Venting im so paranoid it makes me want to slit myself

[TheAngelBornInHell]

(not a very organized vent)
I haven't felt so relieved in a really long time because I've been clean for around 5 months now, but recently many things are happening again .. mostly me messing up my interactions and having some embarrassing behavior with my online friends.

recently I've been relying on my online friends for venting and ranting or overall just asking for help because I've gone something traumatic lately which has been making me feel suicidal, they're the only people that I trust and they help me go through all of this. But yesterday one interaction made me have a breakdown because I did something wrong by accident, as I found it "funny" so I did it, they say that they forgive me and told me they don't judge me (as per usual) + not to do it again.

this made me cry for hours because I don't know why I can't behave normally , i dont know how they view me truly after oversharing so many personal things with them, they practically know everything about me in addition to how I cant repay them back for their kindness.

all this anxiety, paranoia and feeling overwhelmed by how I keep bothering others is making me reach my limit, I want to slit myself for relief again. I want to punish myself for being so annoying towards others, I want to just make my feelings valid and the only way to do that is by cutting myself .

so many times I go in their dms and tell them "sorry for doing ___" and "please dm me if I'm doing anything that bothers you, I'm sorry" so much apologizing and paranoia . I don't know how to stop feeling so anxious all the time every little detail is worrisome, I can't go on without one interaction and ask them "are you upset by me?" when it's completely relatively normal..

I want to add on my birthday is near and I hate to think about it, I just want to kill myself before my birthday I can't handle going through another year of pain and depression.

I want to ask my mother whom I still live with for therapy. is it fine? I don't know how to approach her about it..

 

[Namelesa]

I have this problem too. I feel so anxious and paranoid about doing anything wrong and being too much of an emotional burden on others. I don't want cause issues as I base my self-worth on that so if I do that then that cause me to hate myself and make me want to die even more. I feel like I need to constant reassurance I haven't done anything wrong and say sorry for things that I often don't need to apologize for.

Does your mum know about you having mental problems and how has she reacted to it? If she isn't too dismissive and mean about it, I would say its absolutely fine to bring up therapy as you are asking for something to try to make you feel better.

 

[TheAngelBornInHell]

I totally relate with the reassurance part, it is definitely the biggest problem out here..! I'm so glad someone else understands how I feel, it's almost an inevitable experience for me, i need to go through it atleast once a week

My mom is aware I have self harm and suicidal thoughts or atleast intentions of. Last year my mental health was at it's lowest and she noticed, she asked me "Do you want a therapist?" and I ultimately ended up saying "No" because at the time she was telling me "YOU really want to tell a stranger all your problems but not to your own mom?" but it's difficult to explain to her how I feel even if she claims to understand me IN addition to the fact we were struggling financially, even if we still end up being struggling financially then I'll tell her I'll pay with my own money. ( I judt have been felling to shy to ask her for a therapist, many of my friends have been encouraging me to do so)

 

[HelloDarkness25]

Hello, I'm sorry you are going through this, it sounds like you are struggling a lot. I think it's a good idea for you to talk to a therapist - they are not a random stranger, they are trained professional. Your mom, as much as she loves you, cannot be objective simply because she is your mom. You can tell her that you love her and you appreciate everything she does for you, but you are struggling and you don't think she can help at this point, you need help from somebody who can talk to you objectively and who will be able to help you without worrying too much

 

[TheAngelBornInHell]

im very sorry for the late update. i talked to her recently about it and she agreed at first, then it was cancelled because she said i could be using the money on better things that weren't over a phase. i put it up on my latest post. either way thank you,