I'm worried I'm losing touch with my suicidality. What should I do?

[ArteriesBindEveryon]

For context, I was recently pulled over for speeding and now have to pay a $300 fine for that and an expired registration. I had career-related plans but just went home after this because I was going to miss it anyway. I was in the wrong so I didn't fight it. My parents said they'd help me take care of it, but I know I'm ruining their lives further. Despite this, I didn't even think of a method to CTB. Suicide crossed my mind as it always does whenever something goes wrong, but it wasn't nearly as strong as it normally is. Instead I focused on figuring out how to re-register my car and pay what I owe. Most would consider this a good thing and while I'm glad I didn't procrastinate, I'm concerned that I wasn't as suicide-focused as I normally would be. Typically in a situation like this, I write down the date and time. I do this because I believe one should wait 72 hours before committing suicide to ensure that it is the best solution. But here, I didn't. This scares me because I've always seen my suicidality as a safety mechanism. It helps knowing that no matter how bad things get, I can always CTB. But if I find myself in a totally life-ruining situation and I can't bring myself to CTB, then I'm basically sentencing myself to hell.
So here's where I ask for your advice, since this is the only community that would understand. Should I try to regain my suicidality to protect myself from a reality where my life is unbearable? If so, how? And if not, what are some other things besides suicide I could rely on? Thanks in advance for your help.
-ABE

 

[piger]

Perhaps you've been in worse situations, and feel that this situation isn't completely life-ruining deep down. If you use suicidality as a defense mechanism to avoid difficult situations, overtime through exposure and reusing that mechanism you're going to get used to situations that sting much less. I often resort to thinking about suicide as well but I stay feeling obligated to at least get through "this" or "that" thing.

Registration + a ticket fine is money that can be made back and your parents are providing support net for you to that made it not sting as much. You can always reschedule that meeting or find another option to build your career. I don't know much else about your life but I can say that if you can provide yourself a will to build back and have a means to do so, do it. Keep living until you know for damn sure you've reached the end.

We don't enjoy our lives and seek death because we absolutely feel for sure that we can't change them whether its our own perception or reality. As humans we both have tendencies to want to die and then that natural instinct to want to live before we die. I'm not sure if you really know what you are seeking anymore and suggest thinking about what you ideally want for yourself.

 

[ArteriesBindEveryon]

Perhaps you've been in worse situations, and feel that this situation isn't completely life-ruining deep down. If you use suicidality as a defense mechanism to avoid difficult situations, overtime through exposure and reusing that mechanism you're going to get used to situations that sting much less. I often resort to thinking about suicide as well but I stay feeling obligated to at least get through "this" or "that" thing.

Registration + a ticket fine is money that can be made back and your parents are providing support net for you to that made it not sting as much. You can always reschedule that meeting or find another option to build your career. I don't know much else about your life but I can say that if you can provide yourself a will to build back and have a means to do so, do it. Keep living until you know for damn sure you've reached the end.

We don't enjoy our lives and seek death because we absolutely feel for sure that we can't change them whether its our own perception or reality. As humans we both have tendencies to want to die and then that natural instinct to want to live before we die. I'm not sure if you really know what you are seeking anymore and suggest thinking about what you ideally want for yourself.

I've got a strange relationship with obligation. I've often felt that because I always told people I was going to kill myself that I'm somehow obligated to do it. But most people would rather not have someone they know commit suicide, which seems to indicate that my duty is the opposite.
I wasn't planning on killing myself over this ticket because like you said, I can pay it off and move on with my life. I'm just worried that I won't be prepared to commit suicide when something worse happens. But now that I'm typing this out, I'm starting to realize that how I reacted today was a good thing. I've always felt that suicide can and should be done rationally (even if that usually isn't the case). If anything, this shows I have a greater understanding of what is worthy grounds for suicide. I want to use my suicidality as a tool, but I don't have to let it control me.
Thank you for talking it out with me. I'm feeling a lot better about myself. I wish I started posting about this stuff here sooner. I used to vent on Reddit but I was shadowbanned from r/SuicideWatch.

 

[puella]

I've often felt that because I always told people I was going to kill myself that I'm somehow obligated to do it.

You are never obligated to CTB. It is completely up to you, and you should never feel bad about having emotions and thoughts.

I'm proud of you. Keep trying your best for now. I think it's best to wait until you know you shouldn't continue before you CTB—one of very few situations where it's usually best to not be proactive.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Sounds to me like this may just have been an adrenalin rush. I think that can motivate us more towards living. That or maybe preconditioning. Are you usually a law abiding citizen? Did the experience rattle you? Maybe, you just don't like being in trouble and you want to resolve this so that things don't get worse. I'm not so sure that's the same as a burning desire to live.

There have been at least two memorable events in my life that confused me. I've had ideation for 33 years. I've usually felt so sure that death was what I really wanted. One day, I saw a block of flats on fire. I'm terrified of fire. That scared me into worrying about death and especially dying in those circumstances. The second was going in for an operation. It wasn't even terribly major but I guess there's always a risk and I did feel genuinely worried- which really confused me. It would presumably have been an ideal way to go- under anaesthetic. I think in that case though- it was because I hadn't got my affairs in proper order. Plus, my parents were there and I hate goodbyes. I know it's not really the same thing- mine were more about confronting my own death but- I think it was the shock element that prompted me to feel like that.

I'm wondering if it's the same for you. I'd say- in which case- it's probably nothing to worry about. In fact, it may be a good thing. You sound like you don't want to CTB impulsively- the whole 72 hour wait thing. I think this experience might show you that you likely won't do it impulsively because of some freak bad thing that happens and shocks you into it. In reality- suicide will be there for all of us if we really want it. Like you though- I think it's important to be sure. How do you feel about it now?

