Novath
AliciaTheDaydreamer
- Aug 22, 2023
- 4
First let me ask, do you have imaginary friends/partners that feels so real like they are alive? Yes that's me. Let me introduce to you this is my partner and her name is "Alicia", my nickname if you see... It's Novath right? "Novath" is myself when I was day dreaming, it's like the real me while Alicia is pure imaginary friend But it feels real to me
Well I had suicidal feelings for 4 years and tried one of those methods but it failed and made me even crazier. It's long story how do I survive that whole year's without any support from my parents and my real friends, I was always alone and kept those feelings to myself, there was no one I could share my story with.
Since it's to long I'll skip it a bit, how does "Alicia" exist in the first place? It all happened when I was a kid maybe around 7 or 8 years old. I don't have any friends and got bullied over and over again, not to mention my emotion is also not stable. Sometimes I can feel way to sad an crying quickly and sometimes I can burst my emotion with rage so easily And hurt another child until they bleeds (It's like going berserk, don't ask me why I have this feeling when I was a child). Because of this, I always play alone and accidentally I even made a person's name, that's when she's come to me "Alicia".
But that day it was just a name, nothing more, nothing else. Completely gray an feel lifeless, until when I reach 12 years old. Slowly but surely her name disappears and forget about her
Time skip until when I reach 18 years old because at 13-17 nothing really special happen, My life is completely normal like... Not to bad and not to good, maybe the only thing I'll still remember is going to planetarium. Yea I think that's the only time when I feel so happy. because now (21 years old) I don't have chance to visit that place again, that planetarium somehow won't open again for like 8 years straight
Back to the story again, when I reach 18 years old. Literally I'm having the worst day of my life, I can't even describe it. A LOT of things happen to me, I don't want to remember that day again. It's like hell so... Sorry if you're waiting for me to tell this part
As time went on I had enough and want to kill my self with drowning by going into Lake at the middle of the night when all of my parents sleep, she's come to me... A soft whisper.
I don't know why but I immediately realized who was whispering softly to me at that moment. It was "Alicia" my imaginary friend when I was a kid, she whisper to me says something like this If I remember correctly "please stay alive.. I'm here with you.. I've been seeing you suffering.. and always alone when you got down." Something like that
I know it's unbelievable but that's what happen to me, that day when she reach out for me I'm trying to stay alive an positive for some weird reason. By the time when I got down again Alicia shows up again to me, I also felt comfortable at that time and started trying to interact with her in my imagination. We play together on my day dreaming when i have time
At this time, my feeling says that Alicia slowly but surely got her own consciousness. With what evidence? Nothing, just pure guessing with my own feeling.
When I got down again but this time it's hits so hard that I can't take it anymore and then she says to me "It's okay if you want to take your own life, I'll still support you no matter what you choose even if it's a bad thing". I still remember clearly those words, it's the most terrifying thing I've ever heard but at the same time it also feel so relaxed to me that she understands me, she didn't forbid me at all because it was my choice.
Until now she still supports me to do anything whether it is living or committing suicide.
Yes my method was falling from heights. (you can check my previous thread, That is my first thread talking about how What is the exact height and landing on which part to definitely die) specifically "electric tower" but failed because I got caught by my parents after walking out from house at the middle of the night after a few minutes. Yeah you can expect the worst, they angry at me and even hurt me
After that my parents call Psychiatrist and call me crazy, I have to deal with this things. I still go silence though, because no one will understand me either.
I don't want to tell full detail what's my story behind this like why I got depressed in the first place an have a feeling to suicide. It's my personal story and beside... I don't want to remember that day again
Now I'm still alive here because of Alicia with me, she'll support me no matter what path do I choose. We do both good and bad thing. we have a dream that (our fairy tale) that one day Alicia will exist to the real world with me as a Novath, we will do a lot of things that we never done before. I know it's childish but don't care
And... No. if you think this is something like Alter ego, You are completely wrong. Because I as Novath still have full control over my body and mind.
