Venting I’m still alive unfortunately

[phoenixx]

I haven't been on here in a few years. I don't know if anyone I knew back then is still here, but I'm going to post an update anyway.

Let's just say nothing has really changed. If anything, things have just got worse.

I'm 27 and my life is pretty fucking meaningless still. No career. I'm more isolated than ever, I don't even have online friends anymore. I cut them all off. I still don't have a social life or anything.

I'm still addicted to painkillers, I did try to stop multiple times but the past few months.. it's gone out of control. I've been buying otc painkillers and alcohol, taking other people's prescription painkillers.. I've consumed so many painkillers and bottles of vodka in the past few months that I'm surprised I'm still alive. It was only the other week I was throwing up blood and thought I was going to pass out and not wake up. Unfortunately I did.

The only reason I'm still hanging on is for my five year old niece. She means everything to me but I'm starting to think she would be better off without me.

I don't have much hope for the future. It seems like even my family are getting fed up of me, that's with them not even knowing about my addiction. Everyday I wake up and it's just awful. I hate myself. I just don't want to live this life anymore. I just hope I have the guts to ctb soon. It'll be better for everyone else anyway.

 

[sugarh1gh]

I am glad you have your niece, and pretty sure a 5 years old surely knows who loves her. I think she would be grateful for you.

I connect with you when you say waking up and feeling awful. Morning is the worst time for me too.

I would say spend as much time with your niece when you can. It would be good memory for her and you.

 

[phoenixx]

I am glad you have your niece, and pretty sure a 5 years old surely knows who loves her. I think she would be grateful for you.

I connect with you when you say waking up and feeling awful. Morning is the worst time for me too.

I would say spend as much time with your niece when you can. It would be good memory for her and you.

That's exactly what I'm doing. We have a really good bond, everyone can see that. And even on my worst days, she's able to bring a smile to my face. So as painful as it is, I'm still holding on for her. I just don't know how long I can do it for since my mental health has deteriorated so much and it's going to come a time when I'm just not able to stay here. So until then, I'll spend as much time as I can with her and make even more memories with her so that even when I'm no longer here, she'll have the happy memories to look back on.

I'm sorry that you're struggling too. Waking up feeling that way is awful, even worse when you have a decent dream and wake up and reality hits.

 

[sugarh1gh]

That's exactly what I'm doing. We have a really good bond, everyone can see that. And even on my worst days, she's able to bring a smile to my face. So as painful as it is, I'm still holding on for her. I just don't know how long I can do it for since my mental health has deteriorated so much and it's going to come a time when I'm just not able to stay here. So until then, I'll spend as much time as I can with her and make even more memories with her so that even when I'm no longer here, she'll have the happy memories to look back on.

I'm sorry that you're struggling too. Waking up feeling that way is awful, even worse when you have a decent dream and wake up and reality hits.

I feel like nightmare is the worst for me. My trigger was about to pull due to betryal in reality, and I was betrayed by the same person in dream. So far the worst morning ever. Just hoping that I would never wake up from the sleep, forever.

But yeah, try to take as many pictures and videos of you and her together. That's going to last for her when you are not here anymore.

 

[phoenixx]

I feel like nightmare is the worst for me. My trigger was about to pull due to betryal in reality, and I was betrayed by the same person in dream. So far the worst morning ever. Just hoping that I would never wake up from the sleep, forever.

But yeah, try to take as many pictures and videos of you and her together. That's going to last for her when you are not here anymore.

I'm so sorry you had to go through that. I hope you'll be okay. I understand though, I wish I never had to wake up from sleep either. It's horrible to feel that way but it's the reality for a lot of us.

Yeah. When she's old enough, whether I'm here or not, I hope she understands how much she actually meant to me. I try not to think how she would feel if I left, that's something that's been playing on my mind and has prevented me from doing it. I just really don't know how long I can hold on for. I'm struggling so much and I'm tired of fighting. I'm not mentally stable and I have too many problems, I don't think I'll ever be able live a normal life. I'll never be normal. So I think leaving will be the best option. It might hurt for a while but I know they will get over it eventually. They'll probably be better off without me anyway.

 

[thealteredmind]

ok this won't make sense but... if you have a strong bond then doing CBT would really affect her. not saying this to make you feel guilty or anything. I will tell you about me. I have 2 nieces and 3 nephews. I don't have bonds with them so I know they won't suffer a lot. they barely know me.

so it would stupid for me to spend time with them.

what I'm saying is... if you keep spending time with her the bond will be stronger and it will be more painful.

makes no sense for me to say this, because there's nothing you can do about it. maybe I'm just throwing my thoughts.

I understand your pain though.

 

[phoenixx]

ok this won't make sense but... if you have a strong bond then doing CBT would really affect her. not saying this to make you feel guilty or anything. I will tell you about me. I have 2 nieces and 3 nephews. I don't have bonds with them so I know they won't suffer a lot. they barely know me.

so it would stupid for me to spend time with them.

what I'm saying is... if you keep spending time with her the bond will be stronger and it will be more painful.

makes no sense for me to say this, because there's nothing you can do about it. maybe I'm just throwing my thoughts.

I understand your pain though.

I understand exactly what you're saying. It's a difficult situation, because I do want to spend as much time as possible with her but then again, it will just make it harder for her if I leave. Like I said, it's a difficult situation and I really need to think about it