I didn't know how to express the pain I feel. It's not some insufferable misery; I know that it should be manageable, and I've tried so hard. I've seen so many doctors and been to so many therapists. I've tried so many meds I can't even remember them all.
This should be easy for other people. I can't handle it anymore. I go to bed hoping I don't wake up. Because that would make it easy; an unfortunate accident in which I could finally be at peace.
People are going to say that I wasn't strong enough for this. They're right, I'm not. I've been born into an easy, boring life, and even this has become too much for me.
I don't want to do this anymore.
I'm tired of constantly fighting myself to do basic tasks. I've been able to go to work, but that's because I only work two days a week. Most days, I'm able to brush my teeth, but it's so difficult to even get out of bed. Every day I have to fight myself to even get up and eat. I have to eat for one of my medications and most of the time I don't even eat enough for it to be effective.
I've been lying to my doctors and therapists. Every time I see them, they ask about my suicidal thoughts and if I have a plan. I tell them the thoughts are getting worse, but I don't have a plan.
The truth is that I do have a plan. I haven't decided between night-night or hanging, so I've been researching materials for both. I tried to CTB yesterday, but I wasn't very serious about it. I tried night-night, but I couldn't get over how it made my head feel, so I stopped.
I tried to steal my dad's gun a couple of weeks ago, but I couldn't get access to any ammunition, so I put it back. I've thought about buying my own gun, but the one gun store I looked at doesn't sell to out of state residents (me), and I can't buy anything from my own state because I've been involuntarily committed.
This should be easy for other people. I can't handle it anymore. I go to bed hoping I don't wake up. Because that would make it easy; an unfortunate accident in which I could finally be at peace.
People are going to say that I wasn't strong enough for this. They're right, I'm not. I've been born into an easy, boring life, and even this has become too much for me.
I don't want to do this anymore.
I'm tired of constantly fighting myself to do basic tasks. I've been able to go to work, but that's because I only work two days a week. Most days, I'm able to brush my teeth, but it's so difficult to even get out of bed. Every day I have to fight myself to even get up and eat. I have to eat for one of my medications and most of the time I don't even eat enough for it to be effective.
I've been lying to my doctors and therapists. Every time I see them, they ask about my suicidal thoughts and if I have a plan. I tell them the thoughts are getting worse, but I don't have a plan.
The truth is that I do have a plan. I haven't decided between night-night or hanging, so I've been researching materials for both. I tried to CTB yesterday, but I wasn't very serious about it. I tried night-night, but I couldn't get over how it made my head feel, so I stopped.
I tried to steal my dad's gun a couple of weeks ago, but I couldn't get access to any ammunition, so I put it back. I've thought about buying my own gun, but the one gun store I looked at doesn't sell to out of state residents (me), and I can't buy anything from my own state because I've been involuntarily committed.
