Venting I'm tired of everything making me sad (grief)

[MissYouBoobaloo]

Long story short my relatively young (m/m) partner passed away after a long battle with cancer. He was my first love, my best friend, and we entered into a relationship when I was already close to my 30s. Losing him has completely gutted my will to live, we were both chronically online creatures so basically every form of media / videogame / activity comes with a gut punch of grief and I can't distract myself, it's been over a month.

I used to be depressed before I met him, feeling like a loveless loser who was going to enter his 30s a virgin, but he showed me true love and compassion and kindness, and then the universe decided to give him a cancer that would slowly eat away at him over a year until his untimely death. Now I'm supposed to carry on somehow? There's no one in this world that will fit me like he did, and I'm not particularly interested in going back to my old loner lifestyle.

It's not like i haven't been trying, I've made some new friends and new connections I would have never made before, in a desperate attempt to fill some of the huge void his absence left in my life. My partner told me, with his own words, that if he died he wouldn't want it to kill me, personality or body. I'm trying so hard for you, babe. This is so tough, every night I go to sleep and I wish to not wake up so I can maybe have the off chance of being back with you in the afterlife. I'm seeking out grief therapy and I've been taking care of my physical health the best I ever have, trying to find some sense of purpose.

I've had a lot of depression and SI in my life, but this has been the worst it's ever been, and it's not even my fault this time. I feel like a genuinely broken human soul. The universe has told me that my happiness cannot be tolerated under no uncertain terms. Why did he have to go? He went through so fucking much to try and be alive with me, but the doctors and the medical system failed him tremendously. It's incredibly fucked up.

I may have ordered some SN as I've been researching ways to CTB. I don't know if I intend to actually follow through with it, people say that grief gets easier over time. I just don't wanna be here anymore without him. Everything hurts. I feel like i have love left to give, life left to live, but I don't wanna be going through this pain anymore. There's nothing that can be done about it. One of the biggest things keeping me from doing it immediately is I know how devastated my family and small group of friends would be.

Anyways that's my rant, thanks for reading if you did. It's a lot of stuff that I'm scared to say anywhere else cause I can't afford to take a grippy sock vacation right now, even though it would probably be good for me to disconnect for a while.

 

[ForgottenAgain]

I'm so sorry for your loss, that is really revolting...
I don't know if it gets easier, I think one just starts to forget things about the person that died and so you have less stimuli to make you sad. I think that's how I've put it.

I lost my mom 17 years ago, if I think about it I still cry a lot but I'm now at a point where I don't remember her voice or her mannerisms and so I'm able to get on with the rest of my day.

I think death of someone close is a big thing in one's life and you'll always be a different person afterwards.

 

[MissYouBoobaloo]

I'm so sorry for your loss, that is really revolting...
I don't know if it gets easier, I think one just starts to forget things about the person that died and so you have less stimuli to make you sad. I think that's how I've put it.

I lost my mom 17 years ago, if I think about it I still cry a lot but I'm now at a point where I don't remember her voice or her mannerisms and so I'm able to get on with the rest of my day.

I think death of someone close is a big thing in one's life and you'll always be a different person afterwards.

I lost my father 7 years ago and my grandmother 4 years ago, so I'm no stranger to grief. This however has been the toughest, I've barely been able to carry on with my life. I miss the future I'll never get to have with him, there are so many things that I see coming out or upcoming that I know he would have loved to experience, and I have a feeling that will never change. I was never good at making deep connections with people, but he was the one exception and we were basically made for each other. Even if I can somehow start to make that connection with another person, I feel like I'll always be tainted by this intense grief and I'll end up scaring/pushing them away because he will always be on my mind. Being an LGBT widower in their 30s feels like a social death sentence.

 

[Worndown]

We have not been flooded with overly happy or optimistic news lately. Look for the small things that might bring you joy.

 

[MissYouBoobaloo]

We have not been flooded with overly happy or optimistic news lately. Look for the small things that might bring you joy.

