity (for myself). im gonna go on a 600-1000 calorie diet now and try to lose 2-3 kg till my sisters wedding. its unfortunate i will be fat on the con but i might try and just fast there unless my artist friend decides to buy me food since im working for her.

Thank you it means a lot :(( im always hesitant venting in DMs bc we r all here bc we feel bad i dont wanna annoy anyone with even more negativity :((

Tbh idk if im considered pretty. I hear it here and there and i get hit on occasionally. Some ppl give me compliments but i still dont feel like its enough. I need to be as skinny as possible…

I wish there wouldnt be anything holding me here. That I could just ctb and not care about what im leaving behind. For now I hope I can lose weight.
Im not sure if I want to die asap. If i wanted to die wouldnt i do it without hesitation?

I know it's hard to believe. But social media is extremely toxic. People have absurdly unrealistic expectations, and some people simply want to insult other people, out of misogyny or simply because they are assholes. Some of the women who talk like that are women with ED, like you. You are saying yourself that you get compliments and you get hit on. I'm sure you are really pretty.

And trust me, you are not going be annoying if you want to vent in DMs (or in a thread). If you feel bad for me, we could chat about our hobbies too, so you are not simply trauma dumping. That way I could make you feel better and we could have a fun chat too.

If you want to lose a bit of weight so you feel better, it's okay, but most importantly remember that you already have a good body and a lot of people, probably most, prefer a woman with an "average" (aka conventionally attractive) weight than one who is really skinny due to an ED.

Remember, you are amazing and attractive already.

 

[slightoverlooked]

Was it ignored? Can you confirm it? I have social anxiety and I have irrational thoughts about how everyone hates me and things like that. Maybe they didn't read it? Or maybe they read it, but since it's a serious issue, they want to think very well the answer, I'm not sure if you wrote that it was an emergency.

I didnt say it in an urgent manner ig that might be why :(( they probably just dont know what to say.

I know it's hard to believe. But social media is extremely toxic. People have absurdly unrealistic expectations, and some people simply want to insult other people, out of misogyny or simply because they are assholes. Some of the women who talk like that are women with ED, like you. You are saying yourself that you get compliments and you get hit on. I'm sure you are really pretty.

And trust me, you are not going be annoying if you want to vent in DMs (or in a thread). If you feel bad for me, we could chat about our hobbies too, so you are not simply trauma dumping. That way I could make you feel better and we could have a fun chat too.

If you want to lose a bit of weight so you feel better, it's okay, but most importantly remember that you already have a good body and a lot of people, probably most, prefer a woman with an "average" (aka conventionally attractive) weight than one who is really skinny due to an ED.

Remember, you are amazing and attractive already

Thank you and you are right :((

Many ppl tell me that a guy wouldnt like me when im skinny but that makes me want to lose even more weight. I dont want anyone to like me for my body or choose me for my body. Which is contradicting thoughts bc i always believe when im skinnier im more loveable.
Im trying to focus on getting ready for the convention tmrw and i still need to study for my exam so there is that. I guess i survived another crisis which pisses me off a bit bc atp cant I just commit and leave everything behind.
I dont wanna leave my cats and family behind but i fear i must do it sooner or later.

 

[Rymrgand]

Many ppl tell me that a guy wouldnt like me when im skinny but that makes me want to lose even more weight. I dont want anyone to like me for my body or choose me for my body. Which is contradicting thoughts bc i always believe when im skinnier im more loveable.
Im trying to focus on getting ready for the convention tmrw and i still need to study for my exam so there is that. I guess i survived another crisis which pisses me off a bit bc atp cant I just commit and leave everything behind.
I dont wanna leave my cats and family behind but i fear i must do it sooner or later.

It seems to me that a guy would have a lot of reasons to choose you, not only your body. You seem to be kind and caring, and you have interesting hobbies. You sound like you would be a really good partner, especially if you improve your confidence and self-esteem.

I will let you deal with your convention and exam for now, but remember that my offer still stands, if you want to chat (I'm curious about who you are cosplaying!). As I said, even if you will need to CTB someday, you can still talk with people while you are alive.

 

[deadbidaylight]

Have you ever sought treatment for your ED? There is no shame in having an illness, and you are definitely not alone in it. Many people also suffer from the same illnesses. There are many resources and treatments for you. I implore you to look into getting some help for yourself. I (much like the above poster) am pro choice, but I believe you owe it to yourself to try and recover before choosing CTB. You deserve a happy, healthy life and I think you are more than capable of that if you can get ahold of your demons.

