Venting Im scared

[Average Enthusiast]

Im sorry if I'm just yapping on but I feel like this is the only safe space I can talk about this without being scolded. For the last couple of years, I've been experiencing really dark thoughts, about ending my life. Sometimes it's more of a "what if I died" type thought but other times, and especially last couple months, it's more of a "when" or something I should do. I'm 18 and I've been having these thoughts since I was 14. And still, to this day, even when I plan everything, I just get scared. Scared that I'll suffer, and not die. I've tried to talk to my parents but they either say I'm making it up or it's just a phase. This has also been the same response to when I opened up about me being pansexual. I feel like I need to hurt myself but again, fear overcomes me. It's like an instinct, and as much as I hate my thoughts, I also hate my instinct to stay alive. I have no one to talk to about this. I'm jw what others think. Is this normal? Is there ways to build up to me committing, like self harm, etc. I just wanna hear an opinion from people who are in the same boat.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm sorry for the dark place you are in. Do you know if it was any particular event that triggered these thoughts? I find it sad that your parents aren't taking you seriously. Even if you don't actually do it, I find it odd that they're not more concerned that you are having these thoughts. Do you talk to your friends about it?

I began having suicidal thoughts when I was 10 but they were for a specific reason.

Do you find these thoughts intrusive or frightening or, are they starting to feel comfortable and a normal part of your thinking?

As to trying to 'force' the situation with self harm etc. I don't think that's a good thing to do personally. I think it would be more beneficial to try and work out why you started having these thoughts to begin with.

Ultimately, it has to be up to you on whether you want to try and tackle them and live or not but, I don't think it's great to start kind of experimenting with self harm. Do you have a strong desire to self harm?

Hopefully, more people your age will reply too. 18 is rather a long time ago for me!

 

[Average Enthusiast]

Hi, thank you for replying :). I've never liked the look of myself. I understand I have some good qualities but overall, I hate the look of myself in the mirror. Ive been getting tattoos to sorta tackle that too, on my arm and I love them. I've also always felt uncomfortable in social situations, I much prefer doing something on my own, but that's also not helpful Bcuz I can't rlly distract myself. These thoughts have become sort of a normality, and I've accepted that they'll always be there. It's a mix bag rlly, I sometimes do find comfort in thinking about my death, but that's immediately followed by discomfort and self hate. I do go through stages where I hate food, and if I'm even remotely full, I end up getting sick, mainly because ik that I don't deserve it. I don't rlly have close friends that I trust, especially with this topic, mainly because I just know I'd be called something like a "pussy" or that I'm not man enough. It's rlly just my culture tho, Irish people don't rlly talk about this stuff

 

[Forever Sleep]

Hi, thank you for replying :). I've never liked the look of myself. I understand I have some good qualities but overall, I hate the look of myself in the mirror. Ive been getting tattoos to sorta tackle that too, on my arm and I love them. I've also always felt uncomfortable in social situations, I much prefer doing something on my own, but that's also not helpful Bcuz I can't rlly distract myself. These thoughts have become sort of a normality, and I've accepted that they'll always be there. It's a mix bag rlly, I sometimes do find comfort in thinking about my death, but that's immediately followed by discomfort and self hate. I do go through stages where I hate food, and if I'm even remotely full, I end up getting sick, mainly because ik that I don't deserve it. I don't rlly have close friends that I trust, especially with this topic, mainly because I just know I'd be called something like a "pussy" or that I'm not man enough. It's rlly just my culture tho, Irish people don't rlly talk about this stuff

It's awful that men don't get the support they need or that they're even too afraid to tell people they are struggling.

From what you've described, it's kind of tempting to start labelling things like dysmorphia and perhaps the signs/start of an eating disorder. I'd say I've had borderline eating disorders in the past. I guess it's tempting to say- maybe try to seek help for those things. If you wanted to tell your parents, then maybe you are open to getting support? I just wish they'd have made more effort.

Sometimes though, we have to take the initiative and seek out resources ourselves. I did give therapy a brief try. I guess you could consider that if you think it could help to talk to someone.

