I'm torn between life and death.

[LikeAPendulum]

I'm due back for college soon.
I'm torn between CTB or recovery. My mind has been fighting itself over this.
I want to live, ever curious of the future, and yet I remember the mental torment and misery I faced last year. I remember being driven to order SN, and being so close and so ready to do it, and yet by coincidence, the shipment got fumbled and by the time it arrived, those feelings had evaporated.

For 5 long years I've been in this cycle: Being so desperate and so close to dying, but then I chicken out of it, or I feel better, before life throws another brick at me that makes me wonder if I should've CTB'ed months ago.

There was a study done where researchers put lab rats into beakers of water to see how long they could swim before they drowned. They didn't last an hour, but when the researchers plucked them out before they drown, and gave them food, water, and rest, They'd survive up to 48 hours when put back in the water, all because they'd push themselves for the next rescue.

I wish I could be plucked out from life right now and be treated to some well-needed therapy.

 

[maybunni]

Does your college offer counselling sessions for free/ lower cost as a student? I have found my university's counselling sessions to be helpful sometimes!

Edit: although be warned that they can and will call authorities if you mention suicidal ideation, I learnt that the hard way.

 

[LikeAPendulum]

Does your college offer counselling sessions for free/ lower cost as a student? I have found my university's counselling sessions to be helpful sometimes!

Edit: although be warned that they can and will call authorities if you mention suicidal ideation, I learnt that the hard way.

That's my concern. I remember my early HS years being repeat counselor visits after I chickened out and told them about everything.

My mother always told me that therapy is a scam. Is she right?

 

[maybunni]

Depends, what do you mean by a scam? Funny enough, my parents have said that to me before.

I think i saw you asked what therapy is like through college?
If you seek counselling through your college/ university, it's likely someone who's a provisional psychologist, it's like their doing on-field experience before they can graduate OR a fully license psychologist. The first option, I don't particularly recommend. Although they're under supervision by a licensed psychologist, they can give the most out of pocket advice (from the experience of my close friend). But I guess that's why those tend to be cheaper/ free for students.

Either way, both focus mainly on CTB which is basically talk therapy. I think that's the most they can do. I think they're a good outlet to vent to and talk through what's contributing to my suicidal ideation. Although I just don't mention that part that it's making me suicidal, just "stressed". It's like tip-toeing the line so they aren't forced to call the authorities if they think you're in danger while also having your feelings/ issues heard. If its any reassurance, I'm able to bring up self harm with my psychologist without too much concern, even when I relapse. We talk about how to mitigate it/ what triggered it etc.
Is there any specific questions that you have about it?

 

[LikeAPendulum]

Is there any specific questions that you have about it?

Looks like you answered them all.

Maybe suicide is still an option if college therapy will be like that.

 

[DarkFriend.]

I feel you on being torn.

The way I see it is that this world will kill me at some point either way, whether I rush it or not, so I may as well throw the dice and see what comes up. It sounds like you too derive some comfort from idealizing CTB. Sometimes it seems it's all the solace we've got.

I know that it's easier said than done, but if a part of you wants to live and is curious about the future, why not try pressing on?

You can always CTB later--and you never know, the universe just might decide to take you out first and save you the trouble.

 

[maybunni]

Looks like you answered them all.

Maybe suicide is still an option if college therapy will be like that.

fr fr I understand that. I'm honestly trying to give it one more shot while continueing to plan my method of ctb so that if it doesn't work out in the end, I'm ready to just ctb.

 

[LikeAPendulum]

I can't help but joke that saying suicide in a therapy session is like saying bomb in an airport