Im seriously so worthless

[loslassen]

I have so many blessings in my life and here I am being an ungrateful piece of shit unsatisfied with who I am and what I have.

being openly transgender didn't "ruin" me, but the way it made others uncomfortable has just made me feel all the more of a burden, I feel like I'm embarrassing enough, I look weird, I sound stupid, I'm barely useful at home and economically yet people around me give so much just to see me happy, but I don't deserve it I know I don't.

I'm sad to say I'm feeling slightly suicidal, I hadn't in a year while actively trying to better myself, but not much has changed, instead, since coming out and failing to meet my academic goals I just feel like a failure and a liability. I can't push forth with my transition because I'm too embarrassed and sad, although tut would probably be freeing, I can't even set goals for myself regarding it which makes me feel pretty limited. so then I'm stuck being this weird, ugly boy girl thing that just consumes and consumes like a fat little piggy.

It doesn't help things around me reassure me (even if they come from moments in which I'm wary) but people are so freaked out by the VERY FEW changes I'm making that I feel I'm drawing so much unwanted attention, and then I coil back to hating myself. Hating myself so so much, it makes me want to sh really bad, but then it also slowly starts to make me question why I'm even alive, which makes me sad because I know I still matter in the lives of people close to me, and I have a lot to smile about. but even then, how can such a person be worth all of that? I'm, disgusting. I'm gross. I look odd and I feel odd and everything just feels so wrong about me. I can't STAND the thought of detransitioning but I can't move forth because close people are so critical of it and I end up feeling so worthless like yeah you're right I'm embarrassing myself… fucking shit. I need to choke myself out or something. Fuck.

 

[mirrorlize]

You are brave to be alive when you rather not.
Sounds like you are living for those you care. I feel you, I plan to go when my family are gone.

99% of us are born just to be a replaceable cog of the society anyway. No one will care if a cog is broken, but your closed one can get hurt.

 

[loslassen]

You are brave to be alive when you rather not.
Sounds like you are living for those you care. I feel you, I plan to go when my family are gone.

99% of us are born just to be a replaceable cog of the society anyway. No one will care if a cog is broken, but your closed one can get hurt.

its sad that I wish I could be important, as in achieving something good for others in the world someday, but I feel like it's less and less real the older I get, how can someone like me make a change anyway? I don't *want* to give up but I just feel, less and less… real

 

[Mrs. T-800]

>how can someone like me make a change anyway?
Did you ever hear the starfish story? Here you go:

A young girl was walking along a beach upon which thousands of starfish had been washed up during a terrible storm. When she came to each starfish, she would pick it up, and throw it back into the ocean. People watched her with amusement. She had been doing this for some time when a man approached her and said, "Little girl, why are you doing this? Look at this beach! You can't save all these starfish. You can't begin to make a difference!"
The girl seemed crushed, suddenly deflated. But after a few moments, she bent down, picked up another starfish, and hurled it as far as she could into the ocean. Then she looked up at the man and replied, "Well, I made a difference for that one!"

I also advocate to watch this. Here are simple, everyday, slice-of-life changes.

It does not have to be grand – or, grand to you may be different to another; but any small action makes a change. You can and are a force for good, I believe in you and in this, and it is possible. There is some work in the world which will remain undone unless you, uniquely, do it.

 

[mirrorlize]

its sad that I wish I could be important, as in achieving something good for others in the world someday, but I feel like it's less and less real the older I get, how can someone like me make a change anyway? I don't *want* to give up but I just feel, less and less… real

Impactful changes are for people like Elon Musk and AI. We normal folks really just can't do much.

I guess breathing for your cared ones counts. Better make no changes than doing bad ones.

 

[Z0002]

Yeah i also feel like a failure, everyone doing something in their lives, and im just sitting and waiting for end
Im a parasite to my family and to this world