I'm ready but something is holding me back

[ijustwantout]

I want to CTB. I have tried it before. I cut my hand and I took amitriptyline and some sleeping pills at the same time. But it didn't work. The dosage was too small and I guess the cuts weren't too deep. It was just painful to cut with the razor. I took therapy for sometime after my parents found out. I'm living on an island. I'm not from here but I'm living here. It's been almost 10 years being surrounded by water. The girl I love is far away and I think I can sense her pushing herself away from me. I can understand. I'm not there. I feel like my life is a waste. It's a loop. I'm 18 but I won't graduate till the year is over. But I'm not that smart either. I have a lot of problems. I've been in therapy for a long time but I feel no change. I want to end this. I want to CTB. That's why I came here for help. I'm done with this world. I want to disappear. I'm close to hanging myself but the part holding me back is telling me wait ... That it might get better. But I don't know. I don't want my plan to CTB to be foiled like last time. I can't get SN or things like that. My only option is to hang or to tie a rock to myself and drown in the big ocean that's around here. So yea. I chose the date to be Feb 22. If nothing changes by then then I'll make sure I'll run and catch the bus. So I was looking for tips. Any are much appreciated

 

[hikikomorizombie]

i'm personally not a fan of hanging. i'd say take a bunch of sleeping pills, & once u start to feel drowsy get in the tub to drown while unconscious. or if u can order a helium tank + tube/CPAP mask online, that's the best way to kys, imo.

also i'd say if u still have hope for things to get better, wait till u know it won't. feel like that'd take longer than a month, it took me years. knowing that kys is the only logical option left kinda helps w the fear.

 

[hannila_m]

I feel you deeply... And I'm really sorry you are experiencing all of this. I am too scared to CTB yetL:(. but I'm thinking od BDO by rectal admission.

 

[ijustwantout]

i'm personally not a fan of hanging. i'd say take a bunch of sleeping pills, & once u start to feel drowsy get in the tub to drown while unconscious. or if u can order a helium tank + tube/CPAP mask on Amazon, that's the best way to kys, imo.

also i'd say if u still have hope for things to get better, wait till u know it won't. that's what i did, & knowing that kys is the only logical option left kinda helps w the fear

My biggest annoyance is that I'm on an island and I can't order anything to kms. Amazon doesn't even work here. I do like the sleeping pills idea. I don't have a bathtub either but I'm surrounded by ocean so I guess I could go for that. I chose hanging because I'm always alone in my house. And no one will check up on me for hours if I hang in my room. I've tried to make myself pass out using my hands but it just increases the blood pressure in my head and leaves some marks on my neck. Living feels miserable and dying feels impossible. That's my problem. That's why I'm here.

 

[SVEN]

Only "tip" I'd offer would be to wait until you are totally sure you want to go. Please don't let a random date push you into a one way action.
Maybe have a look on the Recovery section, see a couple of threads on there if you are undecided.
Otherwise, have a look round the site for information on hanging. Best wishes whatever you decide.

 

[ijustwantout]

I feel you deeply... And I'm really sorry you are experiencing all of this. I am too scared to CTB yetL:(. but I'm thinking od BDO by rectal admission.

I hope you find your peace as well. It just feels impossible to be happy. No matter what happens all the happiness just ends. Happiness is short and it pains when it ends

Only "tip" I'd offer would be to wait until you are totally sure you want to go. Please don't let a random date push you into a one way action.
Maybe have a look on the Recovery section, see a couple of threads on there if you are undecided.
Otherwise, have a look round the site for information on hanging. Best wishes whatever you decide.

Thank you

 

[hikikomorizombie]

My biggest annoyance is that I'm on an island and I can't order anything to kms. Amazon doesn't even work here. I do like the sleeping pills idea. I don't have a bathtub either.

oh wow. your situation is def unique. i can see why u feel trapped. a lot of ppl here advocate for hanging as a method, but i'm unfortunately not 1 of them so idk any advice to give u regarding it :(

does ur island have a gun store??

 

[ijustwantout]

oh wow. your situation is def unique. i can see why u feel trapped. a lot of ppl here advocate for hanging as a method, but i'm unfortunately not 1 of them so idk any advice to give u regarding it :(

does ur island have a gun store??

It's a Muslim country. I'm a Christian. No offense against them. It's not there fault I got stuck here. So as you can imagine. Not even an alcohol store here .

 

[itchygator]

I feel you deeply... And I'm really sorry you are experiencing all of this. I am too scared to CTB yetL:(. but I'm thinking od BDO by rectal admission.

Hey what's CTB stand for? I realize the meaning.

 

[dggtscccvfd]

Hey what's CTB stand for? I realize the meaning.

Catch the bus. It's a euphemism for killing yourself.

 

[itchygator]

Catch the bus. It's a euphemism for killing yourself.

At first I thought, Ah Haa! "Kick the bucket!" Wait..no. Lol