i'm so fucking tired

[bjop]

I'm sorry, this post is just me venting cause i've had a shit day.
I've been hospitalized long term for multiple reasons in the last three years. Because of it and my incapicity to finish any of my college years (due to exhaustion, depressed state or just pure laziness idk) i just cannot seem to find a job, even a student or summer job. I know, in my contry it's not so easy and i need to keep searching and putting effort to find something. But everytime i get to the interview, even if i have experience, even if i had amazing grades in high school and even during the time i was in college, the second i mention i had to take a break due to poor mental health to the point of having to be admitted, they're not interested anymore or i don't have the right official administrative paper for their company. I'm not mad at them just frustrated i guess. I feel like this shit will always make me unappealing to employers or even school or random other people. It reminds me that i'm a failure and that there's no going back to being the 'perfect' child that i was.
I've been really motivated to find any sort of job to keep me active, force me to go out, take care of myself and be responsible, and maybe i'm not looking hard enough, but being rejected just makes me want to stop trying again, isolate myself and let myself go. I'm tired of trying.
Anyway, i hope you guys are having somewhat of a good day

 

[parader]

i can relate to some degree :(
like being the perfect child but there's no going back to that...
i've never been hospitalized for long periods, how was it like? you don't have to answer if you don't feel like it
i somehow get a lot of great opportunities, i don't even know how or why, everything seems to just fall right into my lap and all i have to do is take it and do something with it
but i can't keep any of them for long, i get so anxious it's crippling, and then depression settles in yet again
feels like i'm never going to be able to have somewhat of a normal life, keep a job or anything
i'm currently attending a great university that doesn't cost me anything and has a really hard entrance exam, it's my parents dream, it's what they raised me for, and i'm just so terribly sad because i can't even make myself just get dressed and attend classes
therefore i admire you so much for trying, you've come so far and you're still trying to better yourself despite everything, it's HARD, i really hope you can find a nice place to work
it's ok to be tired, whenever you're feeling better to try again i wish you the best
and sorry for venting a little too :'')

 

[bjop]

i can relate to some degree :(
like being the perfect child but there's no going back to that...
i've never been hospitalized for long periods, how was it like? you don't have to answer if you don't feel like it
i somehow get a lot of great opportunities, i don't even know how or why, everything seems to just fall right into my lap and all i have to do is take it and do something with it
but i can't keep any of them for long, i get so anxious it's crippling, and then depression settles in yet again
feels like i'm never going to be able to have somewhat of a normal life, keep a job or anything
i'm currently attending a great university that doesn't cost me anything and has a really hard entrance exam, it's my parents dream, it's what they raised me for, and i'm just so terribly sad because i can't even make myself just get dressed and attend classes
therefore i admire you so much for trying, you've come so far and you're still trying to better yourself despite everything, it's HARD, i really hope you can find a nice place to work
it's ok to be tired, whenever you're feeling better to try again i wish you the best
and sorry for venting a little too :'')

you're so sweet, thank you for taking the time to reply to this <3
yeah getting used to being the perfect child (even if at that time i always thought i needed to do better...) only to completly break down when you're supposed to become an adult and actually do things for yourself seems like a common trope heh.

i would rather not get into to much detail on a random post, but in short it really depended on the place i was in and why i was admitted at the time. i have two good experiences where it helped me (?) but also awful ones where i got out worse than how i came in. it's 50/50 i'd say.
i feel you, i started with great oppurtunities aswell and couldn't seem to stick to any of them. you're lucky tho! i hope you keep getting them and eventually you'll be ready to fully enjoy them! that's me trying to be optimistic, but i really relate to your doubts about being able to fit into society's expectations, especially work wise...

can i ask you what you study and if you enjoy it? i tried doing the same thing: went to a prestigious free college, studied science just like every one in my family, everyone thought i had great potential and six months later i couldn't even get up in the morning or keep my eyes open during classes. i don't know the exact situation that you're in but i know it can be very difficult, especially when you've been told all your life that it should be easy for you. also, don't know what you'll decide to do in the future, but in any case, you've already done a lot and just for that you can be proud of yourself. as you've said, it's HARD and you being here and trying your best even if you're not 'perfect' anymore (and that's ok!!!) is really impressive. i hope things will get better for you, whatever that means.

thank you again for being so nice and for sharing some of your hope, i truly appreciate it and i was glad to read your vent :)

 

[parader]

you're so sweet, thank you for taking the time to reply to this <3
yeah getting used to being the perfect child (even if at that time i always thought i needed to do better...) only to completly break down when you're supposed to become an adult and actually do things for yourself seems like a common trope heh.

i would rather not get into to much detail on a random post, but in short it really depended on the place i was in and why i was admitted at the time. i have two good experiences where it helped me (?) but also awful ones where i got out worse than how i came in. it's 50/50 i'd say.
i feel you, i started with great oppurtunities aswell and couldn't seem to stick to any of them. you're lucky tho! i hope you keep getting them and eventually you'll be ready to fully enjoy them! that's me trying to be optimistic, but i really relate to your doubts about being able to fit into society's expectations, especially work wise...

can i ask you what you study and if you enjoy it? i tried doing the same thing: went to a prestigious free college, studied science just like every one in my family, everyone thought i had great potential and six months later i couldn't even get up in the morning or keep my eyes open during classes. i don't know the exact situation that you're in but i know it can be very difficult, especially when you've been told all your life that it should be easy for you. also, don't know what you'll decide to do in the future, but in any case, you've already done a lot and just for that you can be proud of yourself. as you've said, it's HARD and you being here and trying your best even if you're not 'perfect' anymore (and that's ok!!!) is really impressive. i hope things will get better for you, whatever that means.

thank you again for being so nice and for sharing some of your hope, i truly appreciate it and i was glad to read your vent :)

i was always scared of getting hospitalized, but i see some people who had both good and bad experiences so maybe it's a gamble really, thanks for sharing. :)
it is a field of engineering, i actually enjoy studying and learning but anxiety ruins it for me when it's university or career-related because i'm terrified of grades and performance
i just can't handle failure at all, the perfect children trope can relate a lot to this i think hahaha

thanks for answering, i hope things get better eventually for us both.