Thanks, I am trying. One hour at a time :(

 

[FuneralCry]

I imagine that must be so painful, it truly is so cruel to me how there's all this suffering in existing. But anyway I wish you the best.

 

[CatLove56]

I'm so sorry for your loss. My only suggestion is joining a support group and meet like minded people that way. People who completely get what you're going through. Easier said than done I know. I'm sure your partner would want you to keep living and meet someone else. Hang in there honey

 

[ForgottenAgain]

I lost my father 7 years ago and my grandmother 4 years ago, so I'm no stranger to grief. This however has been the toughest, I've barely been able to carry on with my life. I miss the future I'll never get to have with him, there are so many things that I see coming out or upcoming that I know he would have loved to experience, and I have a feeling that will never change. I was never good at making deep connections with people, but he was the one exception and we were basically made for each other. Even if I can somehow start to make that connection with another person, I feel like I'll always be tainted by this intense grief and I'll end up scaring/pushing them away because he will always be on my mind. Being an LGBT widower in their 30s feels like a social death sentence.

I'm sorry you went through that, quite a bit of deaths in your life...

I think some deaths are definitely harder than others, losing your partner is just a very deep cut. When you mention missing the experiences you'll never have with him, it's very similar to what I feel when I think of my mother, can't imagine how it must feel like when it's your partner.

It will definitely take quite some time for things to improve, then opening your heart to someone else in the future and potentially comparing that relationship with the one you lost, that's another emotional hurdle to navigate. It's hard not to think about that now, I understand that.

I'm so sorry, I wish I had a solution or some steps to take that would help to navigate this situation... I don't even know if I processed my grief well let alone helping others with theirs.

Have you done therapy for that in the past or is it something you would consider now?
I have mixed feelings around it and always like to know what people think.

 

[CTB Dream]

Long story short my relatively young (m/m) partner passed away after a long battle with cancer. He was my first love, my best friend, and we entered into a relationship when I was already close to my 30s. Losing him has completely gutted my will to live, we were both chronically online creatures so basically every form of media / videogame / activity comes with a gut punch of grief and I can't distract myself, it's been over a month.

I used to be depressed before I met him, feeling like a loveless loser who was going to enter his 30s a virgin, but he showed me true love and compassion and kindness, and then the universe decided to give him a cancer that would slowly eat away at him over a year until his untimely death. Now I'm supposed to carry on somehow? There's no one in this world that will fit me like he did, and I'm not particularly interested in going back to my old loner lifestyle.

It's not like i haven't been trying, I've made some new friends and new connections I would have never made before, in a desperate attempt to fill some of the huge void his absence left in my life. My partner told me, with his own words, that if he died he wouldn't want it to kill me, personality or body. I'm trying so hard for you, babe. This is so tough, every night I go to sleep and I wish to not wake up so I can maybe have the off chance of being back with you in the afterlife. I'm seeking out grief therapy and I've been taking care of my physical health the best I ever have, trying to find some sense of purpose.

I've had a lot of depression and SI in my life, but this has been the worst it's ever been, and it's not even my fault this time. I feel like a genuinely broken human soul. The universe has told me that my happiness cannot be tolerated under no uncertain terms. Why did he have to go? He went through so fucking much to try and be alive with me, but the doctors and the medical system failed him tremendously. It's incredibly fucked up.

I may have ordered some SN as I've been researching ways to CTB. I don't know if I intend to actually follow through with it, people say that grief gets easier over time. I just don't wanna be here anymore without him. Everything hurts. I feel like i have love left to give, life left to live, but I don't wanna be going through this pain anymore. There's nothing that can be done about it. One of the biggest things keeping me from doing it immediately is I know how devastated my family and small group of friends would be.

Anyways that's my rant, thanks for reading if you did. It's a lot of stuff that I'm scared to say anywhere else cause I can't afford to take a grippy sock vacation right now, even though it would probably be good for me to disconnect for a while.

