I’m struggling not to act rashly and CTB in a fit

[DeadD]

I don't have anyone to talk to about this. I've isolated myself throughly. I'm desperate for relief, validation, anything. I can't talk to the people in my life anymore because I've exhausted them. My relationships have all transitioned into ones where I have to maintain their mental well-being about myself because the pain of my reality is to much for them. Iam in so muchpain I want to die so bad but I know it would hurt the people in my life. I'm currently on a social break with my GF because I make her burnt out. I had been on the phone with her sobbing all day. She won't say anything to me anymore when I cry. No one does. So I hung up, and now I'm alone. Like always. I'm never not alone, even when I have people that care about me. Im completely isolated down to my soul. I'm only alive to make other people happy. I don't k w what to do right now. Trying not to CTB in desperation right now. All I would have to do is snip the main artery on each wrist and it could be over. Like a convent little off button. I could just flip the switch and in an hour or two I could be gone...

its so so fucking hard not to flip the switch

 

[rt1989526]

Sorry to hear life is going like this, we all can definitely relate. Please be aware its not that easy to slit your wrists please don't try that. It's not like an off switch, if it was I'd already be gone.

 

[DeadD]

Sorry to hear life is going like this, we all can definitely relate. Please be aware its not that easy to slit your wrists please don't try that. It's not like an off switch, if it was I'd already be gone.

I wish it was. I would do anything to find relief. I am so desperate and all I have is scissors. I really don't what to do. I know it's not that easy but I'm so desperate and out of control I'd literally do anything to have it over with tonight

 

[rt1989526]

Please don't use scissors to harm yourself!! You will just wind up injured. Try to get some rest or smoke some weed or have some drinks to calm down. You will feel better tomorrow I guarantee it

 

[DeadD]

Please don't use scissors to harm yourself!! You will just wind up injured. Try to get some rest or smoke some weed or have some drinks to calm down. You will feel better tomorrow I guarantee it

I haven't felt better in like a decade. Everyday I like this. I wish weed helped like it used to. Thank you for trying. I am sorry

 

[rt1989526]

It's ok dude. I'm the same way, nothing makes me feel better anymore. Just don't do anything impulsive as it will only make things worse. If you're going to CTB it will have to be planned out. Scissors definitely not the answer.

 

[FriendofDeath]

I like the idea of trying to find something to take your mind in a different direction. I just saw you say weed didn't work anymore. When I was in a very dark place, all I could do was concentrate on getting from one breath to the next. I also started drawing (not well), doodling and watching movies on my Kindle. It was one way for me to mentally try to get away.

I agree with @rt1989526. Best to plan if you can. I'm sorry for your pain. My pink square is some of my doodling.

 

[DeadD]

I did a fucky wucky and I genuinely cannot stop cutting now lmao tf I genuinely don't know if I can stop now. I feel like such a dumb whiny idiot like "oh wahh look at me I just cut myself" but really it's more like a clown with a megaphone drowning in the middle of a fucking ocean haha that's me I'm the clown

 

[DeadD]

It's ok dude. I'm the same way, nothing makes me feel better anymore. Just don't do anything impulsive as it will only make things worse. If you're going to CTB it will have to be planned out. Scissors definitely not the answer.

You're right about the plan. I've had one for years and I keep telling myself to stick to it but tonight is just genuinely rough. I'm like "if you've been living to keep everyone happy then why did in a bloody fit in your mothers basement" but the CTB desire is just SO much louder

I like the idea of trying to find something to take your mind in a different direction. I just saw you say weed didn't work anymore. When I was in a very dark place, all I could do was concentrate on getting from one breath to the next. I also started drawing (not well), doodling and watching movies on my Kindle. It was one way for me to mentally try to get away.

I agree with @rt1989526. Best to plan if you can. I'm sorry for your pain. My pink square is some of my doodling.

Ugh, I wish I had the motivation to do anything creative or even just time consuming. I don't enjoy things anymore and with ADHD it just makes it so much harder. My serotonin machine is completely out of commission. Doing anything is a chore.

I love your doodles, btw, they remind me of the ones my mom used to make. If I manage to dig one up I'll post it for you

 

[builtwrong]

You're right about the plan. I've had one for years and I keep telling myself to stick to it but tonight is just genuinely rough. I'm like "if you've been living to keep everyone happy then why did in a bloody fit in your mothers basement" but the CTB desire is just SO much louder

Ugh, I wish I had the motivation to do anything creative or even just time consuming. I don't enjoy things anymore and with ADHD it just makes it so much harder. My serotonin machine is completely out of commission. Doing anything is a chore.

I love your doodles, btw, they remind me of the ones my mom used to make. If I manage to dig one up I'll post it for you

I really feel that adhd part. It's completely fucked my life, but no matter how I go out it won't be an adhd driven impulsive whim. If the last thing is do is ctb, I at least want to do it right. I know it's tough when even the simplest things you need to do to maintain life feel like insurmountable tasks though

 

[ladolcemorte]

I don't have anyone to talk to about this. I've isolated myself throughly. I'm desperate for relief, validation, anything. I can't talk to the people in my life anymore because I've exhausted them. My relationships have all transitioned into ones where I have to maintain their mental well-being about myself because the pain of my reality is to much for them. Iam in so muchpain I want to die so bad but I know it would hurt the people in my life. I'm currently on a social break with my GF because I make her burnt out. I had been on the phone with her sobbing all day. She won't say anything to me anymore when I cry. No one does. So I hung up, and now I'm alone. Like always. I'm never not alone, even when I have people that care about me. Im completely isolated down to my soul. I'm only alive to make other people happy. I don't k w what to do right now. Trying not to CTB in desperation right now. All I would have to do is snip the main artery on each wrist and it could be over. Like a convent little off button. I could just flip the switch and in an hour or two I could be gone...

its so so fucking hard not to flip the switch

I can completely relate to this. All the people I used to be close to are gone because they all got compassion fatigue after dealing with me for so long. Heck, I have compassion fatigue after dealing with myself for so long!!!!! I can completely see why people got frustrated from hearing the same thing from me over and over...but you know what? I am tired of feeling the same thing over and over.

I completely relate to the compulsion to commit suicide on impulse. But of course, a "heat of the moment" suicide is likely to fail.

It reminds me of this quote, from Girl Interrupted:

"Suicide is a form of murder - premeditated murder. It isn't something you do the first time you think of doing it. It takes getting used to. And you need the means, the opportunity, the motive. A successful suicide demands good organization and a cool head, both of which are usually incompatible with the suicidal state of mind."

-Susanna Kaysen, Girl, Interrupted