Story I’m still alive

[Lotus]

I guess some of you read my previous thread about getting a bad reaction from meto. I was very ready to ctb with SN, so I felt like I didn't have the time to find an equivalent medication. Although disappointed, I realized I couldn't do the 48 hour regimen. I looked further into doing the stat dose, and that is also what I did. It happened 18 hours ago.

I was feeling relaxed in my hotel room. I had fasted all day. It felt like this is it. I poured myself a glass of SN, according to Stan's guide. I had one extra glass just in case I would throw up. It was really salty indeed, just like others have described it before me. Just immediately after my last sip, the police rushed into my room after someone calling the ambulance. I was kind of freaking out, but I remember the kind police officer said to the two others: «Everything is alright, she's just hanging out with her computer». They waited until the ambulance and the doctor showed up. I was still feeling good, and they allowed me to pack my luggage. I was about to check out of the hotel until I wasn't feeling all that good anymore. That damn hotel worker was such a newbie, and couldn't handle the system properly. He was using what felt like forever. I said I had to sit down for a little. After a few seconds I poured my guts out at the hotel floor, just beside the ambulance. After a little while, I was like: «OK, I'm ready to check out». And I did. The next thing I remember is me lying on the floor. Apparently, I was still at the hotel. I said to the ambulance that my vision was getting more and more blurry.

The next thing I remember is thinking: «Am I dead?». Then I felt someone touching my leg and putting something in my mouth. «No, I can't be», I was thinking. But I couldn't move or talk. After talking with the doctors after waking up after 12 hours, they said that I was put in narcosis. Even tough i was throwing up like crazy my methaemoglobin level was about 60, and they told me I was extremely cyanotic. Obviously, I'm still at the hospital, so I have to check my medical records later. Also, they offered me a different kind of antiemetic which I handled well, so I will go and get a prescription of those by my general doctor when I'm released.

Right now I'm feeling confused and sad. Nobody knows that I'm here, and I don't know if I will tell my family or not yet. Even though this was a complete failure, I wouldn't have been here right now if I wasn't found. I hope that is somewhat calming to know by those of you that are considering the SN method. Now I'm just peeing blue, and I have a security guard outside my door.

 

[BooGirl]

How'd they catch you?

 

[Lotus]

How'd they catch you?

Apparently I had been put on suicide watch. I don't know if they first broke into my apartment before they got to my hotel room.

 

[BooGirl]

Apparently I had been put on suicide watch. I don't know if they first broke into my apartment before they got to my hotel room.

I'm sorry to hear that. Hope it goes well in the future, whatever you choose.

 

[TheDevilsAngel]

Wow my thoughts are with you... I can only begin to imagine how you are feeling.....

Did you experience any pain?

Are you really peeing blue?

 

[HereToday]

Sounds like a horrible experience. I hope you're doing well and next time, if you so choose, you'll be left in peace

 

[EmptyArms]

Poor you. You are not alone. We are all here with you.

 

[hatelife]

if I do it I plan to duck tape mouth to suffocate if throw up, Talked to Stan he told me not to do that but reading this makes me want to?

 

[Hopeindeath!]

I am so sorry all this happened to you. How's your vision?

 

[HereToday]

if I do it I plan to duck tape mouth to suffocate if throw up, Talked to Stan he told me not to do that but reading this makes me want to?

Choking on your own vomit would be a terrible way to go. It would be more preferable to let yourself throw up then drink more SN and die by drifting off to sleep peacefully, than die by choking on vomit

 

[chris8000]

Sorry to hear you went through that, sounds thoroughly unpleasent, I hope you recover well

 

[Lotus]

I'm sorry to hear that. Hope it goes well in the future, whatever you choose.

Thank you for your support.

Wow my thoughts are with you... I can only begin to imagine how you are feeling.....

Did you experience any pain?

Are you really peeing blue?

