Venting I’m so tired and alone

[deletedaccount30982]

I feel so alone. I have people in my life but I'm lying through my teeth acting like I'm okay. Even talking about future plans I never intend to make it to to avoid suspicion. No one in my life knows how absolutely awful I'm doing. Not even in the slightest. All I want is to break down in someone's arms. I want to scream and cry and have someone I know hold me and tell me it's gonna be okay even though I know it won't. And I can't. I will never get that before again I die. It's been years since I've had that. I miss genuine human contact like that but it's not fair to someone to put that on them especially when I know it will not change the outcome. And I cannot risk someone interfering.

I've lost almost my entire life to fighting. I'm exhausted. I have no fight left. I've been out of fight for such a long time but had no success leaving. I'm terrified that I may survive this attempt too. If I survive this I don't know what I'll do. I need out. I need a hug. I need to die. I need someone. I'm so tired.

 

[hawkshorizon]

It's hard to hear your pain. You sound like a remarkable soul. I can only write the words here, but I'm sending you a hug.

 

[LapseInTime]

I feel so alone. I have people in my life but I'm lying through my teeth acting like I'm okay. Even talking about future plans I never intend to make it to to avoid suspicion. No one in my life knows how absolutely awful I'm doing. Not even in the slightest. All I want is to break down in someone's arms. I want to scream and cry and have someone I know hold me and tell me it's gonna be okay even though I know it won't. And I can't. I will never get that before again I die. It's been years since I've had that. I miss genuine human contact like that but it's not fair to someone to put that on them especially when I know it will not change the outcome. And I cannot risk someone interfering.

I've lost almost my entire life to fighting. I'm exhausted. I have no fight left. I've been out of fight for such a long time but had no success leaving. I'm terrified that I may survive this attempt too. If I survive this I don't know what I'll do. I need out. I need a hug. I need to die. I need someone. I'm so tired.

It all sounds very familiar... not wanting to connect with anybody because you know you have an expiration date. Sometimes we all need a motherly hug, some assurance, somebody to just "promise" that things will get better, even if they won't. It may mean that you want somebody to just care softly, without imposing themselves. I feel that this is the most "normal" and "natural" consequence of battling with any sort of mental health problem. It's all sapping.

Don't feel alone. It is normal. That doesn't mean it's not difficult.