Story I'm Scared as Fuck, But It's Time

[Bea]

After decades of contemplating it, I finally summoned the courage to buy a gun. I recognize not everyone has such access, and it's easy to imagine how brazen you might be with a gun in your hand, but it's an entirely different story when you actually DO. At least, it SHOULD be an entirely different story when you actually DO. A gun is not a joke, and I hate to say that I've seen people be flippant here about what they would do with a loaded gun.
I have this idea that I should do it over a body of water for a double whammy effect ~ and even a full bathtub counts if you're small enough and scoot to the far end prior to shooting ~ but there are people. In my case, apartment neighbors.
Yet, at the nearby lake, there would be people, too. They just might be the ones who actually find me. It could be a child kayaking with his family or a young couple in love and skinny dipping in some remote private area. I mean, seriously, it could be ANYBODY. I would so much rather it be a situation where only police would be allowed in.
Of course, I can do it during the day when most people are gone. Even with COVID, a lot of people have gone back to work during the day. I could go upstairs and knock on my neighbor's door to ensure he is not home. I plan to aim slightly upwards for the brain stem (of course), so he would be the most in danger. I know he has no pets, and if I were to just knock and make sure he isn't home, that would be good.
Or..........I could let the whole idea of a body of water go? I could drive far away somewhere, aim for that sweet spot, and hope to god no one finds me too soon.
My biggest concern is harming anyone else.
But, I have a gun, have learned how to load and unload it safely, and am ready. Letter written. Affairs in order. I am ready. Scared as all fucking get-out, no lie, and anyone should be. But ready.

After decades of contemplating it, I finally summoned the courage to buy a gun. I recognize not everyone has such access, and it's easy to imagine how brazen you might be with a gun in your hand, but it's an entirely different story when you actually DO. At least, it SHOULD be an entirely different story when you actually DO. A gun is not a joke, and I hate to say that I've seen people be flippant here about what they would do with a loaded gun.
I have this idea that I should do it over a body of water for a double whammy effect ~ and even a full bathtub counts if you're small enough and scoot to the far end prior to shooting ~ but there are people. In my case, apartment neighbors.
Yet, at the nearby lake, there would be people, too. They just might be the ones who actually find me. It could be a child kayaking with his family or a young couple in love and skinny dipping in some remote private area. I mean, seriously, it could be ANYBODY. I would so much rather it be a situation where only police would be allowed in.
Of course, I can do it during the day when most people are gone. Even with COVID, a lot of people have gone back to work during the day. I could go upstairs and knock on my neighbor's door to ensure he is not home. I plan to aim slightly upwards for the brain stem (of course), so he would be the most in danger. I know he has no pets, and if I were to just knock and make sure he isn't home, that would be good.
Or..........I could let the whole idea of a body of water go? I could drive far away somewhere, aim for that sweet spot, and hope to god no one finds me too soon.
My biggest concern is harming anyone else.
But, I have a gun, have learned how to load and unload it safely, and am ready. Letter written. Affairs in order. I am ready. Scared as all fucking get-out, no lie, and anyone should be. But ready.

Wait, I want to add that I am only scared for fear of harming anyone else and for fear that I might be making the choice too soon (whatever that means). I am not, at all, however, afraid of death itself. I have made peace with that. I long for death itself and have for so long that we have become quite close. I am not scared of Her. She is my best friend, at this point.

 

[Donk]

@Bea it was a pleasure chatting with you in general chat. Sorry life has brought you to this point. I hope you find the peace that you deserve.

Go gentle into the night.

 

[VIBRITANNIA]

i think a secluded spot is your best option.

i'm glad to hear that you aren't afraid or forcing yourself to do this. i hope that your journey is peaceful.

 

[Isadeth]

I wish you well and peace, @Bea ... I hope you find what you're looking for and get the comfort you seek. My SI was never great when it came to pulling the trigger. Good luck ♡♡♡♡

 

[Ghost2211]

It's been a pleasure to know you. I hope you find peace and have a swift journey.

 

[After The End]

I will miss you Bea. You were a good egg. One of the few. I hope your plans go smoothly.

 

[virginiawoolf86]

I truly hope you find the right place and complete your journey in the most peaceful way possible. Know that you're cared for. I wish I had gotten to know you.

 

[MrAsclepius]

This is your time, don't worry about others. People will find your body no matter where you go.

Go in peace.

 

[checkouttime]

just a thought? what about a silencer? depends on the gun of course and well money aswell. A gun shot is a pretty distinct sound. I've fired quite a few different ones when i have been abroad. i'm assuming you have practised firing it etc.to get a feel of what the kick back from it might be like

like you said guns are no joke. i fired a magnum 45 once, now that had sum welly behind it!

