through a change in environment, experiences, hormones, the weather, who the fuck knows - my moods change on their own - my mental state improves for a few days up to two weeks and then it comes crashing down. i get hit by random flashes of hope but its so deceptive. every time im let down. and yet i still keep telling myself this time will be different. i will attain my goal body composition, refine my social networking and independent survival skills, develop wholesome hobbies that i dont give up on after five minutes. nope its all a lie. fuck hope. hope is a lying sod. it is the jailor and the key. i am so fucking tired.
its been a bad week - stopped my vitamin and self medication routine, didnt sleep for two days and got very little sleep the other days, changed my clothes four times the entire week - those four including sleep vs work outfit, brushed my teeth and showered three times each. but the two weeks prior were good - i had lost 5 kg, doing well at work, feeling like maybe i had a future, maybe i would delay my suicide until summer 2023 - then bad before that. and now i just got a prescription for lisdexamfetamin. which is so fucking retarded. i should never have made the appointment with the gp. now my brain will use this as an excuse to continue pussying out and delaying death even though all i want is for this bullshit to be over. first it was til this course of therapy - which has been useless* - is finished, which is in three weeks. now it is extended again. either way i know i will not gather the materials within a month but it is the principle of the thing - that i keep delaying and rationalising - so that when i finally do have all the supplies, i will be too mentally weak to use them according to plan.
i hate myself for this. i keep self sabotaging. when i am doing well after some time i end up isolating myself and prohibit myself to drink water and force bad foods to purposely feel like shit. when i am doing poorly i try to find something that will help, drop hints to those around me, experiment with self medication and even therapy and psychiatry. but nothing works in the long term - sooner or later it will stop working. even food is less effective. i dont get the first bite feeling that i used to - everything feels dull and lacking now. i keep overeating due to the expectation that it will taste good and make me feel something positive, however temporarily. but it all is better in my memory than in reality, because i romanticise it to give myself a comforting fantasy to relive. when in actuality nothing helps. i am disappointed every time. whenever i allow myself to indulge in hope, i will continue to be let down. i know this. and yet i keep doing the same thing over and over. i have been trapped in this fucking cycle for almost a decade. i am so goddamn bloody tired of my bullshit.
so now i have spent money on a month's worth of medication. and set up an appointment to discuss how it is working out for me for one month. i know i wont have all my materials ready within a month. but i hate the thought that i must stay alive for some arbitrary date. i just wish i would go to sleep and never wake up. please god give me cancer.
* partly it is my fault, because i only do the work sometimes. i want to get better only sometimes. most of the time not. but it is in those brief moments that i do stupid things like sign up for four months of therapy - which im then stuck with when the cycle inevitably goes round to where i want to disintegrate and decay into nothingness. it is then that i believe that recovery is not possible for me. i never fucking commit to anything or finish anything i start of substance. when i dont get instant results i get bored and impatient and say fuck it.
this all is just my personal bullshit. now it is easy enough to say well if you really want to you can remediate it. but even if so, the rest of society still exists. there is still corruption and depravation and suffering. i dont want to participate in this society. i dont want to be functional if being functional means i must become a guinea pig for the government, work myself to the grave and enjoy none of my earnings nor have leisure because i am too busy treading water to stay afloat. although there are kind moments and individuals, by and large this world is cruel and hateful and i want no part of it.
i acknowledge that am incompatible with this world. i just need to gather the fucking courage to fix that. but i cant even do that simple thing because im too inconsistent.
its been a bad week - stopped my vitamin and self medication routine, didnt sleep for two days and got very little sleep the other days, changed my clothes four times the entire week - those four including sleep vs work outfit, brushed my teeth and showered three times each. but the two weeks prior were good - i had lost 5 kg, doing well at work, feeling like maybe i had a future, maybe i would delay my suicide until summer 2023 - then bad before that. and now i just got a prescription for lisdexamfetamin. which is so fucking retarded. i should never have made the appointment with the gp. now my brain will use this as an excuse to continue pussying out and delaying death even though all i want is for this bullshit to be over. first it was til this course of therapy - which has been useless* - is finished, which is in three weeks. now it is extended again. either way i know i will not gather the materials within a month but it is the principle of the thing - that i keep delaying and rationalising - so that when i finally do have all the supplies, i will be too mentally weak to use them according to plan.
i hate myself for this. i keep self sabotaging. when i am doing well after some time i end up isolating myself and prohibit myself to drink water and force bad foods to purposely feel like shit. when i am doing poorly i try to find something that will help, drop hints to those around me, experiment with self medication and even therapy and psychiatry. but nothing works in the long term - sooner or later it will stop working. even food is less effective. i dont get the first bite feeling that i used to - everything feels dull and lacking now. i keep overeating due to the expectation that it will taste good and make me feel something positive, however temporarily. but it all is better in my memory than in reality, because i romanticise it to give myself a comforting fantasy to relive. when in actuality nothing helps. i am disappointed every time. whenever i allow myself to indulge in hope, i will continue to be let down. i know this. and yet i keep doing the same thing over and over. i have been trapped in this fucking cycle for almost a decade. i am so goddamn bloody tired of my bullshit.
so now i have spent money on a month's worth of medication. and set up an appointment to discuss how it is working out for me for one month. i know i wont have all my materials ready within a month. but i hate the thought that i must stay alive for some arbitrary date. i just wish i would go to sleep and never wake up. please god give me cancer.
* partly it is my fault, because i only do the work sometimes. i want to get better only sometimes. most of the time not. but it is in those brief moments that i do stupid things like sign up for four months of therapy - which im then stuck with when the cycle inevitably goes round to where i want to disintegrate and decay into nothingness. it is then that i believe that recovery is not possible for me. i never fucking commit to anything or finish anything i start of substance. when i dont get instant results i get bored and impatient and say fuck it.
this all is just my personal bullshit. now it is easy enough to say well if you really want to you can remediate it. but even if so, the rest of society still exists. there is still corruption and depravation and suffering. i dont want to participate in this society. i dont want to be functional if being functional means i must become a guinea pig for the government, work myself to the grave and enjoy none of my earnings nor have leisure because i am too busy treading water to stay afloat. although there are kind moments and individuals, by and large this world is cruel and hateful and i want no part of it.
i acknowledge that am incompatible with this world. i just need to gather the fucking courage to fix that. but i cant even do that simple thing because im too inconsistent.
STOP THIS HATING YOURSELF.. PLEASE! No one here should react by hating themselves. Everyone here is dealing with very painful circumstances of one type or another and all should be proud they have the guts to share things and the wisdom to ask for help! 
