Discussion impact of our suicide on others

[longingforrelease]

Hi everyone,
As some of you know I'm wrestling with the possible impacts of my death on my young daughter. As I know from some threads I'm not alone in this. (We all have friends, family, etc who will grieve after our departure). I've done a little research and have found a couple of things I thought I'd share The conclusion I'm coming to is that should I choose to die there is a good chance my daughter might suffer not just the short term pain of grieving her loss, but actually a higher risk of a range of emotional and even physical illnesses in the future. This makes the choice to ctb in order to end my suffering even more difficult than it already was. In fact, it adds to my already considerable pain and suffering resulting from the terrible choices I made which broke up our family, cost me my job and the rest (all the stuff that brings me to the brink of suicide). The TedTalk I'm attaching explores the long term health effects of childhood trauma. I did find in my research, however, that there does appear to be a difference in the bereavement people endure depending on whether it's suicide or accidental. This sort of affirms my belief that I really must take care to make my death appear accidental. Anyway, I thought this might be of interest to some of you.
Ted talk
article

 

[Finallyhere]

Yeah you'd have to make it seem accidental. Have you considered that there are fathers out there who have effed up way worse? You may be apart, but at least you're not in jail.

 

[Couchking]

Hi everyone,
As some of you know I'm wrestling with the possible impacts of my death on my young daughter. As I know from some threads I'm not alone in this. (We all have friends, family, etc who will grieve after our departure). I've done a little research and have found a couple of things I thought I'd share The conclusion I'm coming to is that should I choose to die there is a good chance my daughter might suffer not just the short term pain of grieving her loss, but actually a higher risk of a range of emotional and even physical illnesses in the future. This makes the choice to ctb in order to end my suffering even more difficult than it already was. In fact, it adds to my already considerable pain and suffering resulting from the terrible choices I made which broke up our family, cost me my job and the rest (all the stuff that brings me to the brink of suicide). The TedTalk I'm attaching explores the long term health effects of childhood trauma. I did find in my research, however, that there does appear to be a difference in the bereavement people endure depending on whether it's suicide or accidental. This sort of affirms my belief that I really must take care to make my death appear accidental. Anyway, I thought this might be of interest to some of you.
Ted talk
article

Why not just change and fix your life for you and your daughter?

 

[TheLastTrip]

Thank you LongingForRelease. I don't have kids but have thought about making it looks accidental for the sake of friends.

Hopefully the TED talk will help some people with kids to come to term with their decision.

 

[longingforrelease]

Yeah you'd have to make it seem accidental. Have you considered that there are fathers out there who have effed up way worse? You may be apart, but at least you're not in jail.

thanks friend. Yes, it now seems certain that I have to make it look accidental. I'm leaning toward Shallow Water Blackout, which seems fairly peaceful and does actually happen accidentally fairly frequently.

 

[longingforrelease]

Thank you LongingForRelease. I don't have kids but have thought about making it looks accidental for the sake of friends.

Hopefully the TED talk will help some people with kids to come to term with their decision.

you're most welcome. The only downside I've seen with making it look accidental is that I won't get a chance to leave a note or a facebook post in which I say goodbye, try to make it clear how sorry I am for the things I did that brought me to this, etc. The suggestions I've received to deal with that problem is to start a journal in which I discuss how much I love my daughter, how much joy she has brought me, etc. I'd leave the journal in an easy to locate place so that she will be sure to get it. That scenario gives me some comfort. Might be something you do in your case.

 

[longingforrelease]

Why not just change and fix your life for you and your daughter?

thanks Couchking. It seems like it's too late for that. I did terrible things, things that I just can't seem to live with anymore. I had such a wonderful life, filled with joy. There's no recovering from all that I have done. At least it seems that I can't seem to shake the relentless feelings of remorse, regret, shame, isolation and loss for all that I had. to top it off, to find a job in my field, I had to move 10,000 miles from my daughter and now it's harder and harder to reach her by Skype. It seems like she's already moving on without me.

 

[TiredHorse]

The only downside I've seen with making it look accidental is that I won't get a chance to leave a note or a facebook post in which I say goodbye, try to make it clear how sorry I am for the things I did that brought me to this, etc.