 

[Giraffey]

I'm so sorry that your life has brought you to this point @Bea, and although I do not know you well enough for my advice to carry any real meaning, I nonetheless wish you peace on your journey, wherever it takes you next.

At the risk of overstepping the line, one thing that you said resonated with me. You said that you were afraid that it was "too soon" to make the choice. I wouldn't for one moment dream of trying to tell you whether this is the right time, or not; but I would urge you to drive somewhere secluded, with your gun unloaded and to take a few minutes, or hours, however long it takes for that clarity to crystalise in your mind.

Last-minute nerves are perfectly normal (so I believe), but this is the biggest decision you will ever make in your life and there is absolutely no shame in pulling back from the brink if there is even a shred of doubt in your mind - I did so myself recently, having sat with my equipment just a half-turn of a valve away from peace.

Whatever you decide Bea, again, I wish you peace and clarity and I'm sure that those here who know you better will have your back in the way that the wonderful people here always do

 

[Squiddy]

I wish you peace in whatever you decide to do

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

I hope you find peace ... whatever you decide.

 

[Final Escape]

After decades of contemplating it, I finally summoned the courage to buy a gun. I recognize not everyone has such access, and it's easy to imagine how brazen you might be with a gun in your hand, but it's an entirely different story when you actually DO. At least, it SHOULD be an entirely different story when you actually DO. A gun is not a joke, and I hate to say that I've seen people be flippant here about what they would do with a loaded gun.
I have this idea that I should do it over a body of water for a double whammy effect ~ and even a full bathtub counts if you're small enough and scoot to the far end prior to shooting ~ but there are people. In my case, apartment neighbors.
Yet, at the nearby lake, there would be people, too. They just might be the ones who actually find me. It could be a child kayaking with his family or a young couple in love and skinny dipping in some remote private area. I mean, seriously, it could be ANYBODY. I would so much rather it be a situation where only police would be allowed in.
Of course, I can do it during the day when most people are gone. Even with COVID, a lot of people have gone back to work during the day. I could go upstairs and knock on my neighbor's door to ensure he is not home. I plan to aim slightly upwards for the brain stem (of course), so he would be the most in danger. I know he has no pets, and if I were to just knock and make sure he isn't home, that would be good.
Or..........I could let the whole idea of a body of water go? I could drive far

I think gun is best way. High chance of success. Haven't see u in awhile. Hi :) Good luck and hoping u find peace. Also that u don't feel any pain. I would do it in a hidden, desolate, quiet spot.

 

[AlreadyGone]

I hope you find peace

 

[tidalwxves]

After decades of contemplating it, I finally summoned the courage to buy a gun. I recognize not everyone has such access, and it's easy to imagine how brazen you might be with a gun in your hand, but it's an entirely different story when you actually DO. At least, it SHOULD be an entirely different story when you actually DO. A gun is not a joke, and I hate to say that I've seen people be flippant here about what they would do with a loaded gun.
I have this idea that I should do it over a body of water for a double whammy effect ~ and even a full bathtub counts if you're small enough and scoot to the far end prior to shooting ~ but there are people. In my case, apartment neighbors.
Yet, at the nearby lake, there would be people, too. They just might be the ones who actually find me. It could be a child kayaking with his family or a young couple in love and skinny dipping in some remote private area. I mean, seriously, it could be ANYBODY. I would so much rather it be a situation where only police would be allowed in.
Of course, I can do it during the day when most people are gone. Even with COVID, a lot of people have gone back to work during the day. I could go upstairs and knock on my neighbor's door to ensure he is not home. I plan to aim slightly upwards for the brain stem (of course), so he would be the most in danger. I know he has no pets, and if I were to just knock and make sure he isn't home, that would be good.
Or..........I could let the whole idea of a body of water go? I could drive far away somewhere, aim for that sweet spot, and hope to god no one finds me too soon.
My biggest concern is harming anyone else.
But, I have a gun, have learned how to load and unload it safely, and am ready. Letter written. Affairs in order. I am ready. Scared as all fucking get-out, no lie, and anyone should be. But ready.

Wait, I want to add that I am only scared for fear of harming anyone else and for fear that I might be making the choice too soon (whatever that means). I am not, at all, however, afraid of death itself. I have made peace with that. I long for death itself and have for so long that we have become quite close. I am not scared of Her. She is my best friend, at this point.

I think if there is any part of you that feels like its too soon than you owe it to yourself to listen to that part since its an irreversible decision. As for hurting people, finding a body in that condition is likely to traumatize whoever comes upon it. I don't think there is a way to sanitize that part. I don't mean to be a wet blanket, I just think because of you have been so frank you would want someone to be frank with you.