He dumped me because I told him he should apologize for saying something extremely hateful to me because it was "too controlling"
Ah, the narc discard for demanding accountability, and the accompanying projection. Not saying he was necessarily a full-on narc, but some people have narcissism as an integral part of how they function in certain relationships. My mother was like that with those closest to her, but not with everyone. When I finally demanded accountability for the decades of abuse, I was discarded because of her projection that she was tired of the blame games -- I was always the scapegoat.
I think the challenge is finding folks who participate in reciprocal kindness or, really, awareness of others as well as the self, and if that's possible to find, it's easier to do so once one has strong self-worth, has earned their own self-respect, and has the boundaries that match. I honestly don't know if it's possible to reach that point and then find similar others. It seems like so few people have that, so I either have to be alone and isolated, or give up my self and my boundaries in order to be close to anyone, and then go back to the same intolerable patterns, go back into the same rejections of reality and try to function in shared delusions. It seems like every social order functions on toxicity and dominant delusions, and hates self-worth, self-respect, mutual awareness of vulnerability, and healthy boundaries. Anyone who has these things gets ostracized.
I have empathy for your frustration and pain. I wish I had a way to fix it for you and everyone else, too.
