i'm trying too hard to make a "last day" feel good

[monetpompo]

a last day doesn't need to be anything. i don't need to go out or have fun or talk to anybody. i've been very lethargic in the days leading up to my suicide. i mostly sleep and think about death. i don't really want to do anything but sleep. i can't help but feel like i burden everybody. i've been having a lot of daydreams of what my life would be like if things were even a little different and i didn't spend most of my childhood wanting to lay in bed because i had no will to do anything. a part of me wants to download grindr again to ask someone on the app to hug me, but i think that'll make me feel more lonely. i'll probably end up talking about suicide if i meet up with anybody. i don't really have anyone in my life that would drive over to my house just to see me. everyone lives too far away these days and i'm not really worth the effort.

i'm scared of doing anything that makes me feel good since i won't be able to do it again. also, i don't want to go out and spend money lol. i really hate how people expect me to feel better by just buying stuff or buying food at a restaurant. i usually just eat the same food every day at home because i don't have a job. sometimes i like ordering mcdonalds to feel better, but i know it's still a waste of money.