Venting I'm so ashamed

[Escargot Shorts]

i have a man who likes me for me. i have friends who love me. i have a job that supports my lifestyle. i have a family i love despite the emotion abuse i endured. i'm charming and likable and funny and i have a rockin bod. and yet. i just dont want to be alive. i hate myself. i'm so thoroughly convinced i'm not enough for anyone, i can't work out without thinking that in spite of all the physical exertion i put myself through, i'm always going to think my body is disgusting and undesirable. i went running today and all i could think about was how worthless i feel and all the men i fucked to feel like i'm worth something until i had a mental breakdown and was raped and how the only person who understood me is dead and how everyone is so convinced i'm so together and effervescent that i couldn't possibly be struggling with anything. i just wanted to die today so badly. but i'm so afraid. the only thing that stopped me is that my favorite cashier at my local supermarket wasn't there. he's so sweet and i love talking to him. so i ate tempeh and stir fried vegetables listening to dnd podcasts and thinking about what a failure i am to my creative partner and drinking. and tomorrow. i get the privilege of making a dumb amount of money hourly helping people all while thinking about while how much i cannot take being alive. i literally set up an appointment with my therapist today because i'm so afraid. but i'm also ashamed of being afraid of ending my life. i know i'm going to break so many hearts. but the fact that it's going to hurt people makes me even angrier at myself. why cant i just appreciate what i have. i'm so lucky and i can't even enjoy that i'm so sorry

 

[Escargot Shorts]

someone please say something. to commiserate, to tell me to end it all, i just cant take this alone

 

[GeorgeEastman]

It's not enough. It's never enough no matter what.

People who say it is just lie. If it was, they would just sit idly and be happy with never doing another thing ever again. They'd just sit there and starve to death without giving it a second thought.

Needing more is what keeps life going. A vicious cycle of stupidity.

 

[Escargot Shorts]

It's not enough. It's never enough no matter what.

People who say it is just lie. If it was, they would just sit idly and be happy with never doing another thing ever again. They'd just sit there and starve to death without giving it a second thought.

Needing more is what keeps life going. A vicious cycle of stupidity.

it's so true tho. i'm so tired of wanting. so tired of thinking that what i want to achieve isn't enough for the people i want to please. it's such a stupid thought. that if i'm dead they'll realize how much i tried. but it wouldn't be enough. a few months of sadness, maybe. but maybe she wanted this, they'll think. they'll think it brought me peace. i'll never know it. it's so melodramatic and embarrassing but ever since i was a child there would be standards and expectations i wouldn't reach. naturally. this would be a pattern i'd follow all my life. so what do i do? i find men who either expect nothing of me or expect me to fulfill everything for them. i perform for friends who think this is what i want. i've struggled so long to be understood. maybe this is what all of us what out of life. to know that our crucibles were worth something. even just a modicum of compassion. the cruel joke of it being that it isn't fully there until we are gone. we don't get to know.

two songs from literally the last two years that will stick with me are
Allie X - Little Things
and
Jeff Rosenstock - While You're Alive
"when you're a ghost, they'll sit around and talk about how they liked you the most."

 

[DeathBecomesMe]

Certain parts of your story sound similar to mine. I feel that being effervescent, having good friends and a family that you love, is something that makes you feel good, as it should for anyone. So that is a positive. And then I'd say, things like being in good physical shape, having slept with a number of men and less so, but still relevant, earning good money, are ultimately detrimental on a 'spiritual' or deep emotional level.

At your core, if you are similar to me, being effervescent and charismatic comes easy because it's who you are and it's maybe a reflection of you being down to earth and authentic. Authentic people can be easily hurt, and if deep down you see the bigger picture, you realise that superficial things like looking great and appearing to have the perfect life, actually bother you. I'm not saying that it's bad to look good and have a perfect life, those should be complimentary factors for any person, but if you yourself aren't satisfied, what could the problem be? It's a core issue.

In some cases, it's trauma related, like PTSD, and it can evolve from that into something very complex if there are contributing issues. Deep down, the realest of the real will find that in order to be truly content or feel fulfilled, is to care about something greater than yourself. It can be children, or pets, or a life partner, but being dedicated to something other than 'myself' is the ultimate generosity and it should resonate right down to that persons 'soul'. I know that's when I was happy, when I was selfless and thought that I was doing a good job of caring for someone else. I still have my girlfriend who I've been with for nearly 9 years, but circumstances have made me feel dead inside and I feel she can look after herself.

You say you help people for a living, if you are really helping them, that is something that should make you feel good about yourself, but again on a deeper level you feel something in your own life is missing and that makes it difficult to accept the worth you should be feeling. If you lost someone that was really special to you, it's a super tough thing to experience and a void that can maybe never be filled. When people go through loss like that, they may not ever recover and just learn to live with it. Something I'm struggling with.

