Venting i'm really scared of losing my s/o

[juxtajuno]

i have borderline personality disorder which makes it notoriously difficult for me to maintain healthy, happy relationships. i've been with my s/o for almost half a year now and i feel myself becoming more possessive/anxious. i found out he was talking to his ex a little while ago (they talk like once every few months and only ever exchange memes) and it made my anxiety go through the roof. i've had problems with my ex boyfriend cheating on me with multiple girls and having an emotional affair with his ex about a year into our relationship, and it just made my trust issues astronomically worse. my s/o sent me a screenshot of what he sent to his ex and made it very clear that he doesn't love her anymore and just sees her as a friend, but it still makes me sick to my stomach.

they've dated twice in the past and he only broke up with her when he started talking to me. i have absolutely no reason not to trust him but i can't help it. i've gone through his phone once before while he was asleep and he wasn't doing anything even remotely flirty with any girl, so that eases my mind a bit. when i asked him to think about cutting off this girl because her presence was making me uncomfortable, he said he didn't care and that she was just a friend to him. i don't see why he keeps her around unless he's using her as a fallback for if he breaks up with me. i think i'm just being crazy, but i don't know what else to do. i've stressed myself out to the point of being physically ill for a couple of days now..

i'm really scared that he's going to replace me with someone better. don't get me wrong, i'm mildly attractive by conventional standards (i have a decent face and body) but i know there's plenty of girls that are better than me. i'm just so used to being treated like shit that i have no idea how to handle this. he's not a bad guy by any means and he takes amazingly good care of me when i'm around him, but all of my past trauma is making me an insecure piece of shit. ugh...

 

[CentreMid]

I'm very sorry you're in this situation. Not trusting your partner is certainly a horrible thing to experience. What I am going to say next may come across as a tad harsh, and I apologize in advance.

I can see several things that could lead to further suffering and escalation of current issues. Of course, I can only tell you my thoughts based on what you've told me, so I'm sorry if I'm interpreting what you say incorrectly. Firstly, from the sounds of it, if your partner broke up with his ex because he started talking to you, it is possible that he has some very deep-rooted commitment issues that will probably rear their ugly heads soon enough. I know it may be difficult to se right now, but you are not at fault for that if that is the case.

Secondly, you say that you have no reason to not trust him, yet you went through his phone while he was asleep. That raises a red flag for me. Trust is a two-way street after all. The fact that you did what you did, to me, seems like you don't trust him. Without trust, there is little room for any relationship (even non-romantic ones) to flourish. EDIT: I feel like I should clarify, I'm not accusing you of cheating or anything of that nature, but everybody deserves some degree of privacy, and going through somebody's phone while they're asleep is a breach of that privacy.

Thirdly, and (to me) most glaringly, you brought your worries to him and his reaction was to brush you off. Is he aware of your BPD and trust issues? Becuase if he knows and insists on acting like that, then that's very unhealthy. Communication and having the space to express your concerns is key for maintaining healthy and long-lasting relationships, and if he isn't willing to do even that, then there is almost certainly somehing wrong.

Again, I know it's difficult to see it right now, but in the grand scheme of things, you're not at fault for the things he does. Anywho, best of luck in whatever happens and whatever you choose to do next. Take care.

 

[TeflonMummy]

If he's promoting your general welfare and has your best interests in mind, there's likely not a conspiracy against you. As hard as it is with those nagging feelings that he's trying to manipulate you in some way, the vast majority people will not take the time to build up complex relationships just to do that. But I'd definitely have more conversations with him about how his relationships with other people are affecting yours. It's definitely valid to have no-contact with Ex's as a boundary. Something that really helped me in my previous relationship was trying to give them the benefit of the doubt when possible, though I know past trauma is very paralyzing in this regard. I hope the best for you two, congrats on 6 months by the way!

 

[SexyIncél]

Here's an analysis of snooping. But if someone suffering massive anxiety and fight-or-flight did that to me... cool! You don't even have to tell me, if you fear my reaction. Because my desire for privacy isn't greater than your desire for safety

But I'd preempt it in the first place. A sufficiently close companion of mine can expect to track my phone, see my non-sensitive messages (the other person gets privacy too), etc

when i asked him to think about cutting off this girl because her presence was making me uncomfortable, he said he didn't care and that she was just a friend to him.

Oops. Mistakes like this fuck up relationships. An ideal bf would consider your comfort a top prio

i don't see why he keeps her around unless he's using her as a fallback for if he breaks up with me. i think i'm just being crazy, but i don't know what else to do.

I think you're partially right, actually! A good social circle is important to maintain. Relationships need maintenance, otherwise they wither and die. Indeed, if you ever breakup, abuse or cheat on him, that network becomes his cushion so he lands soft. If he loses it, it may increase his stress and he even may start resenting you. And there goes your relationship -- the slow miserable way

You might want such a cushion too. Might make you feel safer, ironically improving your relationship!

That said, I don't know what "dating" means. Are you jealous imagining what they did together? If so, maybe you can console yourself thinking you took him from her? This may be a problem that requires good solutions

i'm really scared that he's going to replace me with someone better. don't get me wrong, i'm mildly attractive by conventional standards (i have a decent face and body) but i know there's plenty of girls that are better than me. i'm just so used to being treated like shit that i have no idea how to handle this. he's not a bad guy by any means and he takes amazingly good care of me when i'm around him, but all of my past trauma is making me an insecure piece of shit. ugh...

No, if you treat him great, you're no piece of shit. You're a human dealing with pain and fear. Your insecurity doesn't only hurt you, it may hurt him and your relationship. Important to find ways to heal

As you do, you may get the courage to joyously become yourself more deeply so that only a fool would drop you for some unknown girl

 

[grendel4578]

If he is doing something that is making you uncomfortable and won't stop that makes me worry for you, but maybe he really does just see her as a friend. I have BPD too ofc and always constantly worry since everyone's already left me, and I had an ex who gaslighted me and she abused me and ended up teasing me by flirting with other guys and left me, so I know how you feel. However, you didn't really see anything flirty going on in his chats with her so that's a really good sign (i can't do that with my s/o because she is online, so that kind of makes me worry sometimes), I think I always worry a lot and cant regulate my emotions and I guess we may have the same thing but then again i guess that's BPD in general. If he is really starting to worry you make sure to have another chat with him about it, if he truly values you he will understand. Try to be as sweet to him as possible to sweeten him up to you as well, you can probably get him to listen to you, I think i might sound dumb but maybe I'm helping, I hope so atleast. I wish you the best of luck.