I'm ready to give up

[Multitude6369]

I didn't know how to express the pain I feel. It's not some insufferable misery; I know that it should be manageable, and I've tried so hard. I've seen so many doctors and been to so many therapists. I've tried so many meds I can't even remember them all.
This should be easy for other people. I can't handle it anymore. I go to bed hoping I don't wake up. Because that would make it easy; an unfortunate accident in which I could finally be at peace.
People are going to say that I wasn't strong enough for this. They're right, I'm not. I've been born into an easy, boring life, and even this has become too much for me.
I don't want to do this anymore.
I'm tired of constantly fighting myself to do basic tasks. I've been able to go to work, but that's because I only work two days a week. Most days, I'm able to brush my teeth, but it's so difficult to even get out of bed. Every day I have to fight myself to even get up and eat. I have to eat for one of my medications and most of the time I don't even eat enough for it to be effective.
I've been lying to my doctors and therapists. Every time I see them, they ask about my suicidal thoughts and if I have a plan. I tell them the thoughts are getting worse, but I don't have a plan.
The truth is that I do have a plan. I haven't decided between night-night or hanging, so I've been researching materials for both. I tried to CTB yesterday, but I wasn't very serious about it. I tried night-night, but I couldn't get over how it made my head feel, so I stopped.
I tried to steal my dad's gun a couple of weeks ago, but I couldn't get access to any ammunition, so I put it back. I've thought about buying my own gun, but the one gun store I looked at doesn't sell to out of state residents (me), and I can't buy anything from my own state because I've been involuntarily committed.

 

[LostinTime24]

I feel your pain, I struggle to just do the basics just making a meal for myself takes me a day to work up the effort. I made a post about walls closing in on me and I do have to decide pretty quickly either to keep going or CTB I imagine your in a similar position. I wish you the best oh whatever you decide all I can say is your not alone in these feelings.

 

[FuneralCry]

I hope that I never wake again as well, falling into an dreamless, eternal sleep is all that personally sounds ideal to me. I understand feeling so tired of suffering in this existence but anyway I hope that you find peace eventually.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

If it's any consolation, although I really know it's not, you wouldn't be able to purchase a gun in any state since you've been involuntarily committed. That's a federal law, not a state one. Some states do have mechanisms to allow those involuntarily committed to petition for restoration of their (gun) rights, after a set amount of time, but it is a very involved and tedious process with no guarantee of success.