I'm struggling with whatever this is and I need help before its too late [urgent]

[Suicidebydeath]

I don't feel worthy of company any more. I get stressed out thinking I'm not good enough, making good things worse or not doing the right thing. I wish I didn't feel this way, it's unbearable when I either don't want to or can't be alone.

Then when I'm alone again I hate the loneliness and the cycle continues.
I can relate to people that feel awful both in and out of relationships/friendships so much.
As soon as I get close to someone, not even dating. The hope just tears me apart.
It's been like this the last relationships or friendships that I remember.
I'm doing my absolute best to avoid any toxicity by just sort of bearing with the feelings and not leaking them out.
That makes me feel awful though and probably the anxiety makes me less fun to be around.
I'm struggling to get past it. It just makes me want to break off anything with potential.
There's not even any bad signs I think, its all in my head thinking I'm losing someone, or the anxiety is making me self-sabotage early.
Its just hope now. Hope destroys me.
I need help. It's that bad it's self-sabotaging and makes me want to ctb even more, concurrently along with my pre-existing reasons to ctb.
How do you fix a problem like mine? Medication? I've never taken medication for a non-physical condition before.
I can potentially save my own life and someobody elses. But not until I fix this part of me.
If I mess this up, it could all go horribly wrong. I desperately don't want to mess this up.

Can anyone relate?

 

[4eyebiped]

Have you talked about this to anyone close to you? I know if someone close to me told me these things, I would pull them close, give them an amazing hug and let them know just how important they were to me. The best I can do for you is give you a virtual hug.

Is there any specific event that started you down this path of self sabotage and worrying you are not good enough for someone?

 

[Suicidebydeath]

In recovery section but its life-or-death, recovery-or-ctb for me. Either these weird feelings get fixed somehow, I can only ignore them so much, or everything comes eventually tumbling down and I ctb at the earliest possible opportunity to end the cycle.
I don't want any person I can potentially be "with" to hurt too.
Recovery for both of us is better.

Have you talked about this to anyone close to you? I know if someone close to me told me these things, I would pull them close, give them an amazing hug and let them know just how important they were to me. The best I can do for you is give you a virtual hug.

Is there any specific event that started you down this path of self sabotage and worrying you are not good enough for someone?

No, I'm frightened of the consequences of telling someone. If I told the person I was with and they felt bad or their feelings changed or they left me I'd be devastated.

I don't know, I never used to feel like this way. I don't know if its some prior relationships I was in, or getting older, or both, I can't pinpoint an exact trigger. It just seems to get worse and worse over time now. It makes me feel like a terrible human being.

Btw I'm crying. I'm awful at talking about my stuff so this was a huge step forward for me. That's why you will almost never see me start any threads of my own.

 

[Pluto]

Sorry to hear you are struggling with this, too.

The problem is that our minds are in the habit of judging ourselves brutally and assuming that other people view us in the same way. The more time we spend listening to the echo chamber of our self-attacks, the more our feelings spiral downward. And there are few places we can go to run away from our own brains.

In my own case, I was convinced that everyone in my life despised me for my social awkwardness and wanted me gone. Earlier in the week I submitted a letter of resignation from my job. What I didn't expect was a flurry of apologies, offers for pay rises, offers for promotions, etc. that have suddenly placed me in a completely different situation. I still don't know how it will pan out, but I have to admit that all of my thoughts about how worthless I am were out of kilter with what other people were actually feeling.

If I had to give advice, it would be to place yourself in a position where you are collaborating with people (eg. a reasonable workplace) and can start to get a reality check on the accuracy of your mind's judgement of yourself.

 

[timf]

When a person loses perspective and begins to see themselves in too harsh a light, it can help to imagine what you would say to a friend who had your qualities. This sort of mental exercise allows one to sort of step outside themselves and see things a little more accurately.

 

[Rabhen]

Have you talked about this to anyone close to you? I know if someone close to me told me these things, I would pull them close, give them an amazing hug and let them know just how important they were to me. The best I can do for you is give you a virtual hug.

Is there any specific event that started you down this path of self sabotage and worrying you are not good enough for someone?

I know it is time for me to leave, exit, cross the border, my human partner no longer does this for me the last few days, after me being attacked the other night, he is either disgusted with me or just tired of having to be with someone who is always picked on and has so many troubles. He used to be the most amazing hugger, always made me feel safe, he got rude with me, like others who do not understand autistic people, when I had panic attacks in the store and he was less than comforting, he actually just put his hand on my back, looked around like he was going to be embarrassed if anyone was looking, told me to settle down everything was fine and walked away, the same way my parents used to do, he no longer loves me and after 15 is tired of taking care of someone so hard to take care or, just like my paretns andeveryone else in my life, open the door and let me out I NEED money to order my exit.

 

[pawzee]

Do you think you could have Imposter Syndrome, @Suicidebydeath ?

