Venting I'm totally fine and I still want to kms.

[H0110W]

You know, I got my antidepressant increased a bit, and it's probably working again I guess. I feel pretty fine actually, I'm not anxious or depressed or anything anymore, I'm just a bit apathetic but other than that I feel just fine, I am calm and rational, and I still want to kms soon. When I was depressed I was confused and I had a lot of sadness, mental fog and uncertainty, the antidepressant has removed that darkness from my thoughts, and if anything, I know even more clearly that I have to get out soon. I can see with total clarity that it's over for me. I have failed at life and my situation cannot be recovered. I am just sick of living, I am 30+ years old, soon I'll be closer to 40 than to 30. The thought of living like this at 40 scares me shitless.

I have failed at life and my situation while not 100% hopeless is just not worth living for. I just don't have the strength to make an effort, I am scared of getting old. Youth is the greatest gift in this life and I wasted it completely on video games and being a recluse. Maybe it is my fault, maybe it isn't, maybe I should have tried therapy sooner, maybe if I wasn't bullied at school I could have had higher self esteem, maybe maybe maybe. It doesn't matter anymore, because the truth of the matter is that it's over for me. I'll do it soon, everything is ready.

 

[seaweaves]

Support to you in these feelings. I know for me, sometimes the days I feel like everything is fine are the hardest ones, both because (a) it sets out other times in such stark contrast that it makes them that much harder to grapple with, and at the same time (b) makes me feel like I've been an overreacting poser, that my depression, trauma, and struggles generally are overplayed, and/or I don't deserve that "fineness" and should just ctb, etc. All this in addition to the clarity you mention that can come with things being fine. I don't mean to suggest this is all the same for you, but just wanted to affirm that things being fine can definitely tie into suicidality, at least for me.

 

[brutalus]

hello i feel a lot like you. theres no great joy or great sadness in my life. i will never be rich but i get by, i will never find a wife, but i can afford hookers, nobody hates me and i dont hate anything or anyone. is this life worth living? would i feel better if i had a great enemy to fight against?

 

[Wojaczek]

I have failed at life and my situation while not 100% hopeless is just not worth living for. I just don't have the strength to make an effort

I feel this so much, im just too tired to do anything, i cannot hold down a job at all and never will. I will probably quit school because i see no point in continuing. Its a fucking hopeless existance

 

[FuneralCry]

I am also extremely tired of being alive and my life is not worth living. In the case of my life wanting to die is perfectly rational. The thought of death is comforting. Ctb will prevent a lot of suffering for me and it is the only thing that makes sense. I understand it is hard to carry on when you have had enough. I hope you find the peace you are looking for.

 

[ChobaniFlipSmores]

Which antidepressant? I forgot to refill my Wellbutrin prescription and went without it for 3 days and during that time my suicidal ideation almost completely went away. I still have issues with my mental health, but they are more manageable.

 

[brutalus]

Which antidepressant? I forgot to refill my Wellbutrin prescription and went without it for 3 days and during that time my suicidal ideation almost completely went away. I still have issues with my mental health, but they are more manageable.

this is surprising! i get the opposite effect. if i stop taking sertraline, my suicidal ideation goes through the roof :(