I REALLY DON'T WANT TO CAUSE MY MUM ANY PAIN & I KNOW SHE WILL LIKELY NEVER RECOVER. SHE TOOK HER FATHER'S PASSING PRETTY HARD. I KNOW YOU GUYS ON SS ARE PART OF A COMMUNITY. BUT, IS THE GOODWILL OF A FEW PEOPLE ONLINE WORTH HURTING MY PARENTS FOREVER? ALSO, I'M BUSY APPLYING FOR JOBS AND I THINK IF I APPLY TO ENOUGH PLACES, I WILL EVENTUALLY BE ACCEPTED SOMEWHERE.
BTW: I HAVE ANXIETY, CLINICAL DEPRESSION AND POSSIBLE BPD!
I understand your feelings completely. None of us want to hurt others with our decision.
That's the hardest part of suicide.
We understand our quality of life, we just want to be at peace and from the bottom of our hearts and with every fiber of our being we want those we love to understand that this was our choice, for them to find peace in that, to heal, to not hurt over our decision, to accept our decision and to live full lives.
It's hard and it hurts so much.
I don't know how dire your situation is. I don't know the depth of your pain or how long that you've been struggling with this or how many times you've tried to regain your health.
Simply telling you to wait because you're having doubts is hard because it's not as if you can simply put your anguish and desire to leave this existence on hold. That's with you every day.
If you think you can make a commitment to recovery and a commitment to your psychological health then try.
I don't how hard that would be for you but if you think you can try to get out of this darkness then please make time for yourself and your mental health.
I don't know if you and your mother are close or what the dynamics of your relationship are. It would be nice if you could receive comfort from her and confide in her, without telling her you want to die, that you're not well and in a lot of pain and that you don't expect her to solve your problems because you're working on your problems and that her support and understanding would mean a lot right now.
I'm so sorry that you're caught between one terrible rock and one terrible hard place.