While its more suited towards the work environment I see no reason why it cannot extend to social settings to.

 

[StarryStarry]

I don't feel worthy of company any more. I get stressed out thinking I'm not good enough, making good things worse or not doing the right thing. I wish I didn't feel this way, it's unbearable when I either don't want to or can't be alone.

Then when I'm alone again I hate the loneliness and the cycle continues.
I can relate to people that feel awful both in and out of relationships/friendships so much.
As soon as I get close to someone, not even dating. The hope just tears me apart.
It's been like this the last relationships or friendships that I remember.
I'm doing my absolute best to avoid any toxicity by just sort of bearing with the feelings and not leaking them out.
That makes me feel awful though and probably the anxiety makes me less fun to be around.
I'm struggling to get past it. It just makes me want to break off anything with potential.
There's not even any bad signs I think, its all in my head thinking I'm losing someone, or the anxiety is making me self-sabotage early.
Its just hope now. Hope destroys me.
I need help. It's that bad it's self-sabotaging and makes me want to ctb even more, concurrently along with my pre-existing reasons to ctb.
How do you fix a problem like mine? Medication? I've never taken medication for a non-physical condition before.
I can potentially save my own life and someobody elses. But not until I fix this part of me.
If I mess this up, it could all go horribly wrong. I desperately don't want to mess this up.

Can anyone relate?

I understand self sabotage. I do it to myself all the time. I always tell myself I'm not worthy to even be living. Sometimes the thoughts in my head are so overwhelming all I can do is lay in bed and cry hysterically. I hate myself. I am so sorry you feel so bad.

 

[miserableforever]

Do you think you could have Imposter Syndrome, @Suicidebydeath ?

While its more suited towards the work environment I see no reason why it cannot extend to social settings to.

Never heard of the term and looked it up. Thanks for the info.

 

[MiserableInCT]

I don't really know what it is like to have friends or someone to talk to anymore. I am unable to connect with people on an emotional level. The amount of trauma I've endured, and the extent to which I am an outcast from society, I just can't relate to people unless they are as broken and damaged as I am.

The troubles you describe in being able to trust and connect or be open with other people is perfectly understandable to me. If it is not understandable to those around you, that is understandable as well.

But really, what I feel like sharing with OP is to point out how there are some people who do understand and who would not cast you aside for having emotional difficulties. Finding these types of good people, in person, seems impossible. The way I see it anyone who I could possibly connect with emotionally, someone who is as broken and damaged as I am, is always lost in hiding away from the world just like me, and so how could we ever meet?

But here, on these message boards, are people who feel as broken as you do, and we do understand, so take some hope in that. There are people who will respond with support when you reach out in desperation.

I am trying to stop the self-loathing and self-condemnation, and accept myself for where I am emotionally. But then again, I'm on these boards because CTB is a constant theme for me to escape all this pain. I wish you healing, and calm, and perhaps even some joy is possible.

 

[Ratcycling]

I can really relate to feeling like you can't trust or open up to people and you end up self-sabotaging. But then in my experience, when I have taken a leap of faith to open up or trust someone, they just use me and hurt me, then leave. It's like no matter what I do, it's never the right thing. Even if I'm open and honest and communicate and am understanding and flexible, I'm still just a piece of crap and not worth loving. It's like I might as well just isolate myself so I don't get hurt and so I don't inconvenience other people.

The hope of being able to connect and open up to someone in a healthy way is something that used to keep me going, but like you, now that hope just destroys me, because it seems no matter what, those hopes get stomped on.

I don't know what the answer is, but I'm sorry that we're both feeling this way. It's horrible and it's unfair.

 

[Rabhen]

I understand self sabotage. I do it to myself all the time. I always tell myself I'm not worthy to even be living. Sometimes the thoughts in my head are so overwhelming all I can do is lay in bed and cry hysterically. I hate myself. I am so sorry you feel so bad.

We are in the same bed. Not getting out of mine today except to pee and feed the cats.

 

[dandan]

My advice, get on friendship here and talk over the phone and then play a dare game with him. Like you dare him to do something about his issues and he dares you. In a friendly way, and talk about this issues :)

You are sad about this
I was sad only for being, it was hormone thing,

Your thing is kind of rare to me.... I would not like to hurt the girl I'm dating..... but she's 41 and I'm 39... and we are good together... but I ain't married and probably I'm 7attracted and want to know more women before committing....

I started to feel good during the coronavirus pandemia , so it is kind of odd...

 

[davidgeorge]

I recognise most of what you've said. Let me know if you'd like to talk about it.

 

[Sherri]

I'm sorry you facing all of that , you are a fantastic girl, and I do admire you a lot, you are much stronger than you think for what we have interacted with each other. Hang in there, my pm is always open for you my dear sweetie. Hugs.