Venting I'm struggling

[SuicidalSymphonies]

The other night, I had a weak point.

I nearly took every med I had (to ctb). And now I'm treating my sleeplessness by taking over the recommended dose of them all. I'm not getting better, I'm getting worse and now I'm abusing my drugs.

I don't know if I can actually wait until April-May. My SI isn't very strong and my urge to ctb is stronger. I'm just holding out to make it a bit of a softer blow for the people that matter to me.

I'm fully aware impulse is bad. I always tell others this, but I have my own mental instabilities.. What can I do? Everyone wants me to try this and that to ease my pain but nothing does. It's like they hear me speak but don't listen.

My name may be crossed out sooner than I thought.. It will be a month before my SN arrives if I even get it..

Peace be with you all..

~ H xo

 

[Dwilson1217]

Impulse is generally bad. But if you give it some time, and rationalize the decision over the next few days, you will be able to do what you choose with peace.

 

[SuicidalSymphonies]

Impulse is generally bad. But if you give it some time, and rationalize the decision over the next few days, you will be able to do what you choose with peace.

Yes, I'm trying really hard to overcome these emotions and be rational. I like to think I'm level headed but we all have weak points.

 

[MaybeMaybeKnot]

Certainly you're not alone as you enter the darkness of your thoughts. We all go through it. Some deeper than others. Some stay longer than others. Some never return. The key is finding something to light the way. And that can be difficult if not impossible. I hope you're able to find something or someone to cling to for help. I always appreciate your kindness to others here.

 

[SuicidalSymphonies]

Certainly you're not alone as you enter the darkness of your thoughts. We all go through it. Some deeper than others. Some stay longer than others. Some never return. The key is finding something to light the way. And that can be difficult if not impossible. I hope you're able to find something or someone to cling to for help. I always appreciate your kindness to others here.

It's so hard. My heart is telling me to allow others some more time with me but its also torn over my own suffering. I do my best to be a selfless person. I hate seeing anybody suffer like many of us here do. Kindness costs me nothing and I will continue to be kind until the inevitable.

Thank you very much for your words. xo

 

[Stan]

The other night, I had a weak point.

I nearly took every med I had (to ctb). And now I'm treating my sleeplessness by taking over the recommended dose of them all. I'm not getting better, I'm getting worse and now I'm abusing my drugs.

I don't know if I can actually wait until April-May. My SI isn't very strong and my urge to ctb is stronger. I'm just holding out to make it a bit of a softer blow for the people that matter to me.

I'm fully aware impulse is bad. I always tell others this, but I have my own mental instabilities.. What can I do? Everyone wants me to try this and that to ease my pain but nothing does. It's like they hear me speak but don't listen.

My name may be crossed out sooner than I thought.. It will be a month before my SN arrives if I even get it..

Peace be with you all..

I must admit, i am having a moment today where basically I don't think it would take much for me to do it

 

[SuicidalSymphonies]

I must admit, i am having a moment today where basically I don't think it would take much for me to do it

Oh, Stan. How I love seeing your name pop up in posts, and how I look forward to logging on and seeing that you've said something or helped start a megathread or made jokes to make other people laugh. We all have a dark spot that sometimes the door just opens to. It invites temptation and if you go in there, try not to shut the door behind you until you know that you'll be comfortable in that room.

I'm sorry you feel this way today. I am sending my love. x

 

[Daniela]

oh yeah waiting is harrowing

 

[SuicidalSymphonies]

oh yeah waiting is harrowing

Can't believe waiting to DIE is harder than anything I've ever done.

 

[Daniela]

Can't believe waiting to DIE is harder than anything I've ever done.

Are you doing it where you can be found?

 

[SuicidalSymphonies]

Are you doing it where you can be found?

I want to do it in the comfort of my own apartment after I move out or somewhere secluded. Give my cats extra food and water, maybe send out a timed text message. There will be a note explaining everything too. The text will definitely say there are cats in my apartment, please give them to either of my parents.

