MidnightDream
Warlock
- Sep 5, 2022
- 737
I think I've fucked up, and I'm scared.
I've always had issues with impulsivity, having been diagnosed with BPD at a young age and later also autism.
For me, this is almost like having another person living in my brain, which is just solely focused on trying to hurt me. On a daily basis, whilst I'm aware that I do have a relationship with the concept of suicide, I'm able to rationalise and not really think about it too much, especially now that I do have a plan and source in place. That brings me great comfort, and even strength, as I move through life.
However, every so often that other person will come out, often with no trigger or trauma response, and I have no control over that. And when I'm in that state, ALL i can focus on, is suicide. Absolutely no SI, complete tunnel vision, it's both terrifying and beautiful at the same time.
As I mentioned in my first ever post here, this has led to multiple shoddy & obviously unsuccessful attempts. I'm not even sure you could even call them attempts, however each one has gotten progressively more dangerous, and the consequences have gotten higher each time (permanent damage, police involvement, etc). I came to this site with the goal of teaching myself that impulsive wasn't the way, and trying to condition even that other side of my brain that impulse isn't the way to go, to hold out and to plan. Perhaps in a feeble attempt to safeguard myself, not because I don't want to ctb, but because I don't want to die in a state where I can't even rationalise why, where I can't even see or function as a normal human being. I don't want that side of me to take that decision away from actual me. I had hoped that research and formulating a concrete, but detailed, plan would allow the 'real' me to take some of that control back and fight back when I'm in that state.
Well, I had my first 'episode' the other night since I started this. Unlike usual, tt was triggered by a tangible thing (a random comment from a stranger), and combined with alcohol and drug use, this created a very dangerous situation for me. I haven't yet purchased the method I have planned, and I had hoped that this might pose a barrier to the other me, and force me to do something productive - ie, purchase the item, engage in more research, etc - rather than do anything harmful. Well, it did the exact opposite - She panicked. She went, for a lack of better word, feral. Not only did I cause myself physical harm, I rang for help. Of course, I didn't receive it, but this is now logged on my permanent health record.
I went for a doctors appointment today about something physical, and not only did the doctor refuse to discuss any form of medication with me as a result, he spent the entire appointment trying to convince me to make an appointment for my mental health. I was confused, until I saw my health summary on the side of his screen. The first 2 things in bold letters 'suicidal ideation' 'intentional self harm' and 'suicidal plans'. Fuming. I'm so angry at myself. I was at the doctors with a friend, and after hearing all of this, she forced me to make the appointment, which was only an hour later. I tried to keep it vague at this 2nd appointment, laugh it off, emphasise the rationality, but she didn't believe me and I'm now an urgent referral to the mental health team.
Fuck my life. This isn't what I wanted. I just wanted peace, to safeguard myself long enough to be able to make the right decision for me in the time I wish to make it. Now I've fucked everything up. I hate myself, I hate the other version of me, I don't understand why she's trying to destroy me and my life. Maybe I should just do what she wants and get it over with. Maybe that'll be for the best.
I've always had issues with impulsivity, having been diagnosed with BPD at a young age and later also autism.
For me, this is almost like having another person living in my brain, which is just solely focused on trying to hurt me. On a daily basis, whilst I'm aware that I do have a relationship with the concept of suicide, I'm able to rationalise and not really think about it too much, especially now that I do have a plan and source in place. That brings me great comfort, and even strength, as I move through life.
However, every so often that other person will come out, often with no trigger or trauma response, and I have no control over that. And when I'm in that state, ALL i can focus on, is suicide. Absolutely no SI, complete tunnel vision, it's both terrifying and beautiful at the same time.
As I mentioned in my first ever post here, this has led to multiple shoddy & obviously unsuccessful attempts. I'm not even sure you could even call them attempts, however each one has gotten progressively more dangerous, and the consequences have gotten higher each time (permanent damage, police involvement, etc). I came to this site with the goal of teaching myself that impulsive wasn't the way, and trying to condition even that other side of my brain that impulse isn't the way to go, to hold out and to plan. Perhaps in a feeble attempt to safeguard myself, not because I don't want to ctb, but because I don't want to die in a state where I can't even rationalise why, where I can't even see or function as a normal human being. I don't want that side of me to take that decision away from actual me. I had hoped that research and formulating a concrete, but detailed, plan would allow the 'real' me to take some of that control back and fight back when I'm in that state.
Well, I had my first 'episode' the other night since I started this. Unlike usual, tt was triggered by a tangible thing (a random comment from a stranger), and combined with alcohol and drug use, this created a very dangerous situation for me. I haven't yet purchased the method I have planned, and I had hoped that this might pose a barrier to the other me, and force me to do something productive - ie, purchase the item, engage in more research, etc - rather than do anything harmful. Well, it did the exact opposite - She panicked. She went, for a lack of better word, feral. Not only did I cause myself physical harm, I rang for help. Of course, I didn't receive it, but this is now logged on my permanent health record.
I went for a doctors appointment today about something physical, and not only did the doctor refuse to discuss any form of medication with me as a result, he spent the entire appointment trying to convince me to make an appointment for my mental health. I was confused, until I saw my health summary on the side of his screen. The first 2 things in bold letters 'suicidal ideation' 'intentional self harm' and 'suicidal plans'. Fuming. I'm so angry at myself. I was at the doctors with a friend, and after hearing all of this, she forced me to make the appointment, which was only an hour later. I tried to keep it vague at this 2nd appointment, laugh it off, emphasise the rationality, but she didn't believe me and I'm now an urgent referral to the mental health team.
Fuck my life. This isn't what I wanted. I just wanted peace, to safeguard myself long enough to be able to make the right decision for me in the time I wish to make it. Now I've fucked everything up. I hate myself, I hate the other version of me, I don't understand why she's trying to destroy me and my life. Maybe I should just do what she wants and get it over with. Maybe that'll be for the best.