I had a thought on that: in one of your journal entries, could you write down "a dream I had" where you were saying goodbye to your daughter? Fictionalize it, so that while she's young she could read it as nothing more than an odd, sad dream in which the two of you said goodbye, at worst a premonition, but that when she's older she might perhaps realize that it is your farewell to her?

 

[longingforrelease]

I had a thought on that: in one of your journal entries, could you write down "a dream I had" where you were saying goodbye to your daughter? Fictionalize it, so that while she's young she could read it as nothing more than an odd, sad dream in which the two of you said goodbye, at worst a premonition, but that when she's older she might perhaps realize that it is your farewell to her?

That's a beautiful thought. Thanks for the inspiration. I have more to say, but the battery on this macbook is at 2%. More later. Thanks friend,

 

[Xerxes]

It could go both ways. You do it now when she's young, she'll grow up wondering why daddy did it, and no amount of explaining or videos will help her understand why. She'll come around to it on her own in her adult years. You do it later when her brain and experiences in life are a bit more developed, then she can understand and the pain won't be too bad.

Overall, any person in your life that you are close to, will make their pain of losing you so much greater. Unless you're a total asshole to them and they probably wish you were gone anyways.

 

[longingforrelease]

That's a beautiful thought. Thanks for the inspiration. I have more to say, but the

I had a thought on that: in one of your journal entries, could you write down "a dream I had" where you were saying goodbye to your daughter? Fictionalize it, so that while she's young she could read it as nothing more than an odd, sad dream in which the two of you said goodbye, at worst a premonition, but that when she's older she might perhaps realize that it is your farewell to her?

I think this is an excellent idea. It would, in fact, be a nice way to start the journal. I could say that this dream I just had has given me the idea to start journaling... thanks for the insight!
battery on this macbook is at 2%. More later. Thanks friend,

 

[scales]

It depends, how young is your daughter? If she is especially young and likely to have childhood amnesia, and you have other suitable parents to take place, she may not suffer too much.

However, if she is older but still a child it will affect her deeply. In adults, happiness has a baseline and after a certain amount of time people will return to the baseline levels of happiness following a negative event, meaning they will move on.

The story is entirely different for children. She will suffer immensely unless care is taken and even then she may suffer. It's hard because children are so fragile and not yet ready for rough life experiences, the things they experience can and do harm them for the rest of their lives, and the rest of their lives may be more than 70 years.

 

[longingforrelease]

It depends, how young is your daughter? If she is especially young and likely to have childhood amnesia, and you have other suitable parents to take place, she may not suffer too much.

However, if she is older but still a child it will affect her deeply. In adults, happiness has a baseline and after a certain amount of time people will return to the baseline levels of happiness following a negative event, meaning they will move on.

The story is entirely different for children. She will suffer immensely unless care is taken and even then she may suffer. It's hard because children are so fragile and not yet ready for rough life experiences, the things they experience can and do harm them for the rest of their lives, and the rest of their lives may be more than 70 years.

Thanks Scales. My daughter is 10, soon to be 11. So I'm afraid my sudden death will unavoidably cause her pain and suffering. And of course this only adds to my own pain and suffering. What I learned from the Ted Talk is that childhood traumas can have lifelong negative effects and both psychological as well as physical health. Since my behavior led to the breakup of our family, she's already experienced one of the childhood traumas discussed in that talk. So my death would add yet another even more significant one. This makes my seriously pondering ctb even more distressing for me. The only upside I can find is that in my further research (of which the article I attached is only one example) I found a near consensus that the bereavement for people who lose someone to suicide is significantly different (longer lasting, more traumatic, etc.) than it is for those who lose someone to an accident. This is why I am now fully committed to a method like SWB should I decide to ctb. Ive also received good feedback on this site that has convinced me to start a journal in which I discuss how much I love my daughter, how much joy she has brought me and how sorry that the family broke up. My hope is that my messages to her in the journal will help her in the grieving process and convince her that she was loved.

 

[AlePizarnik]

In my case nobody will care.

 

[longingforrelease]

In my case nobody will care.

