I'm tired of fighting

[itsallover]

Every morning I wake up and take my antibiotic as part of a long term antibiotic treatment and hope for the best that day, but it just never comes. Today my mother who I rely on to get by told me she doesn't feel well. She has a problem with her nervous system so she takes painkillers frequently. To be honest, of course Im scared for my mother's health, but at the end of the day if she goes then I go. It has been almost five years of me fighting to get better and being on disability and if something happens to her then Im going out too. Not simply because I rely on her, but our bond is so close that I would completely break down not having her there. I didn't survive a serious attempt just to come back to the illness and then lose the closest person I have in my life. Im gonna go to the doctor and say that I am throwing up from the antibiotics which Im not and get the meto to keep down the SN. I don't even know how I'm going to hide the SN and have to be very careful she doesn't see it. I don't know why life has to be so cruel as even in your darkest moments people are still assholes like shitty staff that were in the ICU making derogatory comments towards me. I need a fullproof method and because I can't buy a gun because of my mental health history that's all I can do. I hope she is okay but either way I am not gonna end up in the streets completely alone. I had a degree and a good job until a medical malpractice that fell through in the courts as I have come to hate life and don't care about anything anymore. Nice guys do finish last because they open up themselves to just get absolutely fucked. Is anybody in a similar situation where they have lost the will to fight?

 

[whywere]

HI @can'tdecide . 1st off you and me are alot alike in so far as I was in a nasty car crash, not my fault, the other person ran a stop sign, and I have 24/7 chronic pain. Now I do use pain meds on a daily bases and same as you, I have a degree and had a great job, till covid came along and I got laid off last year. My heart and also way down my soul aches for you. Having had some of the same experiences as you, I am sending you love, support and empathy. We as a global family look out for each and every person here no exception. I have lost the will, have had 2 attempts so far, BUT,BUT after finding Sanctioned Suicide and the GREAT family here, I find the support and love that I need to continue and that is my wish to you. Another wish from me to you is a sunny day at the beach, nice trade wind blowing over you and a very nice cold drink in hand. All the best to you @can'tdecide!!! Walter

 

[sorella santini]

Yes, I can very much relate. I also feel life is cruel and unfair. This will be year 8 for me struggling with chronic illness. There are days where I can accept it and get through without tears. But many days I cry, sometimes twice a day. Those are the days I have lost my will to fight.

I hope you can continue your meds and try to get well. There are days where that is my mindset. I don't really want to ctb, but I know I cannot live this way forever. I recently purchased SN as well and keep thinking about getting a prescription for an AE. It's the only barrier now.

 

[WornOutLife]

I'm sorry to hear you've lost the will to fight. We really see no way out when that happens.
Hope things get better how,

Send you lots of good karma.

 

[the_final_countdown]

I lost the will to fight too. I'm so angry I can't just kill myself.

Every moment is suffering. Why is this so hard?

I have everything I need. I'll pass out and call it a life.

 

[booray]

I too have lost the will to fight. I haven't been able to find work for nearly two years now since my arrest, which was covered on the evening news, including the disclosure of embarrassing details and private health information. Its Fox News, so I would expect no less from them than to make the story as salacious and titillating as possible. I was acquitted btw, but they didn't bother to report that because that wouldn't make for good tv ratings. Now, that story has been sitting out on the internet ever since and is the first thing that pops up when you google my very uncommon name. This in spite of my attempts to get the story removed that have cost me considerably. This situation has exacerbated my already fragile mental health and caused me to slide into a deep depression that is resistant to treatment. On top of that, I have developed anxiety so bad that I embarrass myself whenever I'm out in public. Living like this is absolutely draining and I just don't have the energy to fight a major corporation that has the power over my ability to find employment. I've drawn my line in the sand - either that story gets deleted or I do. I'm simply not going to live the rest of my life dealing with the shame of this intolerable situation. I would rather be dead.

