I don't know what I am.
Am I what I say I am?
Am I what I see in the mirror?
Am I what I see in my memories?
Am I what this disgusting world wants me to be?
I don't feel like myself at all....
I do things. Enjoy them. Then when they are over I feel so much disgust and hatred. A monster. How could I do that.
Why? How can that be? I don't understand.
I hate what I see in my memories.
I hate myself.
I hate this body.
I hate this voice.
I hate the facial expressions showed to others when I don't mean to.
How can I be myself if I can not control what I do?
It would we so much easier if I knew I'm just a human. A disgusting instinct driven cruel stupid animal doing what beasts do. Doing everything with no remorse like an animal. So easy.
But it isn't like that.
I hate being human.
I hate everything lately....
"I hate..."
There is an "I" in that phrase isn't there? I wonder if that's really who I am. "I hate the person I am and have been."
I say that. I haven't noticed until now that there is a separation there.
"I" the one who hates the "myself/person/me" someone else.
Self hatred is not logical or possible. No animal does that. Nothing wants bad to happen to it.
So that must just mean that the life I've lived. The animal, the human, the monster that I am. It isn't me.
If it was, then why everytime I want to just stop caring and accept being a human, an animal, I hear a voice in the back of my mind, as deep as it goes, screaming "NOOOO!!!!!" and fighting, struggling to be free.
Maybe that's who I am. Isn't it?
And I want to ctb. But everytime I do, this animal side goes crazy. The survival instinct. It fights as hard as it can.
I really want to ctb. But this human side does not.
I try to live. But the other side does not want that.
I end up suffering and living in this hell over and over....
What the hell am I even.....
I don't even know that much, I'm really worse off than a caterpillar or a worm. At least they know this much.
I don't expect anything from you all. I just need to vent. It helps me sort out my thoughts. Maybe this helps others somehow. But after what I've seen, I expect nothing from anyone here.
Am I what I say I am?
Am I what I see in the mirror?
Am I what I see in my memories?
Am I what this disgusting world wants me to be?
I don't feel like myself at all....
I do things. Enjoy them. Then when they are over I feel so much disgust and hatred. A monster. How could I do that.
Why? How can that be? I don't understand.
I hate what I see in my memories.
I hate myself.
I hate this body.
I hate this voice.
I hate the facial expressions showed to others when I don't mean to.
How can I be myself if I can not control what I do?
It would we so much easier if I knew I'm just a human. A disgusting instinct driven cruel stupid animal doing what beasts do. Doing everything with no remorse like an animal. So easy.
But it isn't like that.
I hate being human.
I hate everything lately....
"I hate..."
There is an "I" in that phrase isn't there? I wonder if that's really who I am. "I hate the person I am and have been."
I say that. I haven't noticed until now that there is a separation there.
"I" the one who hates the "myself/person/me" someone else.
Self hatred is not logical or possible. No animal does that. Nothing wants bad to happen to it.
So that must just mean that the life I've lived. The animal, the human, the monster that I am. It isn't me.
If it was, then why everytime I want to just stop caring and accept being a human, an animal, I hear a voice in the back of my mind, as deep as it goes, screaming "NOOOO!!!!!" and fighting, struggling to be free.
Maybe that's who I am. Isn't it?
And I want to ctb. But everytime I do, this animal side goes crazy. The survival instinct. It fights as hard as it can.
I really want to ctb. But this human side does not.
I try to live. But the other side does not want that.
I end up suffering and living in this hell over and over....
What the hell am I even.....
I don't even know that much, I'm really worse off than a caterpillar or a worm. At least they know this much.
I don't expect anything from you all. I just need to vent. It helps me sort out my thoughts. Maybe this helps others somehow. But after what I've seen, I expect nothing from anyone here.