 

[Daniela]

I'll get the SN first and the antiacid last (from the US. Absolutely nerve-wracking as it's overseas). It's gonna be one bloody agony.

nobody better intercept on me or it'll be impossible not to live up to my current "crazy" reputation.

However, I've spent over a week on this website already so roughly 3 weeks should pass as well. The struggle to act normal or even "good" is real.

 

[SuicidalSymphonies]

I'll get the SN first and the antiacid last (from the US. Absolutely nerve-wracking as it's overseas). It's gonna be one bloody agony.

nobody better intercept on me or it'll be impossible not to live up to my current "crazy" reputation.

However, I've spent over a week on this website already so roughly 3 weeks should pass as well. The struggle to act normal or even "good" is real.

I can understand. I ordered my SN not long ago and it's due to arrive in a month. The thing is, I may not even get it. So my plan B is a massive pill OD.

After the pain I've suffered for at least 15 years, an OD where I choke and foam at the mouth will be nothing.

 

[Daniela]

I can understand. I ordered my SN not long ago and it's due to arrive in a month. The thing is, I may not even get it. So my plan B is a massive pill OD.

Is it the Polish vendor? I assume you're in the US.

 

[SuicidalSymphonies]

Is it the Polish vendor? I assume you're in the US.

Sure is. I'm in Canada so god knows what will happen to it.

 

[Daniela]

You know what? I am getting Zantac from Europe. I may undo the cimetidine order from the US. It's bloody expensive though.

 

[SuicidalSymphonies]

You know what? I am getting Zantac from Europe. I may undo the cimetidine order from the US. It's bloody expensive though.

I got prescribed antiacids today. Pantoloc. I just need meto if I even get my SN. Dying is expensive apparently, yes.

 

[Daniela]

I may start a thread asking EU people to review orders from the US

 

[SuicidalSymphonies]

I may start a thread asking EU people to review orders from the US

That's probably a good idea.

 

[Dazedandconfused32]

Gosh hearing all of this makes my heart cry for each one of you. I see each of your names pop up from time to time and it brings me comfort to see kind and familiar faces so to say. I'd be sooo sad to see you go so quickly. Impulsiveness never ends well, your right. I wish I had seen this sooner as here I am strumming along with the this and that methodology for treatment. I too have many days where I just want to say screw all of this and not wait for my N or meto to come in. It's very hard to wait, it's like time moves so slowly. And the pain and anxiety are agonizing. I think the not knowing is the worst for me. I'm so sorry to you for all your pain and sadness, I know there's not much else I can do besides offer a ear and a kind heart. I send you all hugs.. many many hugs

 

[SuicidalSymphonies]

Gosh hearing all of this makes my heart cry for each one of you. I see each of your names pop up from time to time and it brings me comfort as to kind and familiar faces so to say. I'd be sooo sad to see you go so quickly. Impulsiveness never ends well, your right. I wish I had seen this sooner as here I am strumming along with the this and that methodology for treatment. I too have many days where I just want to say screw all of this and not wait for my N or meto to come in. It's very hard to wait, it's like time moves so slowly. And the pain and anxiety are agonizing. I think the not knowing is the worst for me. I'm so sorry to you for all your pain and sadness, I know there's not much else I can do besides offer a ear and a kind heart. I send you all hugs.. many many hugs

Thank you kindly. You always offer me a lot of comfort with your words and its evident you care very much.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

Sorry you are having a bad time. I'd hate to see you go impulsively.

I usually get some solace from posting on here but I'm really low myself right now. It's kinda why I've resisted having a method ready. I'd probably use it.

 

[Rachel74]

The other night, I had a weak point.

I nearly took every med I had (to ctb). And now I'm treating my sleeplessness by taking over the recommended dose of them all. I'm not getting better, I'm getting worse and now I'm abusing my drugs.

I don't know if I can actually wait until April-May. My SI isn't very strong and my urge to ctb is stronger. I'm just holding out to make it a bit of a softer blow for the people that matter to me.