You sound like you have a lot of positive forces in your life that are keeping you around. I know facing this seems impossible, but recovery from an ED is a very attainable thing.

Ultimately, you are in charge of your own destiny. You are supported no matter which route you choose. I hope that you are able to find peace no matter which way you decide to proceed. Much love, and best wishes for you.

 

[2messdup]

I didnt say it in an urgent manner ig that might be why :(( they probably just dont know what to say.

Thank you and you are right :((

Many ppl tell me that a guy wouldnt like me when im skinny but that makes me want to lose even more weight. I dont want anyone to like me for my body or choose me for my body. Which is contradicting thoughts bc i always believe when im skinnier im more loveable.
Im trying to focus on getting ready for the convention tmrw and i still need to study for my exam so there is that. I guess i survived another crisis which pisses me off a bit bc atp cant I just commit and leave everything behind.
I dont wanna leave my cats and family behind but i fear i must do it sooner or later.

When you're in crisis is not the time to be making big decisions like ctb, just sayin'

 

[사람이 없어]

When you're in crisis is not the time to be making big decisions like ctb, just sayin'

Agreed. People should make big decisions like these with a clear mind. It's one thing to think about things and decide it's time to go, it's another thing to be overwhelmed with so many negative emotions you CTB without ever thinking it properly through. Certainly been there where I'd try cutting myself or jump in front something or do stupid risky things because I felt so bad I didn't even bother thinking beyond me just wanting to be dead, and comparing it to the time I had more time and tried to OD on a lot of drugs it was night and day. One was frantic, haphazard, I was in pain and just wanted to get rid of the negative feelings. The other was still being in pain, but also at peace that it was over soon.

 

[slightoverlooked]

Agreed. People should make big decisions like these with a clear mind. It's one thing to think about things and decide it's time to go, it's another thing to be overwhelmed with so many negative emotions you CTB without ever thinking it properly through. Certainly been there where I'd try cutting myself or jump in front something or do stupid risky things because I felt so bad I didn't even bother thinking beyond me just wanting to be dead, and comparing it to the time I had more time and tried to OD on a lot of drugs it was night and day. One was frantic, haphazard, I was in pain and just wanted to get rid of the negative feelings. The other was still being in pain, but also at peace that it was over soon.

no i agree.. i just tend to be impulsive and when the suicidal thoughts get a lot idk how to calm down. i attempted 5 times in a span of 2-3 years and all of them obv didnt work...only one single time got me in danger and it was an OD as well but then i was put into the psych ward for two months...no fun

 

[사람이 없어]

no i agree.. i just tend to be impulsive and when the suicidal thoughts get a lot idk how to calm down. i attempted 5 times in a span of 2-3 years and all of them obv didnt work...only one single time got me in danger and it was an OD as well but then i was put into the psych ward for two months...no fun

Maybe when you're in a rational and calm state of mine you can make a list of sorts for what you could perhaps do in case you suddenly get these overwhelming feelings again? I know that's been recommended many times to me and I always did write it, but generally I'd always stick to just a few things as calling friends and such seemed stupid at those times.
For me it was things like walking/biking to metaphorically "flee" everything and—as I had ED myself at the time—it also helped me with feeling I'd be doing something to help me lose weight, so it was a big W in my head, and better than whatever the alternative was. I'd often go biking at even 2-5 AM for hours while blasting music and just slowly get over my biggest emotions.

 

[slightoverlooked]

Maybe when you're in a rational and calm state of mine you can make a list of sorts for what you could perhaps do in case you suddenly get these overwhelming feelings again? I know that's been recommended many times to me and I always did write it, but generally I'd always stick to just a few things as calling friends and such seemed stupid at those times.
For me it was things like walking/biking to metaphorically "flee" everything and—as I had ED myself at the time—it also helped me with feeling I'd be doing something to help me lose weight, so it was a big W in my head, and better than whatever the alternative was. I'd often go biking at even 2-5 AM for hours while blasting music and just slowly get over my biggest emotions.

thank you...i should try that and i did that for a long time tbh but lately my depression has been making me so tired and exhausting that i feel like i cant lift a finger..probably why i havent ctb yet bc i have no energy...but i should try and put that energy to walking and being active..thank you for your advice!!

 

[사람이 없어]

thank you...i should try that and i did that for a long time tbh but lately my depression has been making me so tired and exhausting that i feel like i cant lift a finger..probably why i havent ctb yet bc i have no energy...but i should try and put that energy to walking and being active..thank you for your advice!!

