hourlyrabbit
Member
- Feb 22, 2023
- 17
I'm so tired of all of the mental stress and effort it takes to live day to day, I just really want to get it off my chest, so bear with me, I just want to finally be allowed to talk about what i've gone through. I appreciate it a lot if anybody takes time or bothers to read this. I feel selfish for writing, it feels like begging for attention, i should be stronger, and i should be able to get through it, but im so tired of it all. im sorry for writing this.
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Some basic background, I grew up in Duluth, a city in Minnesota in the US. We moved around a lot, never stayed in the same place for more than 2 years, and never had very much money. I had stayed in Texas for a while but don't remember much of it. my mother was homeless while I was 2-4 years old and I obviously have no memory of that period. Both of my parents are alive, but separated. My father lived in a town called St Cloud down south and never spent much time with me, as he also never had any money.
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My Childhood was rough, I was often spending days to weeks at home either alone or without electricity. A lot of my younger years my mother was running the entire house off an extension cord to the neighboring home as my mother spent all of her remaining cash on drugs and gambling, and her fiance at the time would do nothing but yell, scream and abuse our pets. It got moderately better a couple years after that, after we got evicted from the house we were in, she dropped her fiance who was abusive to her and our pets, and started to take it out on me instead. She would vanish for 4 days to deal and take drugs, leaving me to watch my 3 younger siblings the entire time, and come home only to physically attack me and scream at me. My first CTB attempt was around this time, I had downed a bottle of pills and went to bed hoping not to wake up. It continued for up to 3 years before my father moved up north.
.
Once he had moved up north, I started to bounce between his and my mother's house every couple weeks or so, I never had any stability. The only comfort I had found was through playing the few games on my DS we were able to afford at the time. After a while my mother had started to get investigated by the police, and my and my siblings were moved to stay with our fathers (3 separate father for 4 kids, I was alone). During my stay with my father, I didn't really get a break. He was no better himself, where my mother used hard drugs, my father used alcohol, and where she would physically abuse me, he would scream at me and emotionally abuse me. He was bipolar, so a lot of the time he would flash between being kind and relaxed and being violent and screaming.
.
I put up with this until I was 16, before running away from home to be homeless for around 2 years after this. It was honestly one of the happier times of my life, I felt independent and relaxed, I had a relationship with someone, I had a couple close friends and had gotten very close with my girlfriend's family, to the point they felt like my own family. I felt like my life had finally turned around for the better, despite still struggling with Major Depressive Disorder, and the difficulties that come with untreated OCD, Autism and ADHD.
.
I was struggling a lot with my schooling, falling behind and panicking all the time, but I managed to just barely squeak out of it, graduating high school on time, despite missing half of my first year of school from my family not enrolling me proper. At this point, I am 5 years into my relationship, I have a full-time job, we are living together, and I have a large savings account that would take care of me for quite a while. I wouldn't be mentioning this if it weren't for the issue that followed once we were living together. She started to get more distant, and grew a resentment toward me, as I did her. This caused me to fall into a horrible, horrible depressive addiction spiral leading to me spending thousands and thousands of dollars donating to content creators and streamers just to feel like somebody cared about me or liked me. All of my friends were mutual friends with my girlfriend at the time, and as our resentment for eachother grew, all of our friends took her side. all of my friends had started leaving, all the progress I had finally made gone. My entire savings account slowly drained to nothing. I had stopped spending so much for a while, started to recover, and streamed myself for the first time.
.
My Stream took off, I get around 20-30 viewers in my first 2 months streaming, and am recieving hundreds of dollars in donations, and had so many people who were interested in talking and seeing me every day. I once again feel wanted, feel like I am doing well, and think I'm happy once again. I was streaming around 6 hours every single day, and working full time 40-hour weeks as well. it seemed like a lot but I was very happy doing it, and felt desired and wanted by so many lovely people. In about 5 months into streaming, I lose my job. This is during the pandemic, so it's near impossible to find a replacement. But it's okay, I was making enough money from Twitch to sustain myself, to pay bills, to pay for food, especially since I was splitting it 50-50 with my girlfriend at the time. I had a lot of fun, I raised around $3000 for my favorite charity and got a coveted follow from them, and felt on top of the world, despite my job being gone
.