I'm fully aware impulse is bad. I always tell others this, but I have my own mental instabilities.. What can I do? Everyone wants me to try this and that to ease my pain but nothing does. It's like they hear me speak but don't listen.

My name may be crossed out sooner than I thought.. It will be a month before my SN arrives if I even get it..

Peace be with you all..

~ H xo

I did exactly the same last week and took every sleeping tablet I had just to sleep. Nothing was working for me. I'm now in hospital because of it.
Sending hugs

 

[SuicidalSymphonies]

I did exactly the same last week and took every sleeping tablet I had just to sleep. Nothing was working for me. I'm now in hospital because of it.
Sending hugs ❤

I hope you're well. @Stan told me you're looking for a unicorn babysitter?

Sorry you are having a bad time. I'd hate to see you go impulsively.

I usually get some solace from posting on here but I'm really low myself right now. It's kinda why I've resisted having a method ready. I'd probably use it.

I know how you feel. I'm trying to hold on, myself..

A horrible day for me as well. My mother set me off and I guess the neighbour heard me scream and sent the police. They didn't do anything, just had a "chitchat" and noted my ID. I am absolutely caged here.
How much of a chance do I have if I take a vow of silence?
Sorry to hog your thread @SuicidalSymphonies
I completely empathize with using drugs

I'm very sorry that even happened! Ugh, that sounds like hell. No worries, hon. I don't mind. x

 

[Rachel74]

I hope you're well. @Stan told me you're looking for a unicorn babysitter?


I know how you feel. I'm trying to hold on, myself..


I'm very sorry that even happened! Ugh, that sounds like hell. No worries, hon. I don't mind. x

Definitely need a unicorn babysitter, are you qualified lol x

 

[Mloureiro]

For me Mondays are the hardest, watching my daughter leave Sunday night, when she comes at all, and facing mean and deceitful coworkers, bullies as bosses, working among so wealthy people when we struggle just to get by, drains me out. More and more each day. My solace is having everything ready.... But this damn hope that maybeeeee something good will finally happen just makes me feel like a coward. That and being afraid of ruining my kids lives. But I hate waking up every morning and spend 9 hours at this dump.... what a waste of a life...

 

[SuicidalSymphonies]

Definitely need a unicorn babysitter, are you qualified lol x

I'd like to think I am! I used to have a big pink elephant in my closet, so... Should be similar.

For me Mondays are the hardest, watching may daughter leave Sunday night, when she comes at all, and facing mean and deceitful coworkers, bullies as bosses, working among so wealthy people when we struggle just to get by, drains me out. More and more each day. My solace os having everything ready.... But this damn hope that maybeeeee something good will finally happen just makes me feel like a coward. That and being afraid of ruining my kids lives. But I hate waking up every morning and spend 9 hours at this dump.... what a waste of a life...

My heart breaks for you, but at the end of the day it IS your decision. Truly. If you feel like you can no longer deal, you have the right to be at peace in my opinion.

 

[Rachel74]

I'd like to think I am! I used to have a big pink elephant in my closet, so... Should be similar.

You are hired x

 

[Deleted member 1465]

I must admit, i am having a moment today where basically I don't think it would take much for me to do it

Sorry you're having a bad day Stan. Me too.
My peripheral neuropathy has just started up for the winter on top of everything else.
So weary.
I don't think even pole dancing for the honey monster is gonna help tonight.

 

[CrushedHopes]

I left behind a couple of text documents and a recording on my computer which detail what led to my decision to CTB. My parents know that I lost something very, very dear to me, but I don't think they are expecting me to actually do it. The backlash on Twitter is even worse than it was yesterday, which just makes me wanna go that much sooner. I hate having my real name on the net with people repeatedly dogging on it, ensuring that changing career choices would be made difficult, if not impossible. Screw this..... I hope they like it when I'm gonna be gone in about 2 weeks.