Thank you for your warm thoughts. I didn't experience any pain after I ingested it. Now I have the worst migraine ever though, but I usually have migraines. And yes, my pee is completely blue.

Sounds like a horrible experience. I hope you're doing well and next time, if you so choose, you'll be left in peace

Thank you for your kind reply. I hope so too.

Poor you. You are not alone. We are all here with you.

Thank you. At least I have this community.

I am so sorry all this happened to you. How's your vision?

My vision is all good now. Thanks.

Sorry to hear you went through that, sounds thoroughly unpleasent, I hope you recover well

Thank you so much. It means a lot to me.

 

[hatelife]

Choking on your own vomit would be a terrible way to go. It would be more preferable to let yourself throw up then drink more SN and die by drifting off to sleep peacefully, than die by choking on vomit

I dont live alone anymore now, so I really want it to success this time, already did once with overdosing amitriptyline which was really nice btw...

 

[imagineit]

Wow I thought by your last post you were holding off. Sorry to hear about this entire experience and hope whatever lies Ahead not difficult. I hope you can find rest in the interim.

 

[Jean4]

Sending you lots of love. If you want to talk, we are here.

 

[Quarky00]

Wow, this is rough from beginning to end... The meto, police, hotel, vomiting, near death, hospital. I couldn't handle police or hospital on a normal day. Can't imagine what you're going through emotionally, but I really admire you, for being able to understand and talk about this experience (not many can)
I hope you feel better, give yourself some time. We're here .

 

[JSauter]

That is such an intrusion on your autonomy: That they can just break into your hotel room and have you on "suicide watch" outside of a prison or a mental health facility. You were not within the confines of some facility, you were just out and about. So ridiculous.

 

[deathbyginger]

Wow, that's one heck of an experience. You're truly lucky to be alive right now.

I understand you must feel defeated, and this can obviously be upsetting for someone who took their own means to end their life. But you have to remember, this probably happened for a good reason. I'm not exactly sure what it is, but life works its way in magical ways and there's some purpose that requires you staying on this planet for a few more weeks.

Albeit, we're here to support you through this time. I wish you nothing but good luck in your recovery and hope you're feeling back to 100% soon
Just try to get some rest and not stress about your loved ones right now. Everything will work out in the end

 

[MysticPerception]

Sorry to hear you got busted but at least it was a peaceful police visit for the most part. At least you have your very own bodyguard now. Hopefully next time things go better if you try again. But if you don't nothing wrong with that either. Whatever you decide, the forum is always here for you either way like everyone before me has already said.

 

[Bzrluvtriangle]

How and why were you put on suicide watch? Did you tell someone you wanted to CTB?

 

[k75]

I'm sorry you're going through this, Lotus. I hope you feel better.

if I do it I plan to duck tape mouth to suffocate if throw up, Talked to Stan he told me not to do that but reading this makes me want to?

That's so not going to prevent you from throwing up. It's just going to maybe keep it your mouth... but the tape probably isn't stronger than your jaw, so it won't even do that.

 

[GinaIsReady]

Thanks so much for sharing your story. The info is invaluable. I'm so sorry about the police busting in on you. It's disturbing to me, on multiple levels, that the police busted in on you and invaded your privacy. Maybe the police need a reason to feel good about themselves? I hope you are ok, other than your migraine and thanks again for sharing.

 

[Lotus]

I was very hesitant to call my family though, but I knew I had to call my mother. I was so quiet, and I only told her that I'm admitted to the hospital and that I will be fine. She told me that she received a call yesterday night, but she didn't take it because she was asleep. She said she was trying to get through all day with no luck, and that she didn't know what message to receive (the phone number is specific to location in the country, and when you search for it the hospital shows up). I just said that I've got to go and eat my chicken dinner now.

Wow I thought by your last post you were holding off. Sorry to hear about this entire experience and hope whatever lies Ahead not difficult. I hope you can find rest in the interim.