Of course, being happy once again, something had to go wrong. One month I slipped under a 0 balance on my bank account from an automatic charge, and I got charged an overdraft fee. and another. and another. over and over again, until I had -$1200 in my bank account. They refused to fix the issue. I couldn't pay bills, couldn't afford rent, couldn't make it anymore. my no-longer girlfriend at the time was much less than understanding. It absolutely enraged her that I couldn't afford my half, despite my barely-capable income. She took out her anger on my stream, started poking and prodding at me whenever I was or wasn't live, and would often push me to the edge to where I would admittedly yell and act irrational, as I would imagine most would do. Obviously I shouldn't, but I had been dealing with verbal and emotional abuse for almost 6 months straight at this point. Of course, she wanted this, and she would record me acting upset after she pushed me to the edge and started to send the video of me yelling at her to anybody and everybody who interacted with my stream, and they slowly trickled away.
.
The community I had spent the better part of a year making slowly left, I'm left with maybe 8 people who stick with me. My closest friends I've made are aware of my situation, and they put together a fund of money to help me move away and get away from my awful situation and I move to michigan to be close to one of my closest friends at the time. This was a fucking DISASTER. Obviously, taking somebody with no money, and god awful mental health, and telling them to find and keep a job to pay rent is a terrible idea in a new city with no address. Apparently my remaining friend group at the time didn't understand this, despite putting together around $1000 to move me out there. I am then kicked out, forced to either be homeless, or contact my mother to fly back to Minnesota and try again there. I chose the latter
.
I've been back in Minnesota for the past 8 months, it has been so fucking difficult. I am living on my own, I can't get a job, I can't get myself to wake up, I can't keep my tiny apartment clean. I have so much pent-up stress and anxiety and depression that I struggle to get out of bed every single day. I am overloaded with immense guilt of the pains I've put on my previous friends by costing them so much. I've put such a burden on so many people by being who I am.
.
As I write this, I am currently sitting at a small laptop, the last thing I own, contemplating if my life is worth continuing, a thought I've been faced with hundreds of times throughout my life. I remain with a small group of semi-close friends. None of them truly know the extent of my thoughts. I cannot afford to pay my bills. I do not truly want to CTB. I want to survive and show it to everyone who has hurt me in my life, and pay off the people who had helped me, to relieve the guilt I feel about how much help I have received.
I am currently doing small jobs for my favorite content creator and streamer, who I am a stream mod for, to pay my bills. I do not think I will be able to pay my upcoming rent, electic and Internet bills, and if I cannot, I have decided I would rather CTB than try to dig out of the next hole I am faced with.
.
.
.
I cannot thank you enough for even bothering to read my story. If you have any questions, please ask them. I will do my best to answer.
I will post an update in a weeks time in the replies of this post, if you do not see a reply, assume I succeeded in CTB.
.
I love you.
.
.
Some basic background, I grew up in Duluth, a city in Minnesota in the US. We moved around a lot, never stayed in the same place for more than 2 years, and never had very much money. I had stayed in Texas for a while but don't remember much of it. my mother was homeless while I was 2-4 years old and I obviously have no memory of that period. Both of my parents are alive, but separated. My father lived in a town called St Cloud down south and never spent much time with me, as he also never had any money.
.
My Childhood was rough, I was often spending days to weeks at home either alone or without electricity. A lot of my younger years my mother was running the entire house off an extension cord to the neighboring home as my mother spent all of her remaining cash on drugs and gambling, and her fiance at the time would do nothing but yell, scream and abuse our pets. It got moderately better a couple years after that, after we got evicted from the house we were in, she dropped her fiance who was abusive to her and our pets, and started to take it out on me instead. She would vanish for 4 days to deal and take drugs, leaving me to watch my 3 younger siblings the entire time, and come home only to physically attack me and scream at me. My first CTB attempt was around this time, I had downed a bottle of pills and went to bed hoping not to wake up. It continued for up to 3 years before my father moved up north.
.
Once he had moved up north, I started to bounce between his and my mother's house every couple weeks or so, I never had any stability. The only comfort I had found was through playing the few games on my DS we were able to afford at the time. After a while my mother had started to get investigated by the police, and my and my siblings were moved to stay with our fathers (3 separate father for 4 kids, I was alone). During my stay with my father, I didn't really get a break. He was no better himself, where my mother used hard drugs, my father used alcohol, and where she would physically abuse me, he would scream at me and emotionally abuse me. He was bipolar, so a lot of the time he would flash between being kind and relaxed and being violent and screaming.
.
I put up with this until I was 16, before running away from home to be homeless for around 2 years after this. It was honestly one of the happier times of my life, I felt independent and relaxed, I had a relationship with someone, I had a couple close friends and had gotten very close with my girlfriend's family, to the point they felt like my own family. I felt like my life had finally turned around for the better, despite still struggling with Major Depressive Disorder, and the difficulties that come with untreated OCD, Autism and ADHD.