V sry rly sad this life cncpt all lose, this ppl love ppl mmry this part brain this ppl no undrstd time mov mov dtriort make pain sffr, lose ppl lose all this rly sad this rly pain sffr v sry hpn v sry exp

I'm so sorry for your loss, that is really revolting...
I don't know if it gets easier, I think one just starts to forget things about the person that died and so you have less stimuli to make you sad. I think that's how I've put it.

I lost my mom 17 years ago, if I think about it I still cry a lot but I'm now at a point where I don't remember her voice or her mannerisms and so I'm able to get on with the rest of my day.

I think death of someone close is a big thing in one's life and you'll always be a different person afterwards.

V sry, this rly sad lose mom, ya this dtriort brain make frgt this no ok this brain die this cruel rlty, me want frnd bfr injury damage now no know me lose all, me want talk girl this hpn aftr injury damage no able talk hed hvy dwn no see no word out, keep cry keep cry keep cry no able time travle no able do any

This rly cruel life this prsn die = part brain die, anythng lose = part brain lose, all all,
see how many ppl die how many ppl lose thing lose hpne wat brain hpne wat prsn,
this resn see life all wrng bio wrng, prsn lose time move move lose brain, life cntrdct unvrs ,all pain sffr no stop

 

[MissYouBoobaloo]

I'm sorry you went through that, quite a bit of deaths in your life...

I think some deaths are definitely harder than others, losing your partner is just a very deep cut. When you mention missing the experiences you'll never have with him, it's very similar to what I feel when I think of my mother, can't imagine how it must feel like when it's your partner.

It will definitely take quite some time for things to improve, then opening your heart to someone else in the future and potentially comparing that relationship with the one you lost, that's another emotional hurdle to navigate. It's hard not to think about that now, I understand that.

I'm so sorry, I wish I had a solution or some steps to take that would help to navigate this situation... I don't even know if I processed my grief well let alone helping others with theirs.

Have you done therapy for that in the past or is it something you would consider now?
I have mixed feelings around it and always like to know what people think.

I haven't done therapy before, but I do have a psychiatrist I see for other things. She's been very helpful, but there aren't really any answers to "how to deal with grief" other than time. I think I'm just looking for someone to talk to who will listen to my whole story front to back who hasn't been affected by his death, and just reassure some of my feelings and challenge some of the more self-destructive ones. The therapy is through the local hospice so it's free, and I'm sure they see a LOT of different people come through.

I think the hardest part of all this was that he was my safe space, a person I could undoubtedly be my whole, true self around. I didn't do a very good job of making friends other than the ones he had, so the few I do have are all grieving just as hard because they knew him for much longer than I did. I don't want to burden them any harder by dumping my true dark thoughts onto them, which is probably why I've been trying to hard to reach out over the internet. I've made one friend who is going through a similar situation as me, and we've been able to share a lot of our struggles with each other and that's been pretty nice.

Honestly the way my partner and I met, the way we built up our relationship over time, and the incredible joy I felt when we became a couple, I feel, can never be replicated. His loss hits me so deeply and so painfully, as well as thinking about the year long battle to get him healthy again. It's no wonder I want to just leave this earth to be with him, I can't even imagine a future that doesn't have him in it. It's only been getting more painful as time goes on, but I know from reading other people's experience with this kind of loss that it just does for a while. I'm just scared of my own thoughts about CTB. I'm definitely going to try and hold out long enough to see some of this therapy through, I went through the effort of getting it set up anyways.

Sorry for the ramble, my brain's all over the place recently but it's nice to just rant words on the page.

 

[TenThousandTrees]

I don't have much to say but this is heartbreaking to read and I am so sorry for your pain. As a fellow gay person I understand how hard it can be to forge a real romantic connection with someone. I hope you can find peace one way or the other.

 

[tankapi]

I'm so sorry. I can relate to what you're going through and wish I could send comfort somehow.