Venus13
Experienced
- Oct 2, 2022
- 233
I was tormented daily as a child by my former military alcoholic father. He was brutal, he isolated us and made every moment we were in his home a cold, dark, twisted reality. None of my family functions now as adults. My mom and middle brother are shut ins. My older brother is horribly selectively mute. We weren't allowed to speak or laugh or enjoy life in his presence, so we all shelled up and all of us are ghosts now. I really had a formidable opponent to go head to head against when I was a tiny child. I was a little fighter though, and I always fought back so hard against his attacks. He would tell me over and over I was a worthless cunt that should off myself, but I convinced myself I was going to rise up and feel the lighter side of life. I really wanted him to be wrong.
But he was right all along. My only regret is not letting him kill me to be honest. I was a sick and neglected kid and my skin started to fuck up from neglect, malnutrition, stress or whatever when I was in 3rd grade and by college my skin disease had left me disfigured. When it all started happening when I was a kid instead of getting me treatment my father tormented me more, and I was left alone to try to figure out it. My body is ravaged inside and out.
The world hates me as much as my father said it would. It's not acceptable to be disfigured and the world let me know. On top of the scars I have these horrible irish genetics that makes me pale and look like a corpse. So I get to walk around a disfigured corpse looking monstrosity and people hate me. I look as bad as my childhood was, I carry on the outside the disturbing truth of my existence.
I pressed forward because I kept this little idea in my head that one day I'd feel the lighter side of life. I never let that go, it's the only thing that helped me survive as a kid. I never let go of the idea of God either. I had no parents or anyone else watching out for me so I leaned heavily into the fantasies that something was watching out for us from some other realm. I told myself God would one day come through for me. Now I can't fucking kill myself because I'm delusional. I've been on and off this site for 7 years. I'm leading the most undignified existence imaginable with this delusion in my head that something good will come through for me.
I'm so tormented and damaged inside and out, it's shocking to me. My psyche is ripped to shreds, psychosis, attachment issues, speech problems, ticks and stimming to calm down, agoraphobia. I've barely left my house going on 3 years now. What I miss the most is the feeling of wind. Forget the bigger desires like connecting with other people or having fun hobbies, I just wish I could stand outside feeling the wind and not feel scared. If I let myself cry out how much it hurts inside me it would never stop.
I really hope I find the strength to end this soon. I really hope "god" comes through for me and helps me release my soul of all this. I have a treatment for my ravaged scarred skin in May and I just want to get it and stand outside and feel that wind without being as scared to be outside. Then I'll let go. I have to let go eventually, this can't carry on.
But he was right all along. My only regret is not letting him kill me to be honest. I was a sick and neglected kid and my skin started to fuck up from neglect, malnutrition, stress or whatever when I was in 3rd grade and by college my skin disease had left me disfigured. When it all started happening when I was a kid instead of getting me treatment my father tormented me more, and I was left alone to try to figure out it. My body is ravaged inside and out.
The world hates me as much as my father said it would. It's not acceptable to be disfigured and the world let me know. On top of the scars I have these horrible irish genetics that makes me pale and look like a corpse. So I get to walk around a disfigured corpse looking monstrosity and people hate me. I look as bad as my childhood was, I carry on the outside the disturbing truth of my existence.
I pressed forward because I kept this little idea in my head that one day I'd feel the lighter side of life. I never let that go, it's the only thing that helped me survive as a kid. I never let go of the idea of God either. I had no parents or anyone else watching out for me so I leaned heavily into the fantasies that something was watching out for us from some other realm. I told myself God would one day come through for me. Now I can't fucking kill myself because I'm delusional. I've been on and off this site for 7 years. I'm leading the most undignified existence imaginable with this delusion in my head that something good will come through for me.
I'm so tormented and damaged inside and out, it's shocking to me. My psyche is ripped to shreds, psychosis, attachment issues, speech problems, ticks and stimming to calm down, agoraphobia. I've barely left my house going on 3 years now. What I miss the most is the feeling of wind. Forget the bigger desires like connecting with other people or having fun hobbies, I just wish I could stand outside feeling the wind and not feel scared. If I let myself cry out how much it hurts inside me it would never stop.
I really hope I find the strength to end this soon. I really hope "god" comes through for me and helps me release my soul of all this. I have a treatment for my ravaged scarred skin in May and I just want to get it and stand outside and feel that wind without being as scared to be outside. Then I'll let go. I have to let go eventually, this can't carry on.