Thank you. I can understand that you thought that by my previous post. I think I felt like I crushed my own ctb plans, but I somehow felt like I was ready anyway after I had processed it.

Sending you lots of love. If you want to talk, we are here.

Thank you. It really means a lot to me.

Wow, this is rough from beginning to end... The meto, police, hotel, vomiting, near death, hospital. I couldn't handle police or hospital on a normal day. Can't imagine what you're going through emotionally, but I really admire you, for being able to understand and talk about this experience (not many can)
I hope you feel better, give yourself some time. We're here .

Thank you so much for your kind words. I feel like I can't share this with anyone besides this community. I'm very thankful to be a part of this community.

 

[Broken Chimera]

I'm stuck on the part where the police broke in your room. Ik you were on suicide watch, but how did they know you were actually going through with it, or was it just a random wellness check?

 

[Lotus]

Wow, that's one heck of an experience. You're truly lucky to be alive right now.

I understand you must feel defeated, and this can obviously be upsetting for someone who took their own means to end their life. But you have to remember, this probably happened for a good reason. I'm not exactly sure what it is, but life works its way in magical ways and there's some purpose that requires you staying on this planet for a few more weeks.

Albeit, we're here to support you through this time. I wish you nothing but good luck in your recovery and hope you're feeling back to 100% soon
Just try to get some rest and not stress about your loved ones right now. Everything will work out in the end

Thank you so much for your support. I feel very defeated indeed, but I try to be open minded. At least they are treating me well here. I'll soon get released though and sent to the psych ward.

Sorry to hear you got busted but at least it was a peaceful police visit for the most part. At least you have your very own bodyguard now. Hopefully next time things go better if you try again. But if you don't nothing wrong with that either. Whatever you decide, the forum is always here for you either way like everyone before me has already said.

Thank you for your kind reply.

 

[262653]

Indeed? From what I understand it sounds like not that bad of experience (or so I interpreted it (or so you portrayed it)), I remembered G-Man's words, in his usual enigmatic tone: "I'm sure you can imagine there are worse alternatives". Anyway, thanks for sharing.

 

[Saddad]

I dont live alone anymore now, so I really want it to success this time, already did once with overdosing amitriptyline which was really nice btw...

What was your regime with amitriptyline,? Why did it fail? What was the experience?

 

[jgm63]

Best wishes for the weeks ahead.
It'll be okay, just try to regroup....

Feel free to update us here as often as you feel like it....

 

[Lotus]

Sorry if I'm not giving you the best answers to your very supportive and sweet replies. When I woke up earlier today I was completely naked with tubes covering both my arms, ECG on my chest and a urethral catheter. They're now «untubing» me. I heard that my lactate and calsium is still high, but my metheamoglobin and heamoglobin is back to normal.

Thanks so much for sharing your story. The info is invaluable. I'm so sorry about the police busting in on you. It's disturbing to me, on multiple levels, that the police busted in on you and invaded your privacy. Maybe the police need a reason to feel good about themselves? I hope you are ok, other than your migraine and thanks again for sharing.

Thank you

How and why were you put on suicide watch? Did you tell someone you wanted to CTB?

I'm stuck on the part where the police broke in your room. Ik you were on suicide watch, but how did they know you were actually going through with it, or was it just a random wellness check?

My psychiatrist is well aware. I haven't really been on this site for that long. I really appriciate my psychiatrist, and he's been trying to help me for several months. I was willing to try to get help at first, until I wasn't anymore. I suspect that I left him worried after the last session by being calm and kind of in a «goodbye state», without saying it if that makes any sense? I think he reached out to my sister (because she lives somewhat near me), and when I didn't reply to her message the police and ambulance showed up at my hotel room. I'm not completely sure that this is what happened, but I think it's pretty accurate.

 

[Zoltiel]

That is horrible. This is truly a prison planet. I hope you are alright, and we support you with whatever you decide to do after you get out of the hospital.