.
I was struggling a lot with my schooling, falling behind and panicking all the time, but I managed to just barely squeak out of it, graduating high school on time, despite missing half of my first year of school from my family not enrolling me proper. At this point, I am 5 years into my relationship, I have a full-time job, we are living together, and I have a large savings account that would take care of me for quite a while. I wouldn't be mentioning this if it weren't for the issue that followed once we were living together. She started to get more distant, and grew a resentment toward me, as I did her. This caused me to fall into a horrible, horrible depressive addiction spiral leading to me spending thousands and thousands of dollars donating to content creators and streamers just to feel like somebody cared about me or liked me. All of my friends were mutual friends with my girlfriend at the time, and as our resentment for eachother grew, all of our friends took her side. all of my friends had started leaving, all the progress I had finally made gone. My entire savings account slowly drained to nothing. I had stopped spending so much for a while, started to recover, and streamed myself for the first time.
.
My Stream took off, I get around 20-30 viewers in my first 2 months streaming, and am recieving hundreds of dollars in donations, and had so many people who were interested in talking and seeing me every day. I once again feel wanted, feel like I am doing well, and think I'm happy once again. I was streaming around 6 hours every single day, and working full time 40-hour weeks as well. it seemed like a lot but I was very happy doing it, and felt desired and wanted by so many lovely people. In about 5 months into streaming, I lose my job. This is during the pandemic, so it's near impossible to find a replacement. But it's okay, I was making enough money from Twitch to sustain myself, to pay bills, to pay for food, especially since I was splitting it 50-50 with my girlfriend at the time. I had a lot of fun, I raised around $3000 for my favorite charity and got a coveted follow from them, and felt on top of the world, despite my job being gone
.
Of course, being happy once again, something had to go wrong. One month I slipped under a 0 balance on my bank account from an automatic charge, and I got charged an overdraft fee. and another. and another. over and over again, until I had -$1200 in my bank account. They refused to fix the issue. I couldn't pay bills, couldn't afford rent, couldn't make it anymore. my no-longer girlfriend at the time was much less than understanding. It absolutely enraged her that I couldn't afford my half, despite my barely-capable income. She took out her anger on my stream, started poking and prodding at me whenever I was or wasn't live, and would often push me to the edge to where I would admittedly yell and act irrational, as I would imagine most would do. Obviously I shouldn't, but I had been dealing with verbal and emotional abuse for almost 6 months straight at this point. Of course, she wanted this, and she would record me acting upset after she pushed me to the edge and started to send the video of me yelling at her to anybody and everybody who interacted with my stream, and they slowly trickled away.
.
The community I had spent the better part of a year making slowly left, I'm left with maybe 8 people who stick with me. My closest friends I've made are aware of my situation, and they put together a fund of money to help me move away and get away from my awful situation and I move to michigan to be close to one of my closest friends at the time. This was a fucking DISASTER. Obviously, taking somebody with no money, and god awful mental health, and telling them to find and keep a job to pay rent is a terrible idea in a new city with no address. Apparently my remaining friend group at the time didn't understand this, despite putting together around $1000 to move me out there. I am then kicked out, forced to either be homeless, or contact my mother to fly back to Minnesota and try again there. I chose the latter
.
I've been back in Minnesota for the past 8 months, it has been so fucking difficult. I am living on my own, I can't get a job, I can't get myself to wake up, I can't keep my tiny apartment clean. I have so much pent-up stress and anxiety and depression that I struggle to get out of bed every single day. I am overloaded with immense guilt of the pains I've put on my previous friends by costing them so much. I've put such a burden on so many people by being who I am.
.
As I write this, I am currently sitting at a small laptop, the last thing I own, contemplating if my life is worth continuing, a thought I've been faced with hundreds of times throughout my life. I remain with a small group of semi-close friends. None of them truly know the extent of my thoughts. I cannot afford to pay my bills. I do not truly want to CTB. I want to survive and show it to everyone who has hurt me in my life, and pay off the people who had helped me, to relieve the guilt I feel about how much help I have received.
I am currently doing small jobs for my favorite content creator and streamer, who I am a stream mod for, to pay my bills. I do not think I will be able to pay my upcoming rent, electic and Internet bills, and if I cannot, I have decided I would rather CTB than try to dig out of the next hole I am faced with.
.
.
.
I cannot thank you enough for even bothering to read my story. If you have any questions, please ask them. I will do my best to answer.
I will post an update in a weeks time in the replies of this post, if you do not see a reply, assume I succeeded in CTB.
.
I love you.
