I'm rotting from the inside.

[paranous]

Everything feels fake. Everything I'm going to do in the future and everything I've done in the past is meaningless. I just spend time entertaining myself. This prevents me from worrying too much about some bad things, but when I'm depressed it rots me from the inside.
All the pain I have suffered and will suffer seems meaningless. It's like I'm frozen in space. Everything around me is meaningless and I'm going to freeze to death.
I know that these periods will pass and I'll be fine for a few months. But sometimes the depression is so heavy that sometimes I throw up. I'm sorry to bother you, I can't talk about these things with anyone in real life, this forum helps me to vent.

 

[KillingPain267]

You're welcome here. Some of us love reading vents like yours because it sounds so relatable. I'm currently a little better, but I know another deep despair episode will come eventually. The emotions I tried to suppress will burst. The good memories I have from a time when I was loved and had hope will surface when the weather gets sunnier and cheerier, reminding me of how good it was and how bad my life is now. It's a cruel joke: good memories hurting to think about. Also, when it gets lighter and birds sing, I'll get insomnia again. Then I will start drinking to just sleep, but the drinking will in turn also ruin sleep. So for my next episode of deep crying sorrow and insomnia I need to have a method ready. So I am currently buying SN and meto and some drugs to hide in a safety box. Knowing there's a way out is the only thing calming, and I can focus on mindless entertainment to pass the time.

 

[paranous]

You're welcome here. Some of us love reading vents like yours because it sounds so relatable. I' currently a little better, but I know another deep despair episode will come eventually. The emotions I tried to suppress will burst. The good memories I have from a time when I was loved and had hope will surface when the weather gets sunnier and cheerier. It's a cruel joke. Also, when it ets lighter and birds sing, I'll get insomnia again. Then I will start drinking to just sleep, but the drinking will in turn also ruin sleep. So for my next episode of deep crying sorrow and insomnia I need to have a method ready. So I am currently buying SN and meto and some drugs to hide in a safety box. Knowing there's a way out is the only thing calming, and I can focus on mindless entertainment to pass the time.

I have SN in my locker and the thought that I can do CTB at any time makes me so comfortable that I understand you very well. Thank you for your comment, you are very kind.