Venting im so fat i want to kill myself

[mafuyu]

no literally ok (using lbs btw)

me at 150: haha i'll never hit 200.
me at 200: haha i'll never get above 200.
me at 240: wow haha… that's bad…
me at 260: um…
me at 310: it's over

i have stage 2 hypertension but that's it as far as i know. i haven't actually been to a doctor in years but my blood pressure readings are consistently in that range.

i thought nicotine was supposed to curb hunger? because i do that too and yet i still eat. i can't eat a lot in one sitting, but i eat way too much throughout the day. and i can't stop it, so idk. i can lose weight but every time i do, i do it disordered. and i feel miserable, and then i gain it back anyways.

it's not even noon and i've eaten 1k calories and over 100g of sugar. i don't drink pop or anything, like i literally just drink water. i always thought it helped but i guess not? idk. and i had the serving size or less of everything i've eaten.

i just don't see a way to ever lose weight bc the way my brain works, and if i do, i'll have loose skin and i'll look like a freak. i don't have money to get surgery for that.

honestly i wouldn't even buy food if i didn't live with someone. but having a partner ruins all your fucking life plans.

 

[Enlighten]

It's never too late to turn your life around. There are people twice your size that have done it, so it's not impossible. However, it's not easy at all, and your environment plays a big role aswell. How does your partner view your current situation regarding weight?

 

[ClownWorld2023]

It sounds like a serious overeating disorder.

I had overeating problems in the past too.
Only after more than 20 years I found out that most of it is caused by a bad gut biome.
Specifically, the abundance of certain bad gut bacteria and fungi.


None of the dieticians in the past told me about this.
I had to search around the internet and read through many self-improvement websites to learn this.

Bluntly put and very simplified: Your gut bacteria control most of your appertite, what food you like, and how much you eat.
The other part is hormonal. (Applies to both men/women btw).
If you try to 'resist' this, then you will suffer. That too is coming from those bad gut bacteria.


It can be a difficult problem to deal with.
It will require a more holistic approach instead of the usual nonsense that mainstream dietitians tell you.


You need to find a good dietitian for this. And you will need to do a lot of research yourself to understand it better.

 

[mafuyu]

It's never too late to turn your life around. There are people twice your size that have done it, so it's not impossible. However, it's not easy at all, and your environment plays a big role aswell. How does your partner view your current situation regarding weight?

they're willing to support me in whatever i do

i just don't have motivation

It sounds like a serious overeating disorder.

I had overeating problems in the past too.
Only after more than 20 years I found out that most of it is caused by a bad gut biome.
Specifically, the abundance of certain bad gut bacteria and fungi.


None of the dieticians in the past told me about this.
I had to search around the internet and read through many self-improvement websites to learn this.

Bluntly put and very simplified: Your gut bacteria control most of your appertite, what food you like, and how much you eat.
The other part is hormonal. (Applies to both men/women btw).
If you try to 'resist' this, then you will suffer. That too is coming from those bad gut bacteria.


It can be a difficult problem to deal with.
It will require a more holistic approach instead of the usual nonsense that mainstream dietitians tell you.


You need to find a good dietitian for this. And you will need to do a lot of research yourself to understand it better.

i wonder if insurance covers that lol

i don't even have a pcp (i think i said that) bc i have anxiety over calling anyone for stuff like that. plus it's hard to find someone who doesn't blame every issue on being fat or having a uterus lol (literally my old doctor)

ideally they're also trans friendly but i'm in a purple state (best way i can describe being a mix of political ideology) and i'm definitely not in the blue area lol

 

[wildflowers1996]

my colleague at work said he used to suffer from binge eating and was very overweight. I never knew him at that time but he's now really happy, he goes to the gym most days if not every day I think and he's really in shape - I think what helps him is that he actually really /enjoys/ the gym - it gives him a dopamine rush or something I guess?

but I get not having any motivation - it's so so hard and I appreciate it probably feels really overwhelming; I think if you can find a form of exercise you feel passionate about that can really help but I know you won't necessarily have that. For me if I'm forcing myself I think I'd choose swimming and use waterproof headphones to listen to music

I wish there saw a pill you could take for motivation - I was prescribed aripiprazole a while back (I think it's a partial dopamine agonist) - never took it in the end (long story) but it supposedly might've helped with motivation levels but idk I guess it works for some people but not others

I'm sorry you're suffering so much it sounds really hard

 

