Venting Im upset and confused

[idontfeelsogood]

Back in november i had unprotected sex with someone and contracted syphilis and possible HIV. I went to the clinic yesterday and got confirmed results. The rapid test came out positive for HIV and I am flustered with emotions. I am waiting on the confirmatory results which should be in 2 weeks to see if it's just a scare. I have already assumed the worst case scenario and I don't think I'd be able to live with myself. I feel so stupid for making a mistake that's going to change everything forever. I've been in bed since yesterday sad but I can't even bring myself to cry.

I've thought about suicide constantly because I feel like I'm going nowhere in life. I drink every night and day whenever I get the chance and receiving yesterdays information is pushing me over the edge. I know HIV is treatable but I don't even want to bother. I literally want to drink my life away and let it eat me up. If it truly is confirmed I might take a quicker route. I'm not sure who to talk to or tell so I guess thats why im here today. I do not want to tell my mom and I am on her health insurance so she will find out eventually. I don't want my family to quarantine me. I don't want my friends to stop hanging out with me.

I just want to start over completely but I'm scared of everything. How I'm going to do it, the process leading up to it, if I'm actually ready. I already thought if I am positive I might as well stop taking the meds and let my liver shit itself. I have a number of health problems due to heavy drinking and I hope something happens soon. I've been looking in here for a peaceful way and I might go the SN route like everyone else. Im just scared and needed to talk to anyone. I know my situation might not be as bad as most of you in here but I don't want to deal with this.

 

[HadEnough1974]

Yes, the results of your hiv test is throwing you over the edge. The bright side is that if you want to die, congratulations, you're hiv positive. If you don't take the meds and continue drinking you will compromise your immune system and hiv will become aids and you will die without treatment. Perhaps, subconsciously, this was your intent in the first place when you were having unprotected sex.

On the other hand, you can address the reasons you're drinking and deal with those issues, get on medication to keep the hiv under control and live your life.

I am truly sorry for what you are going through. It must be difficult.

 

[k75]

I'm so sorry you are going through this. Looking at any chronic illness is devastating, and it's hard to imagine how you're going to live with it. The good news is treatments have come a long way, and HIV is no longer a death sentence. But I also understand the feeling of not even wanting to try. It's hard. You've found the right place, though. Whatever you decide to do, people here will support you.

 

[Lostandfound7]

Hello honey, I can't even imagine how ur feeling right now, given ur uncertain diagnosis. U haven't gotten a def (+) result yet, so there is still a chance that it's (-).

N if in fact u r positive, I will say that today, there r meds that u can take that can help u to live a very long "healthy" life. I have 2 friends who have HIV. The both of them work, one is in school, and they lead very "normal" lives.

I say all that to say, HIV is no longer a death sentence. U can still live a very full life. Many can attest to that..Sending u love n strength..Plz pm me if u need to talk..

 

[Dawgmom]

I'm really sorry. Like the other commenters here, HIV is very treatable these days. So, I don't see that as an issue as much as the way you now perceive yourself. If you turn out positive you're different and have a secret that others might not understand or accept. To me, that seems like the hardest part.

I think everyone does things they regret. Sometimes not right away but eventually. I'd like to validate your regret and say that while it's true that you made a mistake, try not to get caught up in wishing you hadn't. Because if you find out you have HIV you have to take to heart the fact that no matter what, you can't change it.

Try to hang in there until the final results come back. If you have one friend or family member you trust above all others, consider telling them. You need to find support outside of SS. If the results are positive, give yourself some time. A lot of people lose it for a while when they get this kind of news but eventually end up becoming highly successful. Some choose to work helping others with the same illness.

Give yourself some time to process and grieve. (((hugs)))

 

[Soul]

@idontfeelsogood, I'm sorry you're dealing with all this. I know how hard it is waiting for results. Can you get your mind off it by doing something physical like working out or dancing? That's what helped me the most. x

(((hug)))

 

[Quarky00]

Family quarantine you ?

I understand things were not well before , with drinking and emptiness , and now a serious life-changing event made you fearful , horrified and ashamed . I understand that if you'll get treatment it'll have to go through your mother , and that's the big issue here .

You can detail more about your suicidal thoughts before November? :) Maybe some Americans here can solve the insurance / HIV meds issue (I guess it depends on state). If for some bizarre reason mom was okay (I know that's unlikely), would you have tried living a bit longer?

 

[S1mpleme]

Back in november i had unprotected sex with someone and contracted syphilis and possible HIV. I went to the clinic yesterday and got confirmed results. The rapid test came out positive for HIV and I am flustered with emotions. I am waiting on the confirmatory results which should be in 2 weeks to see if it's just a scare. I have already assumed the worst case scenario and I don't think I'd be able to live with myself. I feel so stupid for making a mistake that's going to change everything forever. I've been in bed since yesterday sad but I can't even bring myself to cry.

I've thought about suicide constantly because I feel like I'm going nowhere in life. I drink every night and day whenever I get the chance and receiving yesterdays information is pushing me over the edge. I know HIV is treatable but I don't even want to bother. I literally want to drink my life away and let it eat me up. If it truly is confirmed I might take a quicker route. I'm not sure who to talk to or tell so I guess thats why im here today. I do not want to tell my mom and I am on her health insurance so she will find out eventually. I don't want my family to quarantine me. I don't want my friends to stop hanging out with me.

I just want to start over completely but I'm scared of everything. How I'm going to do it, the process leading up to it, if I'm actually ready. I already thought if I am positive I might as well stop taking the meds and let my liver shit itself. I have a number of health problems due to heavy drinking and I hope something happens soon. I've been looking in here for a peaceful way and I might go the SN route like everyone else. Im just scared and needed to talk to anyone. I know my situation might not be as bad as most of you in here but I don't want to deal with this.

In this case I think there are 2 ways - fight for yourself till the end or give up now and go peacefully. This what I would do.

 

[idontfeelsogood]

Thanks everyone for the replies. I picked up an extra shift at work to try and keep myself busy but now that I am back home I cannot think of anything else. @Quarky00 before this diagnosis i've always felt a little off living with family being the alcoholic with no responsibilities. I've been in college for the past 5-6 years because I don't feel motivation to do anything. I really wish I knew where I fell off and why I ended up like this. If I lived with my dad I know things would be a lot worse. I love my mom but I know for a fact that I went from being a pretty good child to a disappointment quickly. I am constantly compared to other family members and friends (a few of which are mentally challenged and are in college as well) and it makes me feel worse about myself. But even then I don't want to change or try. I've told my mom before I've always wanted to kill myself and she just laughs. It's weird because my grandma says shes ready to die as well. I didn't plan on dying before my mother or my grandmother but it might just happen. I plan to go back to therapy soon and hopefully that'll make me feel a lot better. In the meantime I practically have no one to talk to this about with.