I know that external validation should be a nicety and that I need to rely on myself. I try to not base my self worth on other people, but I truly just want human interaction. I have no value placed on my own life, I've been working on that for years, but every time I think I am finally happy with myself, my mind decides to fuck that up. I truly think my mind is incapable of loving, or even just tolerating, my own presence. I think I will be stuck in this cycle of self loathing until I finally put the nail in my own coffin.
I'm too tired to keep looking. And I'm too tired of trying and being let down time and time again. Every time my life seems to be going well, it all goes wrong again. I don't trust nice things anymore. I'll stay lonely, it's safer.
I'm really sorry that's happening to you. Being lonely sucks I've been alive all my life so I know how it is. I also know how it feels to need help and not get it. I've need to talk to someone I am willing to chat. World is cruel, narcistic, and hypocritical. Wish you all the best I know how painful it is.
I know sometimes it feels that way. I get it. I was abandoned after I tried to kill myself. I have "friends" who barely respond to my texts/calls; and I had a "SO" who assaulted me. And yet with all that. I think it's worth it to try to find people who care about you. They can mean everything. You can never know what kind of people they are until you get to know them. But when you do find good people I think it's worth the pain of being hurt and abandoned. You can have nice things.
I get it. I've been having the same feelings lately and it feels so unbearable. And then you get stuck in this loop of wanting company, but not wanting to be a burden and feeling it's safer being alone.
