Venting im worthless

[5_5]

uhh, i don't know how to say this. i feel like i'm worth nothing. i care too much about what people think of me, i can't make the simplest decisions without asking everyone around me first, like i need their approval just to exist properly. i also make the boys i talk to my number one priority, like, if they're happy with me, maybe i'll feel okay with myself too. but that feeling never lasts. i am a huge disgusting pick me who loves male attention and has learned throughout the years exactly how to get it. i hate myself for that

i used to try to stay busy. like hobbies, routines, distractions - things that look healthy and productive from the outside. but if i'm being honest, it was all performative. going to uni and studying communications with a focus on publicity, coding, being a dj, being popular online for my music, fashion and aesthetic. so desperately in need of attention. and right now (because of seasonal depression i think. it's winter where i live) i've hit my lowest point. i don't even perform anymore. it's like there's an on/off button in my back that's been pressed. i stopped going to uni, i stopped doing the things that i love. i've started to lie to my parents and family about everything because i don't want them to find out how miserable i am. it hurts so much to be the only one that can help myself yet not do absolutely anything to change. most of these days i've just been rotting in my room, disappointing everyone without them knowing, because they think my life is perfect and that i'm doing awesome like i've told them. i don't know how to stop it.

i know everything gets better in the summer and i go back to normal. lots of friends, my social life gets active like it's always been. i begin to function on my own without having this invisible monster in my head that forces me to stay in bed, not shower, lie to everyone and just play video games and talk to online friends. i wish i could be normal in winter as well. i care about myself and my future. i care about my life. so much that if i don't fix this misery i might as well just end my life so it can stop bothering me. i wanna live - or not - in peace.

back to being worthless - i don't know who i am when no one's watching. everything i do feels like a role i'm playing, and i've gotten good at it. too good. i wish i didn't care so much. i wish i could let go and be effortlessly confident like everyone else seems to be. but instead, i overthink every word, every move, every interaction. i'm so tired of performing. i just want to feel real. i just want to feel like i'm enough, even if nobody's looking. maybe i'm young and too sensitive. maybe there are people here that have it worse than me and i'm just complaining about nothing aaaggghhhhsdjafskdfhdfsfalsdhfasfhasdf i don't know

but then it all comes to the same thing. i love alcohol and drugs and music and creating and my friends so i guess that's worth living for im gonna have an aperol spritz, listen to house music, shut the hell up for a second, and stop being so dramatic
i have some experience in writing but i havent done it in years. i hope this is readable . . .

 

[catlover20]

I understand what you're going through. I'm currently a student trying to improve my grades after dropping out of high school about three years ago. I struggled with social anxiety, combined with the immense pressure from the school, like exams and other commitments. I reached a breaking point and decided to drop out. After that, I hit rock bottom; I stopped going outside, cut off connections with my friends and isolated myself in my room. It was quite a tough time.

It's commendable that you've recognized your issues before they reached a point of no return. I think the most important thing is to focus on the present rather than worrying too much about the future. Engage in activities you enjoy, talk to the people closest to you, and truly cherish the present moment.

While this may sound cliché or even silly because it's been said countless times, I genuinely believe that things will improve over time.

I just thought I'd share my experience with you, and I wish you the best. Feel free to reach out if you want.