But George is right, it's never enough, especially material things and looking good or being able to bed whoever you like, self-worth is more likely to be acquired by generosity, and devotion to a worthy cause that you really care about.

Nice name by the way, I'm not sure what the shorts are about but I have always loved escargot.

Edit: autocorrect their to there*

 

[DeathBecomesMe]

it's so true tho. i'm so tired of wanting. so tired of thinking that what i want to achieve isn't enough for the people i want to please. it's such a stupid thought. that if i'm dead they'll realize how much i tried. but it wouldn't be enough. a few months of sadness, maybe. but maybe she wanted this, they'll think. they'll think it brought me peace. i'll never know it. it's so melodramatic and embarrassing but ever since i was a child there would be standards and expectations i wouldn't reach. naturally. this would be a pattern i'd follow all my life. so what do i do? i find men who either expect nothing of me or expect me to fulfill everything for them. i perform for friends who think this is what i want. i've struggled so long to be understood. maybe this is what all of us what out of life. to know that our crucibles were worth something. even just a modicum of compassion. the cruel joke of it being that it isn't fully there until we are gone. we don't get to know.

two songs from literally the last two years that will stick with me are
Allie X - Little Things
and
Jeff Rosenstock - While You're Alive
"when you're a ghost, they'll sit around and talk about how they liked you the most."

Most people are stuck in their own little bubble and fully absorbed in their own selfish pursuits. Mostly, people just want other people to fail. That's why I think it's unlikely to be on the receiving end of compassion. In life you don't really have to achieve anything, it's important to realise that. It's of greater value to be yourself, be true to yourself, and worry as little as possible about pleasing anyone or living up to expectations. I've been like that for years, and I've found it to be an even greater social magnet and gravitational influence on strangers and peers alike. Someone who is genuine and not afraid to be unique and set themselves apart, even if alone, is really attractive and fulfilling. Well where I'm from anyway.

 

[Escargot Shorts]

Nice name by the way, I'm not sure what the shorts are about but I have always loved escargot.

thanks. it's a pun on "cargo shorts"

 

[JazzyWolfWhistle]

Apart from these feelings you seem okay. If you can just deal with these feelings you'd be okay. If you tried to commit suicide and failed in the attempt you'd be fulfilling a self fulfilling prophecy that you're unlovable by damaging your good mind and making yourself harder to love. I'd say that you should try some kind of cognitive therapy and see if you can't overcome these feelings. See if you can't watch youtubers who promote self love. Leave here before you hurt yourself.

 

[Escargot Shorts]

Apart from these feelings you seem okay. If you can just deal with these feelings you'd be okay. If you tried to commit suicide and failed in the attempt you'd be fulfilling a self fulfilling prophecy that you're unlovable by damaging your good mind and making yourself harder to love. I'd say that you should try some kind of cognitive therapy and see if you can't overcome these feelings. See if you can't watch youtubers who promote self love. Leave here before you hurt yourself.

 

[JazzyWolfWhistle]

And here you are, still viewing this thread. Imagine what it would be like to not have any hope you'd get something from viewing it and Imagine just coming back here addicted to reading the same thing, hoping it would be different but knowing it wouldn't be.
I hurt myself in a suicide attempt and now I feel I'm stuck and have to kill my self. Do you see how stupid that is?

 

[Escargot Shorts]

And here you are, still viewing this thread. Imagine what it would be like to not have any hope you'd get something from viewing it and Imagine just coming back here addicted to reading the same thing, hoping it would be different but knowing it wouldn't be.
I hurt myself in a suicide attempt and now I feel I'm stuck and have to kill my self. Do you see how stupid that is?

sounds rough

 

[JazzyWolfWhistle]

It sucks. I could be watching a movie or reading a book and enjoying myself if it weren't for a dumb impulsive mistake. But now I'm trapped here.

 

[Escargot Shorts]

can you tell me about what feeling stuck after being hurt in a suicide attempt means to you?

 

[JazzyWolfWhistle]

Regret. I wish I'd never done it. It was impulsive. I didn't know what I was doing. Now it's hard for me to concentrate and I've seen a different way of looking at my situation that others in the same situation practice that allows them to accept it. Now I don't think I can be like them because I'm brain damaged. If I could have come to this point of view before I tried to commit suicide then I might have found some happiness.

 

[Escargot Shorts]

can i ask about the difference of circumstance between finding peace (otherwise possibly referred to as "happiness) before and after a suicide attempt?

 

[JazzyWolfWhistle]

The only thing that's different is the brain damage. Now I regret my impulsive suicidal attempt. I'm obsessing about N and watching people, standing off to the sidelines. Wishing I could be like them. Happy.
Before an attempt you feel it will bring you peace. After you attempt and fail you regret it.
How will you explain how you've changed to other people?