 

[Oblivionis]

hey don't feel bad for not wanting to CTB. CTB is not something we should desire to feel; it is not something to be desired. It is something that happens when people feel as if they really have no hope left, and it leads to many unfortunate happenings. Do not force it, if you feel it you feel it otherwise leave it be.

 

[ArteriesBindEveryon]

You are never obligated to CTB. It is completely up to you, and you should never feel bad about having emotions and thoughts.

I'm proud of you. Keep trying your best for now. I think it's best to wait until you know you shouldn't continue before you CTB—one of very few situations where it's usually best to not be proactive.

Not sure if the default frame of mind is something to be "proud" of, but I appreciate the sentiment. And the more I think about it, yeah it doesn't make sense to feel like I should feel obligated to CTB. I don't think people should be obligated to live, so the opposite should be true for consistency. Thanks for the encouragement.

Sounds to me like this may just have been an adrenalin rush. I think that can motivate us more towards living. That or maybe preconditioning. Are you usually a law abiding citizen? Did the experience rattle you? Maybe, you just don't like being in trouble and you want to resolve this so that things don't get worse. I'm not so sure that's the same as a burning desire to live.

You got it exactly right. First time I've ever done anything remotely illegal. I think I was just hyper focused on redeeming myself, which isn't all that bad of a way to be thinking. The option to die is still there, but I think I'm getting better at controlling my desire.

 

[Gleysson]

Man. I've been there. The absolute need to be perfect and come through every experience and everything we say. But I'll be honest, if there's a lie that's acceptable is the one where you promise you are going to CTB then don't. It should be a very well premeditated choice and last resort (in my point of view). Flirting with suicide is not wrong, it's not abominable and it's absolutely not ilegal, you shouldn't feel bad for it. It's an obvious train of thought when you feel cornered. It's my guess that everybody here shares this mindset

Nonexitence comes with no obligations. It's absolutely okay to think about it. Considering it mostly always comes with a serious reason, but acting towards it is the ultimate decision. Some hardships in life can be overcome, though. It seems the other people share a similar point of view.

If CTB stays on your mind, but a date, a plan and will to do it no longer comes, embrace it. Live on, see what comes. Maybe you'll be more relaxed when it comes to be perfectly strict after this event. I'm not saying you should go ahead and commit crime and do stupid shit. I just think that extremes are not good to live by. Find your middle ground. One ticket? Fuck it. Money comes and goes.

If suicidality was your safety net, but it seems now that it's starting to not be, embrace it as well. And if you want to find other safety nets. There is a type of "suicide" that relies on vanishing off the map. Go to a place no one knows you, change your name and live on. Maybe this could be your safety net, instead of death. Makes you feel like a spy or a witness protection program individual. Sounds fun. If that's not what you want, maybe changing drastically your life towards what you want. Another job? Another city? Another country? You'll still be yourself, but somewhere else. Every choice in life (or death) comes with hardships. Sometimes we get something we didn't expect and it turns out positive.

And if by any chance you want to live life full commando, no safety nets, just vibes, do it. In this case, if shit goes down the fan, improvise, wiggle your way out. Again, I'm not saying you should do illegal things. Please don't slap a cop. Just start experimenting, who knows, maybe just going by will make you feel more free.

You'll always have CTB as a last resort. Why not try others first?

And if you want to discuss, my PMs are always open! Hope you stay around

 

[Install-Gentoo]

Um... isn't this possibly a good thing? I mean, I understand your thoughts of empowering your actions by seeing suicide as a "safety net" and an alternative that's always available. But frankly, if life isn't bad enough to the point where you think about suicide all the time, it seems like you're on the path to "recovery". I know, I know, people don't want to talk about recovery in the suicide discussion section, but this might be seen as a good thing. Don't force yourself into shitty situations just to make you feel bad enough to think about suicide again, thats just cruel to yourself.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I think that the situation (getting a ticket, and car registration) isn't a real thing that may affect life so much to consider CTB. There are situations that may have a much larger impact on your life and should some of them appear you may have your suicidal thoughts again. This is my opinion.

I also think I can relate to it in some ways bc sometimes I also wish I had more suicidal thoughts in general bc they make me comfortable. It depends on how things are going here, it's a bit like an up and down.

I wish you all the best.

 

[jotoon]

I have same feeling.

I dont want trap in cycle of "fake hope" . this cycle says:"wait . maybe a good thing happen." and you spend 5 month with fake hope and see that nothing change .

Until you alive you can become happy with somethings but this moments are short and fade so fast .

When this cycle repeat you feel doubt in yourself , you trapped !!!!!!!

 

[ArteriesBindEveryon]

Um... isn't this possibly a good thing? I mean, I understand your thoughts of empowering your actions by seeing suicide as a "safety net" and an alternative that's always available. But frankly, if life isn't bad enough to the point where you think about suicide all the time, it seems like you're on the path to "recovery". I know, I know, people don't want to talk about recovery in the suicide discussion section, but this might be seen as a good thing. Don't force yourself into shitty situations just to make you feel bad enough to think about suicide again, thats just cruel to yourself.

It's important to define recovery. Google defines it as "a return to a normal state of health, mind, or strength". I've been contemplating suicide since I was seven and was likely born with depression. For me, being suicidal IS a normal state of mind. I will never lose my capacity for suicide, nor would I want to. But I think I'm beginning to control my suicidal urges to the point where I can save them for when I need them. I can't "recover", but that's because I've never been better.