People do sometimes get all funny when people suggest recovery or therapy on here. It's not to push it on you exactly. It's more that I get the sense that you're still trying to figure all this out still. Not that it's up to me to say when/ whether someone else should CTB or not. It's up to all of us individually at the end of the day but personally, I feel like it's something we ought to be sure on if/when we do it. I hope you can find a way through these problems, whatever path you choose.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

I'm sorry you are suffering with little in the way of the support from the people around you.

Remember when it comes to self-harm and suicide you never have to do anything you don't truly want to.

Do you think your parents won't shit on the idea of seeing a counsellor? Are there any such resources like that in your school, for example?

 

[Average Enthusiast]

It's awful that men don't get the support they need or that they're even too afraid to tell people they are struggling.

From what you've described, it's kind of tempting to start labelling things like dysmorphia and perhaps the signs/start of an eating disorder. I'd say I've had borderline eating disorders in the past. I guess it's tempting to say- maybe try to seek help for those things. If you wanted to tell your parents, then maybe you are open to getting support? I just wish they'd have made more effort.

Sometimes though, we have to take the initiative and seek out resources ourselves. I did give therapy a brief try. I guess you could consider that if you think it could help to talk to someone.

People do sometimes get all funny when people suggest recovery or therapy on here. It's not to push it on you exactly. It's more that I get the sense that you're still trying to figure all this out still. Not that it's up to me to say when/ whether someone else should CTB or not. It's up to all of us individually at the end of the day but personally, I feel like it's something we ought to be sure on if/when we do it. I hope you can find a way through these problems, whatever path you choose.

Yea I suppose in the end, I just wanna talk to people who understand, which is surprisingly pretty hard to find. I don't wanna be looked at as a dysfunctional liability, just wanna be seen as someone who does have problems. I suppose it's that instinct that does want me to get better, or at least be more on terms with myself. I might try out therapy when I move out of my parents but at the same time, do they actually understand? They're getting paid to be there, so it's just a job to them maybe? I am still figuring this out, just rlly confused on what I should do, if this will get any better, or if just ending it would be the best route. I suppose I'll have to figure that out myself, but I do like seeing others opinions on it. Thank you

I'm sorry you are suffering with little in the way of the support from the people around you.

Remember when it comes to self-harm and suicide you never have to do anything you don't truly want to.

Do you think your parents won't shit on the idea of seeing a counsellor? Are there any such resources like that in your school, for example?

I think my parents would do anything to avoid me doing that. My brother has been through bad mental health issues and I think they just hope he's the last one. Even if that means ignoring my problems entirely. They don't wanna come to terms that I myself have problems. I've been having these thought faw and I dunno whether to give in to them or fight them, but ik I can't ignore them for much longer. Each time I breakdown, I just get closer to that final move. A part of me thinks that self harm could sorta prevent that, but at the same time, I could get very addicted to it. It's just confusing rlly, idk what to do. Thanks for the reply

 

[LaVieEnRose]

Yea I suppose in the end, I just wanna talk to people who understand, which is surprisingly pretty hard to find. I don't wanna be looked at as a dysfunctional liability, just wanna be seen as someone who does have problems. I suppose it's that instinct that does want me to get better, or at least be more on terms with myself. I might try out therapy when I move out of my parents but at the same time, do they actually understand? They're getting paid to be there, so it's just a job to them maybe? I am still figuring this out, just rlly confused on what I should do, if this will get any better, or if just ending it would be the best route. I suppose I'll have to figure that out myself, but I do like seeing others opinions on it. Thank you

I think my parents would do anything to avoid me doing that. My brother has been through bad mental health issues and I think they just hope he's the last one. Even if that means ignoring my problems entirely. They don't wanna come to terms that I myself have problems. I've been having these thought faw and I dunno whether to give in to them or fight them, but ik I can't ignore them for much longer. Each time I breakdown, I just get closer to that final move. A part of me thinks that self harm could sorta prevent that, but at the same time, I could get very addicted to it. It's just confusing rlly, idk what to do. Thanks for the reply

Don't give in to them. As strong as the urges are it's clear that it's not unambiguously the right thing for you to do at this point. I think it's worth having that potentially awkward conversation with your parents. You're right that self-harm can easily spiral out of control. You're always free to always write here if you feel on the edge.

