I'm on a 51/50 going to Psych FML

[Erase.myself]

I'm sitting here in hospital bed on a 51/50 hold with an ass security guard staring at me . Im so fucking pissed at myself right now. I STUPIDLY told my therapist my suicide plan, how I've been feeling, how I've come to terms with this decision, etc. Now I'm on a goddamn hold even though I don't even have SN yet. I'm not in immediate danger to myself.


I deeply, deeply regret telling my therapist this. Fucked up thing is, I wear my heart on my sleeve, have trouble lying, people see right through me, and I kind of just broke down in therapy today. Im pissed because now I'm being stopped in the midst of planning, but when I'm out of psych I can continue my plan. Now I can't smoke cigarettes anymore, I'm going through heroin withdrawals and just wanna take a bath, and I may being going to a shit creepy hospital.

I was in psych hospital last June due to an attempt after my twin sister died and that hospital was horrible and made me feel worse. I was in another psych hospital only a few weeks ago that actually was nice but they're full. What the fucking hell is wrong with me to open my fat mouth?! I don't understand why I can't just be fake and pretend everything is great. I apologise for the rant; I'm just so mad at myself for putting myself in this position and don't know where to turn.

 

[MartyByrde]

Fwiw, I just think you're behaving like a human being. It's the horrible systems in place that create and make problems worse. I hope you can get into a decent hospital, and receive effective treatment. Kicking the h is hell, but worth it in the long run.

 

[amygdala]

That really sucks! I find myself exhibiting similar behaviors so I understand the frustration.

I agree with MartyByrde. I think it's understandable to give in to impulses in the moment like that. The shortsighted desire for relief can easily overpower the long term goal of CTB. At least that's how I think abut it.

Stay strong and try not to be too hard on yourself.

 

[Oyoy]

I really hope you don't blame yourself for this. I wish you the best!

 

[Erase.myself]

Fwiw, I just think you're behaving like a human being. It's the horrible systems in place that create and make problems worse. I hope you can get into a decent hospital, and receive effective treatment. Kicking the h is hell, but worth it in the long run.

Thank you very much for being so supportive. I'll keep updating on here

 

[avoid_slow_death]

Well, you are a kind hearted individual who also happens to be honest. As such, being fake is a foriegn concept to you. Also, you probably just want help so you don't have to feel so overwhelmed anymore. Know the feeling all too well. On another note, the H definitely helps at first, but I will tell you from experience it only deepens the sadness and loneliness. Yeah, things are shit and the world is unfair, but, if you feel you need help seek it in a place where you get the help that is right for YOU. Not in a place where they tell you what is right for you.

 

[Erase.myself]

Update: I'm being transferred to psych unit in a couple of hours, and thankfully it's the nice hospital with good staff, you can keep your cell phone, good groups, etc. The more I think about the position I put myself in, the more agitated I become. I really appreciate all the wonderful supportive comments I have received on here. I still can't help but feel shitty towards myself. I had a doctor appointment to establish care on Monday that I now have to reschedule. I was going to try and get prescribed Meto from them so once I got my SN, I'd be set to go. This is just prolonging my suffering and prolonging my process of trying to ctb.