I'm ready to CTB, but I'm terrified.

[eciR]

Hey everyone, I used to lurk this board back in 2020 and nearly Caught the Bus with SN but someone talked me down from it over Discord at the last minute. Tbh, I hesitated and was hoping they'd say something that made me feel like there was some hope.

3 years later, I've ruined pretty much every opportunity I've had career wise, my relationships are all fucked, weird or just extremely shallow and I basically spend every day going on hedonistic binges of shopping, porn, drugs, etc just to feel something. I feel nothing for anyone anymore, I feel nothing on dates, I feel no love and I can't keep going. Everyday is the same, and I'm so sick and tired of it.

It feels like I'm missing out on the most fundamental aspect of humanity which is your emotional connections with other people. I have 0 deep relationships, nothing is fulfilling and I don't have any talents or skills to pursue a meaningful hobby. I'm genuinely too stupid to commit to it and develop in any meaningful way.

This all really vague, I guess my justification for it isn't the point necessarily. You can justify anything with any reason(s), my concerns atm are this:

1. Easily accessible method that is painless, quick and won't leave my corpse a gory wreck if/when my family sees
2. What happens after you die, if there is an afterlife then I'm almost positive I'm going to hell
3. Survival instincts. I am such a pussy.

I'm not sure what to do, I don't know where my life is leading towards but it's nowhere good. I can't continue moving forward.

 

[Tired Nacho II]

I know that feeling, all of them. I'm having the same issues.

 

[Alyysa]

if you want I can offer you support over discord

 

[Huntfish34]

I know exactly what you mean, heading down that same dark road myself..... Extremely lost and tired with life in general. Idk anymore, Fck.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

1. Easily accessible method that is painless, quick and won't leave my corpse a gory wreck if/when my family sees
2. What happens after you die, if there is an afterlife then I'm almost positive I'm going to hell
3. Survival instincts. I am such a pussy.

Defeating SI is very difficult in any case. What happens after death depends mainly on what you personally believe. For suitable methods I suggest to look in the Suicide Resource Compilation. There are still peaceful and almoost painless methods available. I hope you can find peace!

 

[Cute_&_Loving]

I'm very sorry, dear, you're feeling that awful. I really can relate. Please, don't take it the wrong way, I'm not trying to talk you out of anything, but it feels like you're not really ready to go yet. I understand if you want to, but I don't think you're actually ready…. Do you need to talk maybe?….

 

[eciR]

Don't be totally reliant on other people, they come and go..besides your general notion, it isn't just a 'descision', if you seem never to be open for 'them', it isn't the time of day for you to fall into a relationship, today, or tomorrow.
These things don't neglect your reality, and what you exemplify of a day to day life proves this. The door is always open if you're willing to take the time. Shoot the dice.

Peace is what I want. Peace will come if I die, peace will come to this world if I die.

 

[FuneralCry]

True peace from this existence is certainly what sounds ideal to me as well, I wish it was much easier to permanently escape from all the suffering. But anyway best wishes, I hope that you eventually find what you search for.

 

[eciR]

I'm very sorry, dear, you're feeling that awful. I really can relate. Please, don't take it the wrong way, I'm not trying to talk you out of anything, but it feels like you're not really ready to go yet. I understand if you want to, but I don't think you're actually ready…. Do you need to talk maybe?….

I think its logical for me to kill myself I wish life were better, I wish I was better and wish my brain wasn't so fucked. I wish I was anyone else I can't even begin to describe how muchh ifucking hate myself
I ordered SN today my parents dont know they're trying to watch me to keep me alive but i just cant do this i cant do this to them im a fucking failure

 

[Cute_&_Loving]

I think its logical for me to kill myself I wish life were better, I wish I was better and wish my brain wasn't so fucked. I wish I was anyone else I can't even begin to describe how muchh ifucking hate myself
I ordered SN today my parents dont know they're trying to watch me to keep me alive but i just cant do this i cant do this to them im a fucking failure

I'm not saying you don't want to. I believe you do. And I believe you think it's your only option. But I'm saying that maybe mentally you're not 100% ready. Bc I used to know a guy here who couldn't wait to go. But he had some business he had to take care of. And when he had to postpone his date he got really upset. That's what I call fully ready…..
cuz I gotta say, I don't find myself 100% ready. I've been sitting on my SN bag since 2020 I think?….

 

[BlazingBob]

I share all of those concerns too. I also know all about self hate. My own dad has actually encouraged me to ctb many times.