Improvement: Interacting with people is impossible

[Arrow]

As always with almost any thread I've made, I'm not entirely sure which subforum to put this in. It's not really about dying, but it's not very hopeful either. I want to get better, but at the same time this feels rather offtopic. I'll just frame this as 'i wanna get better' and we can move forward from there.

I don't know how many people can relate to this, but interacting with other human beings feels fucking impossible. Even if I'm talking to people who are in my family/related to me it's not easy at all. I usually just stand on the sidelines until someone speaks to me and then I struggle to find something normal/interesting to say while hoping I'm passing as a regular person even though I was just being totally almost uncannily silent just moments ago.

I might just need other people to hang around with but when I'm actually having to talk to others I feel like a fish out of water, as if I've been completely taken out of my element. when I'm outside of my room it feels like I'm on another fucking planet and I need to blend in with the Martians somehow, but I can't seem to pull it off as I'd like to. Sometimes it helps a little to imagine the persona of a character in a movie that I already sort of jive with and then I'll try to act like them IRL, in a way becoming an actor in my own life so that it's a little easier to do things, but it's really hard to maintain something like that constantly, without an actual script, without truly being an actor, while also processing what others are saying and responding well. I wasn't trained for this shit, in a nutshell.

The question now is, how do I get better at talking to people and how do I make this feel more comfortable? I don't even care much what others think of me, I know I have basically nothing going for myself so if one more person thinks 'gee that guy's a loser' it won't really change jack shit--I can accept that. How do I NOT feel like a fish out of water? How can I feel like a person on earth even when I'm not completely alone? That's what I want--I'm tired of having no clue how to get a conversation off the ground and just drifting around hoping others will start it first. Fuck that shit, it's cringy just thinking about it. I wanna be able to loosen up and not have to act my way through even the most inconsequential interactions, even though a large part of me really doesn't want to talk to anyone and can't wait to get out of there.

Open to advice and interested to hear if anyone relates to this kind of roboticism. okay, end of post.

 

[hungry_ghost]

I don't know how many people can relate to this, but interacting with other human beings feels fucking impossible

It really is, if you don't care about the usual mundane bullshit that most people concern themselves with, or if your lifestyle and mindset does not match theirs.

I've come across a lot of people (online mostly) who feel as though they don't belong here.

Perhaps instead of fighting the feeling (of being an alien), we should just embrace it.

I wanna be able to loosen up and not have to act my way through even the most inconsequential interactions

What would you act like if no one were looking? What's your authentic self like?

a large part of me really doesn't want to talk to anyone and can't wait to get out of there.

Perhaps you should reflect on this, and what compels you to want to communicate with others, but at the same time, what holds you back from doing so.

 

[Arrow]

What would you act like if no one were looking? What's your authentic self like?

In general I'm just far more relaxed when nobody's around. I can more easily come up with things to talk about and I feel like I can pretty realistically simulate irl conversations when talking to myself. but 1. it feels hard to even just hop into a convo because i'll just feel so out of place before anything even happens, and 2. a lot of the times i don't even really care what people are talking about, but with the way my life is going there's a lot of pressure to interact with and be friendly with people i don't really feel like talking to or hanging around with, which really sucks.

compels you to want to communicate with others, but at the same time, what holds you back from doing so.

the compulsion is an outside one. if i could have it my way, i flat out just wouldn't talk to anybody irl honestly. i don't really have an actual internal drive to have friends or relationships, but i don't really have a choice in the matter currently. my hand is kind of being forced in a way.

 

[timf]

In Asperger circles the adoption of a persona is called masking. It can be useful in transient social situations. however, it can be draining to maintain all day such as in a work environment.

Our world has come to desire conformity to such a degree that anyone who stands out can be seen as a threat. People who were different used to be called "characters" and added interesting texture to the social fabric. Today they are not much accepted.

There can be hope in that those of us on the fringe can seek each other out to offer support and encouragement. I suspect that many "normal" people would rather have the richness in life that those on the fringe can bring, but are confined by the social expectations to a world of superficiality.

It may take some work because you may have to sift through a lot of people, but if you can find someone who is comfortable with the way you are, it can be worth it.

