Venting I'm slowly watching myself become a worse person day by day

[namemanthedeadman]

I've been suicidal for years now, but these past couple months have been absolute hell for me.

I can see myself become more and more self-centered and cruel, I despise the POS I've become.

I've got the rope ready and the spot picked out, but I'm not at home rn and it's killing me (not literally, unfortunately)

I'm thinking of going for it as soon as I get home, I'm just sad that my brother will most likely find my body, since he was one of the few people that still supported me and he didn't know I was still suicidal :(

 

[Nanimoaru]

Same,
I'm a toxic person and what do you do with toxic entities? You destroy them. As much as I wanna ctb right i gotta get through September


If you feel like this is the right choice for you, then I hope you find peace

 

[HGL91]

I've been suicidal for years now, but these past couple months have been absolute hell for me.

I can see myself become more and more self-centered and cruel, I despise the POS I've become.

I've got the rope ready and the spot picked out, but I'm not at home rn and it's killing me (not literally, unfortunately)

I'm thinking of going for it as soon as I get home, I'm just sad that my brother will most likely find my body, since he was one of the few people that still supported me and he didn't know I was still suicidal :(

What do you think has made you more self-centered and cruel?

 

[namemanthedeadman]

What do you think has made you more self-centered and cruel?

I think I've always been a selfish person at heart, never sharing, never truly caring about someone's problems unless it involves me somehow, but thanks to my constant need for approval, I put on this facade of a nice guy just going through the motions....It's not even that I dislike people, I love people in fact! Which is why it hurts me so bad when I fuck up at making connections...It's this lingering feeling in my gut that tells me everyone can see through me now, that I'm not as slick with getting away with these negative thoughts I have about people and myself as I used to be.

I am now waist deep into substance abuse, and I enjoy this feeling of escape wayyy too much to care whether or not people are hurting because of it, because I FEEL good for those beautiful couple of hours. I know there are people that love me, but we all know the saying that's poisonous for the mind, but it's true: "How can you love others, if you can't love yourself"...

I'm honestly still conflicted on why I've become progressively worse, unhappy relationships and a thinning desire to live are certainly playing a big role though.

I really appreciate you leaving me question, it feels really good to type this all out :)

Same,
I'm a toxic person and what do you do with toxic entities? You destroy them. As much as I wanna ctb right i gotta get through September


If you feel like this is the right choice for you, then I hope you find peace

You are speaking the truth my friend! I couldn't go through with it unfortunately, so I guess I'm gonna be around for a little bit longer.. Thanks for the positive words! <3
I hope you find peace as well :)

 

[Mr2005]

It's a pattern I've noticed on here sadly. People basically becoming what they hate. I think if you're giving yourself a hard time for it then that's a good sign. Others would never write or acknowledge this.

 

[Nanimoaru]

It's a pattern I've noticed on here sadly. People basically becoming what they hate. I think if you're giving yourself a hard time for it then that's a good sign. Others would never write or acknowledge this.

Agreed, if you can't be real with yourself, who can you be real with?

 

[HGL91]

@namemanthedeadman I'm glad you found my question helpful! What you have shared is not abnormal. We cannot full thrive as humans and be selfless, generous, and loving unless we have all the hierarchy of needs met starting from physiological needs and up.

I can tell you, I've had selfish thoughts too, and going back to maslows hierarchy of needs really helps me. I didn't even have physiological needs met back in April, so I needed help, and now that I have my basic needs met, I'm working on self-esteem, by going back to college.