I'm really ready to be gone now

[plushjuggybandit]

im so sick of this. ive fallen into one of the deepest depressions in my life. i genuinely dont see myself making it out of this alive. i dont do anything. ive moved back in with my parents because i physically cant bring myself to be a person. all i want is to be gone. the other day i woke up and have genuinely never felt so disappointed to have done that. i so desperately wanted to die in my sleep. the only thing keeping me from doing something stupid is the fear of how it will affect my family. everyone else will move on, but my family are amazing and they really do love me. and i love them. but im starting to wonder how long that love will keep me alive. i dont have the motivation to get better anymore. i dont want to try. im sick of trying and trying and trying and getting nowhere.

i just want my heart to give out while im puking in the shower. i want someone to find me in there surrounded by my puke looking disgusting and sick and dead. then people will know how pathetic i really am and it will all make sense. maybe if everyone knows how miserable i am they wont judge me for being gone. maybe theyll be glad im gone so i could finally be in peace. i dont see myself getting better. i see myself getting sicker and sicker and sicker. miserable and more miserable for the rest of my life. i really tried. i did. i tried so hard but its only got me to this point. my friend who really wanted to live passed away. its so unfair. it shouldve been me. i would trade in a heartbeat so that this life can be given to someone who truly wants it.

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds so awful what you have to endure but I wish you the best, it's very much understandable wishing to finally be free from all the suffering.

 

[SolomonKado]

im so sick of this. ive fallen into one of the deepest depressions in my life. i genuinely dont see myself making it out of this alive. i dont do anything. ive moved back in with my parents because i physically cant bring myself to be a person. all i want is to be gone. the other day i woke up and have genuinely never felt so disappointed to have done that. i so desperately wanted to die in my sleep. the only thing keeping me from doing something stupid is the fear of how it will affect my family. everyone else will move on, but my family are amazing and they really do love me. and i love them. but im starting to wonder how long that love will keep me alive. i dont have the motivation to get better anymore. i dont want to try. im sick of trying and trying and trying and getting nowhere.

i just want my heart to give out while im puking in the shower. i want someone to find me in there surrounded by my puke looking disgusting and sick and dead. then people will know how pathetic i really am and it will all make sense. maybe if everyone knows how miserable i am they wont judge me for being gone. maybe theyll be glad im gone so i could finally be in peace. i dont see myself getting better. i see myself getting sicker and sicker and sicker. miserable and more miserable for the rest of my life. i really tried. i did. i tried so hard but its only got me to this point. my friend who really wanted to live passed away. its so unfair. it shouldve been me. i would trade in a heartbeat so that this life can be given to someone who truly wants it.

You're not a waste of a person. I really believe some people just struggle more than others to try and function in this world. Some of us just have to work harder than others. It sucks. We feel like a round peg going into a triangle hole. I've always asked people who seemed like life didnt bother them and they always said they believed in something and always focused on things they were thankful for. I can't seem to get myself to do that because there's been more than bad in my life then good. Maybe it just means some have already found their path and people like me can't seem to get on it. I wish you the best of luck finding out your path and peace of mind to figure it out. Whatever you choose.

 

[plushjuggybandit]

You're not a waste of a person. I really believe some people just struggle more than others to try and function in this world. Some of us just have to work harder than others. It sucks. We feel like a round peg going into a triangle hole. I've always asked people who seemed like life didnt bother them and they always said they believed in something and always focused on things they were thankful for. I can't seem to get myself to do that because there's been more than bad in my life then good. Maybe it just means some have already found their path and people like me can't seem to get on it. I wish you the best of luck finding out your path and peace of mind to figure it out. Whatever you choose.

We feel like a round peg going into a triangle hole.

this is exactly it. its an endless cycle. i couldnt have put it into better words myself.
im getting help tomorrow, gonna admit myself into a psych ward following a couple "attempted attempts" the past 2 days.
i havent taken the route of a hospital before so this is really my last resort. if this doesnt work i dont know what will.
thank you for your support truly, i hope you find your path too and make peace with it :) i hope that whatever u decide to do brings you peace in or with this life.

 

[SolomonKado]

i wish you peace in anything you do!