segasonicexe
Member
- Aug 20, 2024
- 12
i don't know if i should kill myself or not. I'm like a fucking metronome. Every day i either kinda want to die but i have the slightest ire of hope in me, or im absolutely screaming for my own death. I don't want a life. i dont want to get better, this existence is agonizing and i don't want to see another second of it. But. I somehow just don't quite feel right about CBT anymore. At least not today.
I feel like the reasons i want to die or live are also both just very silly. For example, if i died, i would never get to finish playing ever single Sonic game. On top of that, i won't see the third movie or any other subsequent piece of Sonic content again. I think of those reasons to live, and i think, "God... is that really everything i have? Is that all i live for now? Is everything i suffer through worth sonic the bloody hedgehog?" And yet there is one reason to live that stands out but also stands as a huge reason to die. I'm a trans woman, and to put it lightly, I've had an absolutely terrible time so far with it. i dont like being trans, and trust me, if i could stop it, i would. I just don't have faith in transitioning. The country is a shithole for this kinda stuff, so if i even want something so simple as a diagnosis, I'd probably have to go through private (and very bloody expensive for me) healthcare. However. the mere thought that i could even slightly come to be a "real girl?" That feeling. It's everything to me. It's like i can finally control my body. Like my hands are finally physically there. Like the room im in is a 3 dimensional space. Maybe, just maybe i could somehow change things and... be?
The questions that brings me however is that i don't actually know what I'd do with myself after that. What kinda job do i want? Do i go to college? where should i live? I hate my home town, so i definitely want to move at some point. Maybe i could go to Canada, I've heard they're very good in terms of civil rights. I don't know French though. If i had a job, I'd like something to do with wires and shit so maybe i could be an engineer or electrician. is my suffering worth it?
It's also looking like ill have to go back to an abuser of mine from like a year and a bit ago so thats fun. My life is miserable, it always has been, so why am i not dead? Why has it been months since my last attempt or even last slash to my thigh? I just don't get it. I came to this website to rot and die. I came here because i was at the end of my road and now im once again just completely stuck and unsure
As it stands, i live for the past and i relish in it. I wish to become a vestige of it. To embody my entire upbringing. Maybe thats a reason to live. Putting those who hurt me those years ago through hell too. Thats no way to live though
I feel like the reasons i want to die or live are also both just very silly. For example, if i died, i would never get to finish playing ever single Sonic game. On top of that, i won't see the third movie or any other subsequent piece of Sonic content again. I think of those reasons to live, and i think, "God... is that really everything i have? Is that all i live for now? Is everything i suffer through worth sonic the bloody hedgehog?" And yet there is one reason to live that stands out but also stands as a huge reason to die. I'm a trans woman, and to put it lightly, I've had an absolutely terrible time so far with it. i dont like being trans, and trust me, if i could stop it, i would. I just don't have faith in transitioning. The country is a shithole for this kinda stuff, so if i even want something so simple as a diagnosis, I'd probably have to go through private (and very bloody expensive for me) healthcare. However. the mere thought that i could even slightly come to be a "real girl?" That feeling. It's everything to me. It's like i can finally control my body. Like my hands are finally physically there. Like the room im in is a 3 dimensional space. Maybe, just maybe i could somehow change things and... be?
The questions that brings me however is that i don't actually know what I'd do with myself after that. What kinda job do i want? Do i go to college? where should i live? I hate my home town, so i definitely want to move at some point. Maybe i could go to Canada, I've heard they're very good in terms of civil rights. I don't know French though. If i had a job, I'd like something to do with wires and shit so maybe i could be an engineer or electrician. is my suffering worth it?
It's also looking like ill have to go back to an abuser of mine from like a year and a bit ago so thats fun. My life is miserable, it always has been, so why am i not dead? Why has it been months since my last attempt or even last slash to my thigh? I just don't get it. I came to this website to rot and die. I came here because i was at the end of my road and now im once again just completely stuck and unsure
As it stands, i live for the past and i relish in it. I wish to become a vestige of it. To embody my entire upbringing. Maybe thats a reason to live. Putting those who hurt me those years ago through hell too. Thats no way to live though
