Venting I'm so tired. I want to ctb with SN

[InezSerrano]

Yeah I was there for a whole bunch of hours. I took 2 taxis. Seeing how hard it was to go and stay there I feel bad for anyone else in my situation that has to do the same thing really. Just keep asking for help and try to be communicative and articulate and it'll come. So basically, I should get some help. No medication though, not today, so I have to just cope without it. I ate chocolate instead lol.

They validated a ton of stuff but also dismissed some stuff(well 1/2, basically dismissed that I have CTPSD/BPD) but I will continue to push it. I have all of the symptoms of CTPSD, and 3-4/6 of the possible things that can cause it and afaik 1/6 should be enough. If I want help for all my problems, they have take it seriously. Probably its because I said I wasn't suicidal (which is kinda true and kinda not? it's on/off, I'm in recovery but also feel like I want to die and it could happen any time, they should ask if I'm suicidal in the past and make me answer truthfully or read between the lines), and because all of the symptoms are not stuff that spring to mind when I talk.

I talk about stuff that is happening/has happened, and my anxiety and so on. Not about the specific way I feel and stuff, which is all of the stuff that the symptoms of CPTSD are.
I can always go outside the loop to try to get the diagnosis, a friend showed me helpline but I need some privacy to make that call. Easier to just email my GP with all the symptoms really.

Not feeling any better, still anxious, still worried about my friends etc wanting to CTB, which is unrelated to my anxiety, just makes it more. And so on, I'll have to deal with feeling like crap inside still, but enough people told me today I'm not an awful person so that helps (just takes 1-2).
CPTSD

• difficulty controlling your emotions
• feeling very angry or distrustful towards the world
• constant feelings of emptiness or hopelessness
• feeling as if you are permanently damaged or worthless
• feeling as if you are completely different to other people
• feeling like nobody can understand what happened to you
• avoiding friendships and relationships, or finding them very difficult
• often experiencing dissociative symptoms such as depersonalisation or derealisation
• physical symptoms, such as headaches, dizziness, chest pains and stomach aches
• regular suicidal feelings.
  
  ^all 11, minus depersonalisation and derealisation but I'm a bit dissociative
  
  
  
• The types of traumatic events that can cause complex PTSD include:
  • childhood abuse, neglect or abandonment
  • ongoing domestic violence or abuse
  • repeatedly witnessing violence or abuse
  • being forced or manipulated into prostitution (trading sex)
  • torture, kidnapping or slavery
  • being a prisoner of war.
    
    3-4 out of 6
    
    
    
  • You are more likely to develop complex PTSD if:
    • you experienced trauma at an early age
    • the trauma lasted for a long time
    • escape or rescue were unlikely or impossible
    • you have experienced multiple traumas
    • you were harmed by someone close to you.
      
      all 5
      
      so idk, I just keep pushing.
      They do think I might be correct about my other self-diagnoses though.

I have very similar issues, have you tried any medication? I'm trying antianxiety medication right now, no strong effects yet, but I will post if it does. If you ever find a solution or would like to talk about coping with these things, let me know. For a while the best I could do was isolate myself, but now it seems I may need to seek employment or something, not sure how that will go. This sort of thing really sucks, best of luck. Hope you're still feeling better.