[IWishToDie]

no literally ok (using lbs btw)

me at 150: haha i'll never hit 200.
me at 200: haha i'll never get above 200.
me at 240: wow haha… that's bad…
me at 260: um…
me at 310: it's over

i have stage 2 hypertension but that's it as far as i know. i haven't actually been to a doctor in years but my blood pressure readings are consistently in that range.

i thought nicotine was supposed to curb hunger? because i do that too and yet i still eat. i can't eat a lot in one sitting, but i eat way too much throughout the day. and i can't stop it, so idk. i can lose weight but every time i do, i do it disordered. and i feel miserable, and then i gain it back anyways.

it's not even noon and i've eaten 1k calories and over 100g of sugar. i don't drink pop or anything, like i literally just drink water. i always thought it helped but i guess not? idk. and i had the serving size or less of everything i've eaten.

i just don't see a way to ever lose weight bc the way my brain works, and if i do, i'll have loose skin and i'll look like a freak. i don't have money to get surgery for that.

honestly i wouldn't even buy food if i didn't live with someone. but having a partner ruins all your fucking life plans.

I'll just say, I lost 20KG in 6 months eating potatoes and fish, bananas and eggs, etc. plenty water, no sugary death drinks. This was when my biggest concern was belly fat. I'm skinny and crippled now so it doesn't matter, but it worked. Whatever you choose never dip below 1500kcal per day, if you ever change diet. Best of luck.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm sorry. I've always struggled with my weight too. Food is one of the only things left I enjoy, so I'm loathed to give it up.

I did once though- I lost 5 stone (70 pounds) over 2 years. It was really more of a lifestyle change than a diet. Basically, it was low carb and low sugar. No more processed food. Plenty of vegetables and lean protein. The weird thing was- it wasn't that difficult once I'd gotten into it. I was so obsessive though. Either way- I reckon I've been borderline on the binge eating spectrum and I was crazy obsessive about this too. It was 'The Food Doctor' diet if you're interested. I think the most important thing is determination though- with anything really.

 

[nembutal]

they're willing to support me in whatever i do

i just don't have motivation

i wonder if insurance covers that lol

i don't even have a pcp (i think i said that) bc i have anxiety over calling anyone for stuff like that. plus it's hard to find someone who doesn't blame every issue on being fat or having a uterus lol (literally my old doctor)

ideally they're also trans friendly but i'm in a purple state (best way i can describe being a mix of political ideology) and i'm definitely not in the blue area lol

then find motivation

 

[Spades]

This might seems counterintuitive, but the best thing you can do is forgive yourself and accept yourself as you are, which is obviously easier said than done,,

It's not about lacking control or motivation, binge eating is just one potential side affect of another broader issue in your life. If you don't address that, then the disorder will not go away no matter what diet or exercise you try.

The guilt feeds into the disorder and makes it worse, the stress of that guilt is likely what triggers a binge to be worse. Which is what traps people in a cycle of losing weight and gaining it back, its simply not sustainable.

I'd suggest learning what your other triggers are. I'd also suggest thinking about the texture and the taste and describing both in detail in your head, it helps to ground yourself in the moment bc during a binge people are often in a state of half dissociation.

I also have an eating disorder, but it's more a combination of restriction, vomiting, and a rare binge every blue moon.

I think it's so fucked up how binge eating is treated in comparison to anorexia or bulimia, your suffering is valid and I bet you're still very beautiful regardless of your size.

I hope you're able to see that for yourself one day,,

I'm sorry if this wasn't much help, I'm still struggling with an ED myself and I know how hard it is to learn to love yourself, but it's really the best course of action to leading a better life.

If loving yourself is too difficult, then I'd suggest learning about body neutrality. Which is basically appreciating your body for what it does for you rather than how it appears.

Being thin won't make you happy or satisfied, my hair and nails are falling out and my fingertips are purple, I'm so miserable. No one else should have to go through that, so please take care of yourself,,

 

[figurehead]

I can relate to a lot of that unfortunately. My main problem is medication, although I do eat much more than I should, then it's anxiety as well as medication. I've put on over 20 kg (idk how much that is in pounds) over the years I've been with quetiapine (Seroquel) Weightwise that's probably not a horrendous much but the resulting dissociation has terrible effects. I don't recognise my body as being mine, it's like being trapped in an alien body that smothers me. Eating with others indeed makes things worse, it's hard not to eat what the others are eating and impossible not to buy stuff that it's okay for others to eat but not for you. It sounds strange, but having an "understanding" partner is also a terrible thing. Mine says that he doesn't mind if I put on weight all that crap. They don't have a clue.