 

[Dead Ghost]

It is very difficult to talk to several people at once, I do well with only one and more if they let me talk to me only as if it were a one-way conversation. Otherwise, I just shut up and listen ... but I end up getting confused and not following the conversation, hehehe.

I'd tell you to try one alone, although I know it's hard at first because you'll have to get used to the other person's rhythm and phrases (they all speak differently, which we'll do), until you can dialogue with "normality." I put it in quotes because it's hard to think of answers while you're talking ... that's why I always prefer to be asked things or talk for a while, it's much easier.

//

És molt dificil parlar amb diverses persones alhora, a mi em surt bé només amb una i més si em deixen parlar a mi només com si fos una conversa unidireccional. En cas contrari, em limito a callar i escoltar... però m'acabo despistant i no segueixo la conversa, hehehe.

Et diría que provessis amb una de sola, tot i que se que al principi és difícil perquè t'hauràs d'acostumar al ritme i les frases de l'altre persona (totes parlen diferent, que hi farem), fins que puguis dialogar amb "normalitat". Ho he posat entre cometes perquè costa molt pensar les respostes mentres vas parlant... per això sempre prefereixo que em preguntin coses o parlar jo força estona, és molt més fàcil.

 

[whatevs]

It sounds like many in the thread are aspies, including me. Group conversations are very tough, and they get tougher if you're depressed. The only "advice" I have is to try to improve your mood (good fucking luck with that, eh? Gee great advice there chief), because once you are autistic AND depressed, forget about participating in a substantial way in group dialogue. In the rare instances I'm less broody or exhausted there is more willingness to struggle and get some space in a group conversation, because it's always a struggle, conversations are another reflection of the competitive nature of existence.

 

[NoLightRemains]

I'm on the autism spectrum and definitely feel like an outsider on this planet. As a very depressed suicidal person, group conversations now are just impossible for me, I get too overwhelmed and overstimulated by so many different people talking. I can still manage to talk one on one, but I struggle to talk about mundane daily stuff unless I really like the person I'm talking to. No great advice from me here, this is one of the longstanding reasons I want to CTB. I just try to surround myself with internet friends who accept I'm terrible at group conversations.

 

[Cosmic dust]

It sounds like many in the thread are aspies, including me. Group conversations are very tough, and they get tougher if you're depressed. The only "advice" I have is to try to improve your mood (good fucking luck with that, eh? Gee great advice there chief), because once you are autistic AND depressed, forget about participating in a substantial way in group dialogue. In the rare instances I'm less broody or exhausted there is more willingness to struggle and get some space in a group conversation, because it's always a struggle, conversations are another reflection of the competitive nature of existence.

Aspies, as in, person with asperger syndrome? You made me wonder for a second if I had that, but from what I know and have heard, I don't have the any other symptom.

I find hard to talk, but mostly because I have nothing going on, most people are always talking about their adventures, travel, work, dating, things they did during childhood or any other time in their lives, sometimes about the most comom types of entertainment or about news. I have spent the last 12 or 15 years alone playing games and working, I am still extremely lonely. The amount of things I have to say or to tell to most people are really limited.

In bigger groups there is also always at least one of "those" people, that always wanna steal the spotlight, talks louder than others and never stops talking and trying to be on the center of everything. On gatherings a few more talkative people just go on and on, like an open faucet, vomiting an endless stream of chat, with other people waiting and grabing any oportunity to engage, I just can't find a way to take part without interrupting someone and being rude, when there are these moments, with a little breathing room for someone else to talk, I am just soo much sidelined and numb I can't think of something fast enough, before someone else starts talking. The prospect of having to compete with others for attention also turns me off completely, I find it cringe, even. The issue is that I end up being sidelined and become that boring guy that no one ever cares.

 

[whatevs]

Aspies, as in, person with asperger syndrome? You made me wonder for a second if I had that, but from what I know and have heard, I don't have the any other symptom.

I find hard to talk, but mostly because I have nothing going on, most people are always talking about their adventures, travel, work, dating, things they did during childhood or any other time in their lives, sometimes about the most comom types of entertainment or about news. I have spent the last 12 or 15 years alone playing games and working, I am still extremely lonely. The amount of things I have to say or to tell to most people are really limited.