I haven't been on this site long, but I think I can safely say people here will care. They will of course hope you find peace, but many will also be saddened at the same time. Peace to you.

 

[BaconCheeseburger]

Why not just change and fix your life for you and your daughter?

Is it ever that easy? If it was we wouldn't be on this site

 

[Couchking]

Is it ever that easy? If it was we wouldn't be on this site

Yes it is that simple.

 

[BaconCheeseburger]

Yes it is that simple.

Can you magically make my depression go away with your magic wand please? And kill my annoying colleague, and move me to a tropical island? Kthx

 

[Jerryman]

Thanks Scales. My daughter is 10, soon to be 11. So I'm afraid my sudden death will unavoidably cause her pain and suffering. And of course this only adds to my own pain and suffering. What I learned from the Ted Talk is that childhood traumas can have lifelong negative effects and both psychological as well as physical health. Since my behavior led to the breakup of our family, she's already experienced one of the childhood traumas discussed in that talk. So my death would add yet another even more significant one. This makes my seriously pondering ctb even more distressing for me. The only upside I can find is that in my further research (of which the article I attached is only one example) I found a near consensus that the bereavement for people who lose someone to suicide is significantly different (longer lasting, more traumatic, etc.) than it is for those who lose someone to an accident. This is why I am now fully committed to a method like SWB should I decide to ctb. Ive also received good feedback on this site that has convinced me to start a journal in which I discuss how much I love my daughter, how much joy she has brought me and how sorry that the family broke up. My hope is that my messages to her in the journal will help her in the grieving process and convince her that she was loved.

Yes theirs a huge difference when it's a suicide, this is why we need methods to make it look like death wasn't our choice. I think we need more focus in this. I wouldn't mind becoming terminally ill and suffering for a few months knowing the end is coming. Swb might look like a suicide if in a bath. Might look suspicious in a lake or some place you never normally go. There must be someway to induce a fatal illness

 

[longingforrelease]

Yes theirs a huge difference when it's a suicide, this is why we need methods to make it look like death wasn't our choice. I think we need more focus in this. I wouldn't mind becoming terminally ill and suffering for a few months knowing the end is coming. Swb might look like a suicide if in a bath. Might look suspicious in a lake or some place you never normally go. There must be someway to induce a fatal illness

agreed. For me the effort to make it look accidental is paramount. Fortunately, there's a pool here at my apartment complex so that's convenient.

 

[longingforrelease]

You can kill your colleague yourself. Or pay a hitman.

You can buy an island house with money.

Why not just learn to make money?

are those comments really meant to be helpful?

 

[Couchking]

are those comments really meant to be helpful?

I answered his questions.

 

[BaconCheeseburger]

are those comments really meant to be helpful?

Glad it's not just me who doesn't get it.
Edit: I'm a girl but hey give me some male privelege anyday!

 

[ZeitZuGehen]

You can kill your colleague yourself. Or pay a hitman.

You can buy an island house with money.

Why not just learn to make money?

-pays hitman to kill colleague
-he's a scammer and doesn't pull through
-buy a house on an island
-500k in debt
-find out ways to make money
-scam other people on the internet because it's hard to get rich in an ethical way
-cause more suffering but that's ok because you and your daughter are rich now

 

[longingforrelease]

Glad it's not just me who doesn't get it.
Edit: I'm a girl but hey give me some male privelege anyday!

Nope: It's not just you! And hey, you can have some of my male privilege, I seem to have thrown away all that it gave me!

 

[longingforrelease]

Then your english and reading comprehension must be really bad.

I'm afraid there wasn't anything of substance in your snarky empty platitudes that required linguistic skills or analytical capacity. There's nothing there to not get.

 

[Couchking]

I'm afraid there wasn't anything of substance in your snarky empty platitudes that required linguistic skills or analytical capacity. There's nothing there to not get.

Right. I was wrong. My bad. Hahhahah.


Sorry about that...I'll avoid posting in this thread again since I'm not making any sense.

 

[longingforrelease]

Right. I was wrong. My bad. Hahhahah.


Sorry about that...I'll avoid posting in this thread again since I'm not making any sense.

cheers. Be well.