Im stuck between wanting to CTB and wanting to Recover and its just hell, i dont know what to do. what would be your advice for me?

[HermitLonerGuy]

last week i made the choice to recover then few days later i got back suicidal again.
Then some days i wana recover, some days i wana seriously die and some days i just dont care either way.
Im just sick of flip flopping all the time, this is like a bipolar suicidality?
I just wish i could make up my mind on one. Some days theres hope, some days theres bleakness and sorrow.
some days its switching between the 2 multiple times. This is like limbo.

 

[Georg]

Your age?

 

[soontobedone]

If you have any desire for recovery whatsoever you should stick to that.

 

[GRIM_DEADMAN]

I'm in the same boat, it's like a coin flipping in the air indefinitely.

My advice; find some reason to live, could be a person, pet, concept, thing, or whatever.

I'm trying to recover for my mom.

 

[sincerelysad]

you shouldn't ctb if you're not completely sure you want to.
if there is any part of you that is considering recovery, you should listen to and pursue that.
you never have to ctb because you feel suicidal, and there are many, many things you can utilize that can help you through these feelings and i feel that every avenue should be completely exhausted before considering ctb.
it's a serious choice and you have value here. don't do it if you aren't sure. <3
love you hermit <33

 

[wr3ck3d]

I think the most important part about ctb is to know that you are ready for it. Regardless if you feel down or up you should contemplate on when it feels the best to take such action.
I have been myself in this situation so I understand what you're going through and I promised to myself that I will CTB when I no longer get to enjoy any life and I put in my mind the thought of being crippled as an obvious sign that it is the time to act. I'm not sure if this will help you, but I am more stable now with not being totally recovered or suicidal, just some kind of in between.

In exchange you can try other things like writing down on paper what's good and what's bad in both moods, or even attempt to ask for help with a therapist.

 

[jodes2]

Maybe it's BPD? Especially if your mood is reactive to things. I'm glad you at least sometimes want to recover!

 

[TimetoGo!]

last week i made the choice to recover then few days later i got back suicidal again.
Then some days i wana recover, some days i wana seriously die and some days i just dont care either way.
Im just sick of flip flopping all the time, this is like a bipolar suicidality?
I just wish i could make up my mind on one. Some days theres hope, some days theres bleakness and sorrow.
some days its switching between the 2 multiple times. This is like limbo.

I think many of us are like this……its SI , guilt, wanting to get better but knowing deep down you never will. That's how I feel now but problems are financial as well so hard to get away from.

I feel your pain

 

[SilentSadness]

Your suffering is understandable, I completely agree and often find a part of me wanting to live even through the pain. Unfortunately life has a lot of suffering and I desire an end to it, but if you think you can take the pain then I recommend you choose to fight on, it may be worth it and ctb is always a choice. I hope you achieve peace, in whichever form that may be.

 

[FuneralCry]

It must be very tiring feeling trapped in that situation, but I just think that after all only you know what is best, it's a personal decision.