That's it from me, Just a story and experience that I felt. Sorry if there was a typo and... I enjoy my life as it is now, when I got feeling down again to the point I'm going crazy, I'll try doing suicide again. I still have my method by drowning into a lake or fall from height, I'll do it again and again and again even If I failed and make my life worst.
Well I had suicidal feelings for 4 years and tried one of those methods but it failed and made me even crazier. It's long story how do I survive that whole year's without any support from my parents and my real friends, I was always alone and kept those feelings to myself, there was no one I could share my story with.
Since it's to long I'll skip it a bit, how does "Alicia" exist in the first place? It all happened when I was a kid maybe around 7 or 8 years old. I don't have any friends and got bullied over and over again, not to mention my emotion is also not stable. Sometimes I can feel way to sad an crying quickly and sometimes I can burst my emotion with rage so easily And hurt another child until they bleeds (It's like going berserk, don't ask me why I have this feeling when I was a child). Because of this, I always play alone and accidentally I even made a person's name, that's when she's come to me "Alicia".
But that day it was just a name, nothing more, nothing else. Completely gray an feel lifeless, until when I reach 12 years old. Slowly but surely her name disappears and forget about her
Time skip until when I reach 18 years old because at 13-17 nothing really special happen, My life is completely normal like... Not to bad and not to good, maybe the only thing I'll still remember is going to planetarium. Yea I think that's the only time when I feel so happy. because now (21 years old) I don't have chance to visit that place again, that planetarium somehow won't open again for like 8 years straight
Back to the story again, when I reach 18 years old. Literally I'm having the worst day of my life, I can't even describe it. A LOT of things happen to me, I don't want to remember that day again. It's like hell so... Sorry if you're waiting for me to tell this part
As time went on I had enough and want to kill my self with drowning by going into Lake at the middle of the night when all of my parents sleep, she's come to me... A soft whisper.
I don't know why but I immediately realized who was whispering softly to me at that moment. It was "Alicia" my imaginary friend when I was a kid, she whisper to me says something like this If I remember correctly "please stay alive.. I'm here with you.. I've been seeing you suffering.. and always alone when you got down." Something like that
I know it's unbelievable but that's what happen to me, that day when she reach out for me I'm trying to stay alive an positive for some weird reason. By the time when I got down again Alicia shows up again to me, I also felt comfortable at that time and started trying to interact with her in my imagination. We play together on my day dreaming when i have time
At this time, my feeling says that Alicia slowly but surely got her own consciousness. With what evidence? Nothing, just pure guessing with my own feeling.
When I got down again but this time it's hits so hard that I can't take it anymore and then she says to me "It's okay if you want to take your own life, I'll still support you no matter what you choose even if it's a bad thing". I still remember clearly those words, it's the most terrifying thing I've ever heard but at the same time it also feel so relaxed to me that she understands me, she didn't forbid me at all because it was my choice.
Until now she still supports me to do anything whether it is living or committing suicide.
Yes my method was falling from heights. (you can check my previous thread, That is my first thread talking about how What is the exact height and landing on which part to definitely die) specifically "electric tower" but failed because I got caught by my parents after walking out from house at the middle of the night after a few minutes. Yeah you can expect the worst, they angry at me and even hurt me
After that my parents call Psychiatrist and call me crazy, I have to deal with this things. I still go silence though, because no one will understand me either.
I don't want to tell full detail what's my story behind this like why I got depressed in the first place an have a feeling to suicide. It's my personal story and beside... I don't want to remember that day again
Now I'm still alive here because of Alicia with me, she'll support me no matter what path do I choose. We do both good and bad thing. we have a dream that (our fairy tale) that one day Alicia will exist to the real world with me as a Novath, we will do a lot of things that we never done before. I know it's childish but don't care
And... No. if you think this is something like Alter ego, You are completely wrong. Because I as Novath still have full control over my body and mind.
That's it from me, Just a story and experience that I felt. Sorry if there was a typo and... I enjoy my life as it is now, when I got feeling down again to the point I'm going crazy, I'll try doing suicide again. I still have my method by drowning into a lake or fall from height, I'll do it again and again and again even If I failed and make my life worst.