 

[pasho25000]

hello there is no harm in talking about your anxieties, and your fears when they overwhelm you accept them don't resist them try to understand them to make them a friend, we feel a great sensitivity in you it's an asset don't be too hard on yourself sometimes we go through strong emotions it's just temporary it's what makes us human you get to know yourself it's very positive although it's not always easy be kind to yourself

 

[Average Enthusiast]

Don't give in to them. As strong as the urges are it's clear that it's not unambiguously the right thing for you to do at this point. I think it's worth having that potentially awkward conversation with your parents. You're right that self-harm can easily spiral out of control. You're always free to always write here if you feel on the edge.

Sadly, I've had many awkward conversations with them about this, and it always ends up in an argument. Well, I say argument, just them shouting at me, saying I'm doing it for attention. It's gotten to a point where I just move on. I can put on a happy face very easily but whenever it does drop and they do ask, I just don't have the energy to start all that shit again, if you get me. I just say I'm tired or it's just school. Honestly, it just feels like gaming or music is my only escape. Funny enough, as much as people do shit on it, I would say that Cyberpunk did indirectly keep me content. I do often get sleep paralysis and I definitely doesn't help, but you're right, it's prolly not wise to give in just yet. Although it really is fucking hard to see life as the glass half full. Side note, I made an account on here a couple months ago but kinda ghosted it, but I'm happy I've returned. Already people are so welcoming and kind. I suppose pain does unite people a bit

hello there is no harm in talking about your anxieties, and your fears when they overwhelm you accept them don't resist them try to understand them to make them a friend, we feel a great sensitivity in you it's an asset don't be too hard on yourself sometimes we go through strong emotions it's just temporary it's what makes us human you get to know yourself it's very positive although it's not always easy be kind to yourself

I was genuinely so nervous posting about this but it's defo worth it. I am slowly understanding that ye, I do have to come to terms with it, cuz it's who I am. People are just dealt a shitty hand at times. It's just that idk how to like, stop hating myself, and I hate myself for that, and then that goes down a deep rabbit hole that I just can't escape from. And it's just hard to see that there's possibly an end to that, a positive end anyway. Thx for replying btw

 

[pasho25000]

Sadly, I've had many awkward conversations with them about this, and it always ends up in an argument. Well, I say argument, just them shouting at me, saying I'm doing it for attention. It's gotten to a point where I just move on. I can put on a happy face very easily but whenever it does drop and they do ask, I just don't have the energy to start all that shit again, if you get me. I just say I'm tired or it's just school. Honestly, it just feels like gaming or music is my only escape. Funny enough, as much as people do shit on it, I would say that Cyberpunk did indirectly keep me content. I do often get sleep paralysis and I definitely doesn't help, but you're right, it's prolly not wise to give in just yet. Although it really is fucking hard to see life as the glass half full. Side note, I made an account on here a couple months ago but kinda ghosted it, but I'm happy I've returned. Already people are so welcoming and kind. I suppose pain does unite people a bit

I was genuinely so nervous posting about this but it's defo worth it. I am slowly understanding that ye, I do have to come to terms with it, cuz it's who I am. People are just dealt a shitty hand at times. It's just that idk how to like, stop hating myself, and I hate myself for that, and then that goes down a deep rabbit hole that I just can't escape from. And it's just hard to see that there's possibly an end to that, a positive end anyway. Thx for replying btw

you are welcome

 

[Katdogg]

I find myself saying "Stop!" , out loud ...like a crazy person :) ...when I feel intrusive thoughts or a bout of self-hate coming on. I don't remember when I started doing it, but its my cope and it works ( mostly).

I'm glad you are expressing yourself here. There are many people who have been through a lot and are glad to share their hard won experience.

I have been escaping into video games too. I need that dopamine hit :)

 

[Linda]

Don't worry about being pansexual. I think that the recipe for most people's sexuality includes at least a little pansexuality as one of the ingredients. You might have more of that ingredient than some of us do, that's all. Parents can be remarkably stupid and insensitive when it comes to understanding their children, and it sounds as though yours are - at least on the two topics you mention. I don't know whether your thoughts about suicide will be permanent but - importantly - neither do you. So I think that ctb at this stage in your life might be premature. Perhaps you should wait for a year or two, and see how your life develops. For most people, getting a partner can make a big difference to everything in life.