Feel free to give updates. I wouldn't mind hearing how it's going for you.

 

[worthless creature]

no i agree.. i just tend to be impulsive and when the suicidal thoughts get a lot idk how to calm down. i attempted 5 times in a span of 2-3 years and all of them obv didnt work...only one single time got me in danger and it was an OD as well but then i was put into the psych ward for two months...no fun

i just got out of a two-week inpatient stay after an attempt. while i was there, i spoke with a psychiatrist, but she mainly focused on my ed and bpd, not my suicidality. i told her i really love poetry and art, so she set up times where, instead of groups, i could write poetry and sketch.

now, when my feelings get really overwhelming and the emptiness feels all-consuming, i try to listen to music while writing poems about how i feel, and recreate the images i imagine when i write into paintings.

im sorry if i came off preachy :c i am pro choice but i hope that in someway anything i said maybe can help you find an outlet to make this existence a little bit more bearable. we all deserve a chance. but no matter what you choose to do, you are supported.

 

[Brainbug]

Agreeing with the people above me and I would also love to hear about your time at the convention! I also go to one this weekend and am planning to cosplay, so I would adore to hear how it went for you, what your cosplay is/was and all things included!

 

[slightoverlooked]

Feel free to give updates. I wouldn't mind hearing how it's going for you.

thats so sweet thank you sm :(( <33

i just got out of a two-week inpatient stay after an attempt. while i was there, i spoke with a psychiatrist, but she mainly focused on my ed and bpd, not my suicidality. i told her i really love poetry and art, so she set up times where, instead of groups, i could write poetry and sketch.

now, when my feelings get really overwhelming and the emptiness feels all-consuming, i try to listen to music while writing poems about how i feel, and recreate the images i imagine when i write into paintings.

im sorry if i came off preachy :c i am pro choice but i hope that in someway anything i said maybe can help you find an outlet to make this existence a little bit more bearable. we all deserve a chance. but no matter what you choose to do, you are supported.

no dont worry i dont mind it at all...actually i feel very positively overwhelmed with the reaction i got on here today. it means a lot to me and genuinely helped me calm down :(( <33

i need to get back into sketching and writing as well..it always has been a great outlet for me. depression can be such a bitch and makes coping positively so hard :((

Agreeing with the people above me and I would also love to hear about your time at the convention! I also go to one this weekend and am planning to cosplay, so I would adore to hear how it went for you, what your cosplay is/was and all things included!

woah!! thats so cool :3 i hope u have lots of fun!! I am cosplaying a jjk character hopefully and going in j-fashion on some other days <33 it means a lot to me to see so many ppl care :(( i feel like i rlly miss that from some of my friends...

 

[Brainbug]

woah!! thats so cool :3 i hope u have lots of fun!! I am cosplaying a jjk character hopefully and going in j-fashion on some other days <33 it means a lot to me to see so many ppl care :(( i feel like i rlly miss that from some of my friends...

Thank you, I wish you an amazing time too and will keep you on my head if I spot a jjk cosplay! Also a very cool choice! I only know a little bit since I haven't seen it myself but my bf is a huge fan and info dumped on me, so I know how great and important it is for others.
And do feel hugged (if you are ok with that)! I also don't have many people in my life, but the ones I do I treasure dearly and we keep each other afloat

 

[Rymrgand]

thats so sweet thank you sm :(( <33

no dont worry i dont mind it at all...actually i feel very positively overwhelmed with the reaction i got on here today. it means a lot to me and genuinely helped me calm down :(( <33

i need to get back into sketching and writing as well..it always has been a great outlet for me. depression can be such a bitch and makes coping positively so hard :((

woah!! thats so cool :3 i hope u have lots of fun!! I am cosplaying a jjk character hopefully and going in j-fashion on some other days <33 it means a lot to me to see so many ppl care :(( i feel like i rlly miss that from some of my friends...

I agree, this community is awesome. And you are awesome too, so you need to both tell us the good parts of your life and about the fun you had in the convention, and also you need to vent when you feel bad about yourself. You are not annoying, remember that.

And even if not all your friends care too much about you, friendship is more about quality than quantity. Think of the ones who are consistently supporting you and being good friends and make sure they know that you love them and you are thankful for their friendship. Having a couple of close friends is amazing and will be extremely useful for your life.

 

[slightoverlooked]

thank you sm guys :((