 

[OpheliasFlowers]

I won't take up space here and go into all the details but wow, you and I have a LOT in common in terms of circumstances. I'm sorry you are dealing with so much. :( Life really truly is unfair and cruel.

I will say I've been coping with chronic illness most of my life, and especially since the mid 90s and on and it's only gotten progressively worse and harder to cope. Especially after the death of my mom 7 years ago. She was really my only friend and grounded me emotionally (or as much as anyone could/can). Losing her has definitely made me lose whatever will to keep on trying to fight. I'm so tired. I've pretty much given up on doctors in regards to all my physical issues because they're ultimately no help, and like you I've been treated badly and condescendingly enough times by them to just not want to deal with that at all anymore. I also barely bother to bathe (gross, I know) these days and just brushing my teeth (not an every day thing anymore) is exhausting. EVERYTHING is exhausting and seems pointless now. And the thing is....I just don't even care how disgusting I am. I mean, I do care enough to feel like the disgusting thing I am now, but can't summon the will or desire or energy to push through the physical pain to do those things. I am tired of being in pain, and trying new doctors and medications that do nothing (or cause more issues due to side effects) and nothing ever improving in ALL this time. I wish every day I'll just drop dead. So I really relate to so much of what you wrote and I'm sorry that you are in the dark place you are. I wish you peace.

 

[itsallover]

I won't take up space here and go into all the details but wow, you and I have a LOT in common in terms of circumstances. I'm sorry you are dealing with so much. :( Life really truly is unfair and cruel.

I will say I've been coping with chronic illness most of my life, and especially since the mid 90s and on and it's only gotten progressively worse and harder to cope. Especially after the death of my mom 7 years ago. She was really my only friend and grounded me emotionally (or as much as anyone could/can). Losing her has definitely made me lose whatever will to keep on trying to fight. I'm so tired. I've pretty much given up on doctors in regards to all my physical issues because they're ultimately no help, and like you I've been treated badly and condescendingly enough times by them to just not want to deal with that at all anymore. I also barely bother to bathe (gross, I know) these days and just brushing my teeth (not an every day thing anymore) is exhausting. EVERYTHING is exhausting and seems pointless now. And the thing is....I just don't even care how disgusting I am. I mean, I do care enough to feel like the disgusting thing I am now, but can't summon the will or desire or energy to push through the physical pain to do those things. I am tired of being in pain, and trying new doctors and medications that do nothing (or cause more issues due to side effects) and nothing ever improving in ALL this time. I wish every day I'll just drop dead. So I really relate to so much of what you wrote and I'm sorry that you are in the dark place you are. I wish you peace.

I don't really take care of myself anymore either, but my mom is kind of crazy when it comes to cleanliness like I can't even leave a plate out, but I really just don't give a fuck. Last time I tried to off myself she started with me and left after threatening I'll never come back so that along with the doctors not giving a fuck was enough for me to swallow multiple bottles. I'm on a really thin edge as a few weeks of something is enough to drive you crazy and even despondent let alone a few years.

 

[OpheliasFlowers]

I don't really take care of myself anymore either, but my mom is kind of crazy when it comes to cleanliness like I can't even leave a plate out, but I really just don't give a fuck. Last time I tried to off myself she started with me and left after threatening I'll never come back so that along with the doctors not giving a fuck was enough for me to swallow multiple bottles. I'm on a really thin edge as a few weeks of something is enough to drive you crazy and even despondent let alone a few years.

I'm sorry your mom is like that. :( Although I sort of wish I had someone to be on my case about being cleaner...I feel like an adult child that needs to ordered about a bit, which I think is just because I feel so overwhelmed and tired of life that I want someone else to be in control because clearly I've done a crap job of running my own life. But then too, I'd probably get angry with someone being 'in charge' of me after a few days of it. sigh

I understand what you mean about feeling despondent. Oh and also about the shitty doctors who don't care. Going through that right now too so I relate.

Again, I'm so sorry you're going through all that you are. It isn't fair. <3