In bigger groups there is also always at least one of "those" people, that always wanna steal the spotlight, talks louder than others and never stops talking and trying to be on the center of everything. On gatherings a few more talkative people just go on and on, like an open faucet, vomiting an endless stream of chat, with other people waiting and grabing any oportunity to engage, I just can't find a way to take part without interrupting someone and being rude, when there are these moments, with a little breathing room for someone else to talk, I am just soo much sidelined and numb I can't think of something fast enough, before someone else starts talking. The prospect of having to compete with others for attention also turns me off completely, I find it cringe, even. The issue is that I end up being sidelined and become that boring guy that no one ever cares.

I got ya, you don't need to be autistic to have nothing much going on with your life and thus find gruelling interactions with people that have active lives.

Luckily for me I have both the Asperger's diagnosis AND I haven't much going on either due to being chronically fatigued.

But yeah most people seem to be engaging with as much shit as they can to avoid seeing that our society is absolutely delusional, will end in an spectacular crash soon, and last but not least that we are all going to grow old, become ill and die.

 

[Cosmic dust]

I got ya, you don't need to be autistic to have nothing much going on with your life and thus find gruelling interactions with people that have active lives.

Luckily for me I have both the Asperger's diagnosis AND I haven't much going on either due to being chronically fatigued.

But yeah most people seem to be engaging with as much shit as they can to avoid seeing that our society is absolutely delusional, will end in an spectacular crash soon, and last but not least that we are all going to grow old, become ill and die.

Is in times of reflection like this that I wonder why I even care about being part and interacting with a society like this (for most of my life I suffered to some extent with social exclusion, not fitting in, rejection, loneliness, lack of affection and validation) when I don't really wanna jump through all the hops (like competing for attention) and don't really wanna connect with people that are like this.

If I could find some misfits to be my loyal friends, maybe life could be perfect.


Edit: I just realized I hijacked the thread, gave zero advice and only talked about myself. Maybe I am not that different than the people I was talking about. Oh, the irony. Sorry about that.

 

[Sibyl Vane]

It's difficult for me to interact with people, but it's even harder to connect. I feel there's no place for me anywhere. If I try to be around the ones who are "socially outcasted" like I am, they don't seem to be compatible with me in regards to politics and general views; this entails an exhaustive condition of having to constantly hide who I really am or take the risk to be attacked and hated for it.

If I go to the side that is more aligned with my beliefs; it doesn't seem to work out either. In that case, I feel the need to hide the "social outcasted" aspect, the lack of real-life experiences, and the "nothing going on" side of me for fear of being judged. This results in me never being able to fully be myself and connect with someone, an impossible task to achieve.

I wish I could have some good advice for you, but unfotunate I'm in the same situation of being uncertain about what to do.

 

[alliebear]

Same! I am scared to answer phone call as well so i put my phone constantly on sleep mode so that no call or whatsap can get through. I also felt heavy weighted to reply to people at social media. I felt that is really tiring and i always left the conversation hanging for so long. Also its been years im scared to go out in public where crowded people are

 

[Azagorod]

So, I don't have much insight of the core of the issue but here are a few tricks that you may or may not already know that can help in conversations :
Try to remember as much as possible about the other person / what seems important to them / what is their current context (is there some important deadline in their work, are they changing house, do they have a holiday planned ?) Since I had a lot of trouble with that one I started keeping a note (in the notes app on android) with the people that I need to interact with but who don't interest me so I usually forget a lot about them. I update it after discussing with them and usually can get some "normie conversation" point by just asking them about the last thing I wrote about them.
People joke about talking about the weather but the reason it works so well is due to it being something simple that will always be relatable by everyone in the conversation. Other examples of such things include (depending on who you are talking to) sports (soccer for non american works with like 50% of the entire population at least), news ("current affairs" are often depressing tho so execise caution) and work (even if you are doing very different jobs, things like "this meeting could have been an email" or "the guidelines changed AGAIN and I wasn't warned" are fairly universal experiences).
Try to mirror the emotional state of the person(s), normal people do that instinctively via empathy, you may have to work consciously on it.

 

[rancidJLJL]

Perhaps you need to find some other people who share your interests? I too used to try and be someone else around people and found that i only became more alienated and alone. Be yourself dude. There is no other way!