FlankerSandwhich
Professional Rat Lover
- Jan 10, 2025
- 13
I'm a college student, but I spend all day in bed. I have no job, my test scores are terrible, and quite frankly I don't deserve to live.
I do aeronautical engineering, and I know the course SHOULD be hard, but it feels a little much. There are so many lectures, and practice classes, and more lectures, and the lectures are so fast and dense that you can't ever keep up. I'm in my 4th semester now (2and year, semester 2), and there's a pattern that has come up repeatedly: start off strong, get burnt out after ~3 weeks, have a day where I stay in and don't do anything, feel guilty and scared to catch up, hate myself. Its the same every time, and I'm left playing catch up for exams and hating myself for failing stuff I could easily pass
I don't think its wrong to struggle, but to consistently fail in the same way without improvement or change is wrong. I should've sorted myself out by now, I needed to have. I'm burning so much of my parents money by simply existing, and I have nothing to show from it. And now, I'm just a lazy bum that lies in bed all day and does nothing, its truly pathetic and I should be ashamed.
I'm also jobless. I've wanted a job for years, just an entry level one would do, but have consistently failed again and again and again. I know I'm the problem since I'm always so reluctant to use stupid buzzwords, and my CV is garbage, and I'm just a terrible candidate. I have the ability to chose better, and I don't because of pride. But that money could really help me and my family. Why can't I work hard? Why can't I just be good?
I'm also just a bad person. I'm selfish and cry over every minor roadblock. I'm sure you can tell, but I'm lazy as hell. I don't donate to charity, nor do I help the homeless. I'm not even fun to be around because I talk about my problems and don't help others with theirs. I'm boring, weird, awkward and annoying, and I make problems out of nothing. I sh and eat poorly for attention, I cry about being depressed when my life is good, I'm genuinely terrible. I'm terrible
I don't really want pity or support because I KNOW I don't deserve it. My life has been nothing but blessings, and I have every ability to be a model student with a job. But I'm not, and its not anyone's fault but mine. I should feel guilty, I should be punished. Its not my lack of results that are the problem, its my poor attitude.
I have a job that I'm applying for right now, and if I don't get it, I might just buy a rope and hang myself. I don't even want to die either; I've been mentally well for a little bit now, which makes me feel horrible because, with how I am, I should want to die. But I don't, and that's wrong. But I want to stir up the courage to do it, and hopefully make the world a better place for it. It would be the one time I could take accountability.
Edit: holy yap, I speak too much
I do aeronautical engineering, and I know the course SHOULD be hard, but it feels a little much. There are so many lectures, and practice classes, and more lectures, and the lectures are so fast and dense that you can't ever keep up. I'm in my 4th semester now (2and year, semester 2), and there's a pattern that has come up repeatedly: start off strong, get burnt out after ~3 weeks, have a day where I stay in and don't do anything, feel guilty and scared to catch up, hate myself. Its the same every time, and I'm left playing catch up for exams and hating myself for failing stuff I could easily pass
I don't think its wrong to struggle, but to consistently fail in the same way without improvement or change is wrong. I should've sorted myself out by now, I needed to have. I'm burning so much of my parents money by simply existing, and I have nothing to show from it. And now, I'm just a lazy bum that lies in bed all day and does nothing, its truly pathetic and I should be ashamed.
I'm also jobless. I've wanted a job for years, just an entry level one would do, but have consistently failed again and again and again. I know I'm the problem since I'm always so reluctant to use stupid buzzwords, and my CV is garbage, and I'm just a terrible candidate. I have the ability to chose better, and I don't because of pride. But that money could really help me and my family. Why can't I work hard? Why can't I just be good?
I'm also just a bad person. I'm selfish and cry over every minor roadblock. I'm sure you can tell, but I'm lazy as hell. I don't donate to charity, nor do I help the homeless. I'm not even fun to be around because I talk about my problems and don't help others with theirs. I'm boring, weird, awkward and annoying, and I make problems out of nothing. I sh and eat poorly for attention, I cry about being depressed when my life is good, I'm genuinely terrible. I'm terrible
I don't really want pity or support because I KNOW I don't deserve it. My life has been nothing but blessings, and I have every ability to be a model student with a job. But I'm not, and its not anyone's fault but mine. I should feel guilty, I should be punished. Its not my lack of results that are the problem, its my poor attitude.
I have a job that I'm applying for right now, and if I don't get it, I might just buy a rope and hang myself. I don't even want to die either; I've been mentally well for a little bit now, which makes me feel horrible because, with how I am, I should want to die. But I don't, and that's wrong. But I want to stir up the courage to do it, and hopefully make the world a better place for it. It would be the one time I could take accountability.
Edit: holy yap, I speak too much
