melancholyxx
New Member
- Mar 23, 2023
- 4
The past few months have been all over the place for me. I finally left that abusive jerk and I'm ' studying ' now. I'm not back in school. Rather, I'm studying with the help of this education center so I can get into a good college. It all seems so well. I've made new friends, I'm studying again, I'm not starving myself as much as I used to. But all this progress feels so shallow to me. Truth be told, I don't want it. I don't want any of this at all. I know I'm a brat for whining about the good things. I feel horrible for not feeling happy. The friends I've made are fun. They're around my age but they have normal lives. None of them could understand a speck of any of the bullshit I've been through. What I'm saying is the connection or bond I share with them is extremely shallow. We hang out, we have fun but at the end of the day, I'm still alone. They couldn't handle all the bullshit baggage. Moving on from my abusive ex has been difficult. I hate him. I despise him for all he's done and I haven't been thinking about him much recently. I guess tonight is just one of those nights where everything is buttfucking me in the head? I experienced ' the one that got away ' recent;y. I met this guy and we clicked instantly. We opened up about everything to each other. We kissed, we had sex, it was great. Everything about him was amazing but it was the perfect person just at the wrong time. He's not in my life now and that's that. I can't force him to stay. I feel incredibly alone. I've been eating more now. Comfort food makes me happy. I'm still extremely underweight so eating anything really is a good thing but fuck does it feel gross after a while. I feel so unhygenic(?) Gross(?) I want to eat healthier but it's so much work and everytime I try to cook something I end up spiraling because fire horrifies me because reasons. I haven't cut in a few days now. That's me going strong. It's getting quite warm now and I despise being sweaty. Not to mention I do freelance modeling so I'll be showing skin more. Because of that, the guilt and shame that comes after cutting just amplifies and I hate that. I hate this situation. I hate going outside and going to class but I hate staying at home and doing nothing like a lazy pathetic girl. I hate going out and having to act like a regular student when I'm extremely struggling with my studies. I hate having to see my mother's face everyday and having to deal with her constant bullshit about how she ' saved me ' from my ex when all she did was allow me to live with her again.
Found out recently that the same ex I've been talking about lied about a lot of shit. I feel like such a fool. I hate how I'm talking about all my issues. He said to me a while back that in every story, I'm always the victim and that I could never not be the victim. That's not true. But because of that, I feel like a becoming-the-victim-obsessed attention seeker anytime I even think about venting at all. Even on my diary. I hate how I can't even feel my feelings without him ruining it somehow. My mom's gone back to her old ways. I can't say I'm surprised. Addiction runs in our family after all. At least I'm out of the house a lot more so by the time I get home, she's usually already passed out or not home at all. It exchausts me being out all day everyday but hey I'd rather that than have to deal with her bs. I almost killed myself a few days ago. Got drunk on the roof the night that I lost ' the one that got away ' ( Calling him Mr. TOTGA ) for short. Went to the rooftop we first kissed on and really, really wanted to jump off but that's fucking horrifying. I remember struggling get myself onto the edge of the rooftop and looking down, freaking out and immediately falling back onto the rooftop floor and sobbing. I was so scared I nearly pissed myself. Genuinely.
This vent is a mess. Then again, it IS a vent so it's not like it had to be properly formatted anyway. But I feel like if I don't elaborate enough then I'll just be sounding like another exaggerating whiney attention seeker. I'm just not bothered to give the backstory to every single thing. Well that and I'm also terrified at the extremely tiny chance that someone will recognize me through me being on this website. It's almost 2 am. I have class tomorrow so I should head to bed. I know I should. I need to sleep or I'll be even more mopey tomorrow. I have a hangout with some friends too but I'm wide awake. All I can think about is love. I want to be loved so bad. I want to be craved. I want to be wanted. I want to love and be loved back. Maybe that's why I'm thinking about my ex? Because he stayed for so long and we did have our good moments. Mr. TOTGA too but he was so much better. It's just that my story with him was so short. I'll conclude my vent to here for now. My back hurts sincde I'm typing this all on my laptop. I'll probably be scrolling on this website more and trying to figure out how it works lolol. I don't know if anyone will even end up reading this but that's okay. Just knowing that this place exists is enough for me. Goodnight(?) I'll probably end up staying up all night who knows.
Found out recently that the same ex I've been talking about lied about a lot of shit. I feel like such a fool. I hate how I'm talking about all my issues. He said to me a while back that in every story, I'm always the victim and that I could never not be the victim. That's not true. But because of that, I feel like a becoming-the-victim-obsessed attention seeker anytime I even think about venting at all. Even on my diary. I hate how I can't even feel my feelings without him ruining it somehow. My mom's gone back to her old ways. I can't say I'm surprised. Addiction runs in our family after all. At least I'm out of the house a lot more so by the time I get home, she's usually already passed out or not home at all. It exchausts me being out all day everyday but hey I'd rather that than have to deal with her bs. I almost killed myself a few days ago. Got drunk on the roof the night that I lost ' the one that got away ' ( Calling him Mr. TOTGA ) for short. Went to the rooftop we first kissed on and really, really wanted to jump off but that's fucking horrifying. I remember struggling get myself onto the edge of the rooftop and looking down, freaking out and immediately falling back onto the rooftop floor and sobbing. I was so scared I nearly pissed myself. Genuinely.
This vent is a mess. Then again, it IS a vent so it's not like it had to be properly formatted anyway. But I feel like if I don't elaborate enough then I'll just be sounding like another exaggerating whiney attention seeker. I'm just not bothered to give the backstory to every single thing. Well that and I'm also terrified at the extremely tiny chance that someone will recognize me through me being on this website. It's almost 2 am. I have class tomorrow so I should head to bed. I know I should. I need to sleep or I'll be even more mopey tomorrow. I have a hangout with some friends too but I'm wide awake. All I can think about is love. I want to be loved so bad. I want to be craved. I want to be wanted. I want to love and be loved back. Maybe that's why I'm thinking about my ex? Because he stayed for so long and we did have our good moments. Mr. TOTGA too but he was so much better. It's just that my story with him was so short. I'll conclude my vent to here for now. My back hurts sincde I'm typing this all on my laptop. I'll probably be scrolling on this website more and trying to figure out how it works lolol. I don't know if anyone will even end up reading this but that's okay. Just knowing that this place exists is enough for me. Goodnight(?) I'll probably end up staying up all night who knows.
